The Hogwarts Headliner, Issue #48 Special Joke Issue

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Leaf Me Alone
by The Whomping Willow

Let me begin by saying this clearly—I do not attack students. I respond. There’s a difference.

𝔉𝔬𝔯 𝔡𝔢𝔠𝔞𝔡𝔢𝔰, ℑ 𝔥𝔞𝔳𝔢 𝔰𝔱𝔬𝔬𝔡 𝔬𝔫 𝔱𝔥𝔢 𝔤𝔯𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔡𝔰 𝔬𝔣 𝔱𝔥𝔦𝔰 𝔢𝔰𝔱𝔢𝔢𝔪𝔢𝔡 𝔦𝔫𝔰𝔱𝔦𝔱𝔲𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫, 𝔪𝔦𝔫𝔡𝔦𝔫𝔤 𝔪𝔶 𝔬𝔴𝔫 𝔟𝔲𝔰𝔦𝔫𝔢𝔰𝔰 𝔴𝔥𝔢𝔫 𝔗ℌ𝔘𝔇—𝔞 𝔮𝔲𝔞𝔣𝔣𝔩𝔢, ℭℜ𝔄ℭ𝔎—𝔞 𝔯𝔬𝔤𝔲𝔢 𝔟𝔩𝔲𝔡𝔤𝔢𝔯, 𝔖𝔑𝔄𝔓—𝔞 𝔐𝔲𝔤𝔤𝔩𝔢 𝔢𝔫𝔠𝔥𝔞𝔫𝔱𝔢𝔡 𝔠𝔞𝔯.

Oh, it’s you—not me. I don’t roam the corridors striking first years. I don't fling acorns into the Great Hall. I don't whip my branches through the Library during exam seasons. No, I remain rooted in my assigned location, minding my business.	xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx	xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx	Yet, EVERY autumn I get, ‘I wonder what happens if I poke it,’ on your way to Hogsmeade. When the wind picks up in the Scottish Highlands I hear, ‘It’s kind of bald on that side. Do you think it’s dying?’ I’m not shedding during autumn, thank you; I’m entering a very dignified seasonal phase. Any branch whips that someone receives during October is merely correcting tone.	xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx	xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx	EVERY winter, there are snowballs. These snowballs are packed with ice. These snowballs are packed with ice and are aimed towards my knots. These snowballs are packed with ice and are aimed at my knots and, sometimes, are delivered with high-velocity magic. BE DONE.

xxxxxxxxxx	xxxxxxxxxx	EVERY spring, I’ve got Gryffindors and others alike attempting to test out their bravery for reasons that escape me. Maybe their mothers didn’t love them enough. Maybe they’re lame and weren’t able to make any solid friendships in which to spend their time with. ENOUGH.
xxxxxxxxxx	Every summer, before holiday departure, someone decides I would make an excellent backdrop for dramatic wizarding photographs. They decide I'm an iconic landmark of Hogwarts and therefore they must get a photograph for memory’s sake. I don’t want you near me. I don’t want your camera or your idea of a ‘cute pose’. I’m not your prop. I'm more than just my looks—I have branches, I have roots, and I WILL use them if you get too close. BACK OFF.	xxxxxxxxxx
I'm not here for your observations, I'm not here for your amusement, I'm not here for you to practice your spells and incantations, I'm here because this is where I was planted. LEAF ME ALONE.	xxxxxxxxxx	xxxxxxxxxx

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Some complain that I don’t give warnings. Oh, but I do! I creak, I rustle ominously, I adjust my branches with deliberate theatrical menace. What more would you like, a sign that reads, ‘𝔸𝕋𝕋𝔼ℕ𝕋𝕀𝕆ℕ: 𝕋ℝ𝔼𝔼 ℂ𝕌ℝℝ𝔼ℕ𝕋𝕃𝕐 𝔼𝕏ℙ𝔼ℝ𝕀𝔼ℕℂ𝕀ℕ𝔾 𝔸ℕℕ𝕆𝕐𝔸ℕℂ𝔼’? I would carve it myself but apparently when I carve things it’s considered ‘threatening’. I only did it seldom with a ‘𝐒𝐓𝐄𝐏 𝐂𝐋𝐎𝐒𝐄𝐑, 𝐈 𝐃𝐀𝐑𝐄 𝐘𝐎𝐔’, ‘T̳R̳Y̳ ̳I̳T̳’, ‘𝕀 𝕊𝔼𝔼 𝕐𝕆𝕌’, ‘INTERESTING DECISION’, ‘🅂🄷🄾🅄🄻🄳 🄷🄰🅅🄴 🄺🄴🄿🅃 🅆🄰🄻🄺🄸🄽🄶’, and ‘EVERY ACTION HAS A REACTION’. I’ve been instructed to no longer do this.

𝔚𝔥𝔢𝔫 ℑ 𝔢𝔵𝔱𝔢𝔫𝔡 𝔞 𝔟𝔯𝔞𝔫𝔠𝔥 40 𝔪𝔦𝔩𝔢𝔰 𝔭𝔢𝔯 𝔥𝔬𝔲𝔯, 𝔱𝔥𝔞𝔱 𝔦𝔰 𝔠𝔞𝔩𝔩𝔢𝔡 𝔞 𝔟𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔡𝔞𝔯𝔶 𝔰𝔢𝔱𝔱𝔦𝔫𝔤. 𝔜𝔬𝔲𝔯 𝔭𝔯𝔬𝔣𝔢𝔰𝔰𝔬𝔯𝔰 𝔢𝔫𝔣𝔬𝔯𝔠𝔢 𝔟𝔬𝔲𝔫𝔡𝔞𝔯𝔦𝔢𝔰 𝔴𝔦𝔱𝔥 𝔡𝔢𝔱𝔢𝔫𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫𝔰 𝔞𝔫𝔡 ℑ 𝔢𝔫𝔣𝔬𝔯𝔠𝔢 𝔪𝔦𝔫𝔢 𝔴𝔦𝔱𝔥 𝔯𝔬𝔱𝔞𝔱𝔦𝔬𝔫𝔞𝔩 𝔳𝔢𝔩𝔬𝔠𝔦𝔱𝔶. 𝔚𝔢 𝔞𝔩𝔩 𝔥𝔞𝔳𝔢 𝔬𝔲𝔯 𝔪𝔢𝔱𝔥𝔬𝔡𝔰.

Some students call me violent, unhinged, ‘the death tree’, or ‘the reason I need crutches’—but has anyone asked why I might be defensive? Perhaps being planted to guard a secret passage to the Shrieking Shack might make one a bit high-strung. I’ve endured decades of snow loads, owl collisions, tree climbers, experimental jinxes, and students ‘just seeing what happens’. This hardens one’s trunk.

Many students claim innocence and say they’ve only touched my bark once; they claim they barely grazed me. You grazed me. Would you like to be grazed by a stranger? No, you would not.

I'm not a monster. I'm not unstable. I'm a sentient guardian of the grounds of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry and would simply like one afternoon without someone attempting to poke me with a stick. Respect me and I shall respect your skeleton.

I'm not unreasonable either. I merely have standards and they can be met if students demonstrate initiative. Those seeking redemption can:

Respect the perimeter - stones, signs, or a painted marker would be greatly appreciated. A clear zone around my trunk saves lives—or at least limbs.

Cease the dares - ‘bet you won’t’ is the most provocative phrase in the English language. Do not use it. Ever.

Grant seasonal courtesies - in autumn, no making leaf piles from my fallen extremities; in winter, no snowball target practice, decorations, frozen insults of my nakedness; in spring, silently admire me from afar; and in summer, respect my shade.

Offer recognition - public acknowledgement of my decades-long, thankless service would go a long way. Students may submit parchment compliments or quietly bow in respect at a safe distance.

Follow these rules and I shall continue to perform my duties efficiently and without incident. Respect me and all involved parties may leave fully intact with your dignity preserved. Otherwise, the Hospital Wing is always accepting new visitors.

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HIEROGLYPHLINER P.30

HEADMASTERLINER P.05

HISTORYLINER P.04

HEADACHELINER P.08

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┏──────────────┓ The Hogwarts Hieroglyphliner ┗──────────────┛ by Livia Machavariani

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❄︎♒︎♓︎⬧︎ ✌︎◻︎❒︎♓︎●︎📪︎ ♓︎⧫︎ ♓︎⬧︎ ❑︎◆︎♓︎⧫︎♏︎ ♓︎❍︎◻︎□︎❒︎⧫︎♋︎■︎⧫︎ ⧫︎□︎ ◻︎♋︎⍓︎ ♋︎⧫︎⧫︎♏︎■︎⧫︎♓︎□︎■︎ ⧫︎□︎ □︎◆︎❒︎ ♑︎❒︎♏︎♋︎⧫︎ ♍︎♋︎⬧︎⧫︎●︎♏︎❼︎⬧︎ ❍︎♋︎■︎⍓︎ ◻︎♋︎⬧︎⬧︎♋︎♑︎♏︎⬥︎♋︎⍓︎⬧︎📬︎ 💧︎□︎❍︎♏︎ □︎♐︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎⬧︎♏︎📪︎ ⬧︎◆︎♍︎♒︎ ♋︎⬧︎ ♋︎ ❍︎♏︎♋︎■︎♎︎♏︎❒︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ❍︎♋︎⬧︎⬧︎ ♓︎■︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ♎︎◆︎■︎♑︎♏︎□︎■︎⬧︎📪︎ ♋︎❒︎♏︎ ⬥︎♏︎●︎●︎📫︎🙵■︎□︎⬥︎■︎📬︎ ⚐︎⧫︎♒︎♏︎❒︎⬧︎📪︎ ⧫︎♒︎□︎◆︎♑︎♒︎📪︎ ♋︎❒︎♏︎ ♋︎ ♌︎♓︎⧫︎ ❍︎□︎❒︎♏︎ ♎︎♓︎♐︎♐︎♓︎♍︎◆︎●︎⧫︎ ⧫︎□︎ ♎︎♓︎⬧︎♍︎♏︎❒︎■︎📬︎ ✋︎⧫︎ ⧫︎♋︎🙵♏︎⬧︎ ♋︎■︎ ♓︎■︎⧫︎♏︎●︎●︎♓︎♑︎♏︎■︎⧫︎ ⬧︎□︎◆︎●︎ ⧫︎□︎ ◆︎■︎♍︎□︎❖︎♏︎❒︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ●︎♓︎⧫︎⧫︎●︎♏︎ ⬧︎⍓︎❍︎♌︎□︎●︎⬧︎ ♋︎■︎♎︎ ♍︎□︎♎︎♏︎⬧︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎ ⬥︎□︎◆︎●︎♎︎ □︎⧫︎♒︎♏︎❒︎⬥︎♓︎⬧︎♏︎ ●︎♓︎■︎🙵 ♋︎■︎ ♓︎■︎♎︎♓︎❖︎♓︎♎︎◆︎♋︎●︎ ⧫︎□︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ⧫︎♒︎♓︎■︎♑︎⬧︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎ ⬧︎□︎❍︎♏︎⧫︎♓︎❍︎♏︎⬧︎ ♑︎□︎ ◆︎■︎■︎□︎⧫︎♓︎♍︎♏︎♎︎📬︎

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☹︎◆︎♍︎🙵♓︎●︎⍓︎ ♐︎□︎❒︎ ♋︎●︎●︎ □︎♐︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎📪︎ ✋︎ ♋︎❍︎ ⬧︎◆︎♍︎♒︎ ♋︎■︎ ♓︎■︎⧫︎♏︎●︎●︎♓︎♑︎♏︎■︎⧫︎ ⬧︎□︎◆︎●︎📬︎ ✡︎□︎◆︎ ♋︎❒︎♏︎ ❑︎◆︎♓︎⧫︎♏︎ ⬥︎♏︎●︎♍︎□︎❍︎♏︎📬︎

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❄︎♒︎♏︎ ♐︎♓︎❒︎⬧︎⧫︎ ◻︎♋︎⬧︎⬧︎♋︎♑︎♏︎ ✋︎ ⬧︎♒︎♋︎●︎●︎ ♏︎■︎◆︎❍︎♏︎❒︎♋︎⧫︎♏︎ ♓︎⬧︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ □︎■︎♏︎ ♌︎♏︎♒︎♓︎■︎♎︎ ♋︎ ◻︎□︎❒︎⧫︎❒︎♋︎♓︎⧫︎ ♓︎■︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ♌︎♋︎⬧︎♏︎❍︎♏︎■︎⧫︎⬧︎📬︎ ✋︎♐︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ 🙵■︎□︎⬥︎📪︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ 🙵■︎□︎⬥︎📬︎ ❄︎♒︎♏︎ □︎■︎♏︎ □︎♐︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ❒︎♋︎⧫︎♒︎♏︎❒︎ ◻︎□︎□︎❒︎●︎⍓︎ ♐︎♋︎⬧︎♒︎♓︎□︎■︎♏︎♎︎ □︎●︎♎︎ ❍︎♋︎■︎📬︎ ✋︎ ⬥︎□︎◆︎●︎♎︎ ♍︎♋︎●︎●︎ ♒︎♓︎❍︎ ♍︎♒︎◆︎❒︎●︎♓︎⬧︎♒︎ ♎︎◆︎♏︎ ⧫︎□︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ♑︎❒︎♋︎❖︎♓︎⧫︎⍓︎ □︎♐︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ♓︎■︎⬧︎◆︎●︎⧫︎⬧︎ ♒︎♏︎ ♒︎◆︎❒︎●︎⬧︎📬︎ ✋︎♐︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ♋︎❒︎♏︎ ♋︎ 💧︎●︎⍓︎⧫︎♒︎♏︎❒︎♓︎■︎ ♋︎■︎♎︎ ♒︎♋︎❖︎♏︎ ⬥︎♋︎●︎🙵♏︎♎︎ ♎︎♓︎❒︎♏︎♍︎⧫︎●︎⍓︎ ♐︎❒︎□︎❍︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ♍︎□︎❍︎❍︎□︎■︎ ❒︎□︎□︎❍︎ ⧫︎□︎ 🏱︎□︎⧫︎♓︎□︎■︎⬧︎ ♍︎●︎♋︎⬧︎⬧︎📪︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ⬥︎♓︎●︎●︎ ◆︎■︎♎︎♏︎❒︎⬧︎⧫︎♋︎■︎♎︎ ⬥︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎ ✋︎ ❍︎♏︎♋︎■︎📬︎ ✋︎♐︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ♓︎♑︎■︎□︎❒︎♏︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ♋︎■︎♍︎♓︎♏︎■︎⧫︎ ♌︎❒︎◆︎⧫︎♏︎❼︎⬧︎ ♓︎■︎⬧︎◆︎●︎⧫︎⬧︎ ♋︎■︎♎︎ ●︎♓︎♐︎⧫︎ ♒︎♓︎⬧︎ ◻︎□︎❒︎⧫︎❒︎♋︎♓︎⧫︎ ♋︎■︎⧫︎♓︎📫︎♍︎●︎□︎♍︎🙵⬥︎♓︎⬧︎♏︎📪︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ⬥︎♓︎●︎●︎ ♎︎♓︎⬧︎♍︎□︎❖︎♏︎❒︎ ♋︎ ⧫︎◆︎■︎■︎♏︎●︎📬︎ ❄︎♒︎♏︎❒︎♏︎ ♋︎❒︎♏︎ ⧫︎♒︎❒︎♏︎♏︎ ⬧︎♍︎❒︎♋︎⧫︎♍︎♒︎♏︎⬧︎ □︎■︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ⬥︎♋︎●︎●︎ ■︎♏︎⌧︎⧫︎ ⧫︎□︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ◻︎□︎❒︎⧫︎❒︎♋︎♓︎⧫︎🖴︎ ✋︎ ♒︎♋︎❖︎♏︎ ■︎□︎⧫︎ ♎︎♓︎⬧︎♍︎□︎❖︎♏︎❒︎♏︎♎︎ ⬥︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎ ⧫︎♒︎♓︎⬧︎ ❍︎♏︎♋︎■︎⬧︎📬︎ ❄︎♒︎♏︎ ⧫︎◆︎■︎■︎♏︎●︎ ♎︎□︎♏︎⬧︎ ■︎□︎⧫︎ ⧫︎♋︎🙵♏︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ♐︎♋︎❒︎📬︎ ✋︎⧫︎ ♎︎♏︎◻︎□︎⬧︎♓︎⧫︎⬧︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ □︎■︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ⬧︎♒︎□︎❒︎♏︎⬧︎ □︎♐︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ☝︎❒︎♏︎♋︎⧫︎ ☹︎♋︎🙵♏︎📪︎ ⬥︎♓︎⧫︎♒︎ ⬥︎♋︎⧫︎♏︎❒︎ ●︎♋︎◻︎◻︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ♋︎⧫︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎❒︎ ♐︎♏︎♏︎⧫︎📬︎ ❄︎♒︎♓︎⬧︎ ♎︎□︎♏︎⬧︎ ❍︎♋︎🙵♏︎ ❍︎♏︎ ⬥︎□︎■︎♎︎♏︎❒︎ ♓︎♐︎ ⧫︎♒︎♓︎⬧︎ ♓︎⬧︎ ♒︎□︎⬥︎ ♋︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎■︎♑︎ ❍︎♋︎■︎ ♋︎◻︎◻︎♋︎❒︎♏︎■︎⧫︎●︎⍓︎ ♌︎❒︎□︎🙵♏︎ 💧︎●︎⍓︎⧫︎♒︎♏︎❒︎♓︎■︎❼︎⬧︎ ⧫︎□︎♓︎●︎♏︎⧫︎⬧︎ ●︎♋︎⬧︎⧫︎ ⍓︎♏︎♋︎❒︎📬︎	x
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❄︎♒︎♏︎ ■︎♏︎⌧︎⧫︎ ♓︎⬧︎ ❍︎□︎❒︎♏︎ ♎︎♓︎♐︎♐︎♓︎♍︎◆︎●︎⧫︎ ⧫︎□︎ ♏︎■︎♍︎□︎◆︎■︎⧫︎♏︎❒︎📬︎ ✋︎⧫︎ ♋︎●︎⬧︎□︎ ❒︎♏︎❑︎◆︎♓︎❒︎♏︎⬧︎ ♍︎●︎♓︎❍︎♌︎♓︎■︎♑︎📪︎ ⬧︎□︎ ♎︎□︎ ♌︎♏︎♋︎❒︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎ ♓︎■︎ ❍︎♓︎■︎♎︎ ♓︎♐︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ⬥︎♓︎⬧︎♒︎ ⧫︎□︎ ⬧︎♏︎♋︎❒︎♍︎♒︎ ♐︎□︎❒︎ ♓︎⧫︎📬︎ 🕈︎♒︎♏︎■︎ ✋︎ ♐︎♓︎❒︎⬧︎⧫︎ ♌︎◆︎❍︎◻︎♏︎♎︎ ♓︎■︎⧫︎□︎ ♓︎⧫︎ 🕿︎❑︎◆︎♓︎⧫︎♏︎ ●︎♓︎⧫︎♏︎❒︎♋︎●︎●︎⍓︎📪︎ ✋︎ ❍︎◆︎⬧︎⧫︎ ♋︎♎︎♎︎✆︎📪︎ ✋︎ ⬥︎□︎❒︎♏︎ ♋︎ ♎︎❒︎♏︎⬧︎⬧︎📬︎ ✋︎ ♒︎♋︎♎︎ ⧫︎□︎ ♍︎♒︎♋︎■︎♑︎♏︎ ♍︎●︎□︎⧫︎♒︎♏︎⬧︎ ♋︎■︎♎︎ ❒︎♏︎⧫︎❒︎♋︎♍︎♏︎ ❍︎⍓︎ ⬧︎⧫︎♏︎◻︎⬧︎ ●︎♋︎⧫︎♏︎❒︎🖴︎ □︎⧫︎♒︎♏︎❒︎⬥︎♓︎⬧︎♏︎📪︎ ✋︎ ⬥︎□︎◆︎●︎♎︎ ♒︎♋︎❖︎♏︎ ❒︎♓︎⬧︎🙵♏︎♎︎ ♌︎♏︎♒︎♋︎❖︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ♓︎■︎ ♋︎ ⬥︎♋︎⍓︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎ ♎︎♓︎♎︎ ■︎□︎⧫︎ ♌︎♏︎♐︎♓︎⧫︎ ♋︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎■︎♑︎ ●︎♋︎♎︎⍓︎ □︎♐︎ ❍︎⍓︎ ⬧︎⧫︎♋︎⧫︎◆︎⬧︎📬︎	x	✋︎⧫︎ ♓︎⬧︎ ⬧︎♓︎⧫︎◆︎♋︎⧫︎♏︎♎︎ ♒︎♓︎♑︎♒︎ □︎■︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ⬧︎⧫︎♋︎♓︎❒︎⬧︎ ■︎♏︎♋︎❒︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ♐︎♓︎♐︎⧫︎♒︎ ♐︎●︎□︎□︎❒︎📪︎ ♋︎■︎♎︎ ✋︎ ♒︎♋︎❖︎♏︎ □︎■︎●︎⍓︎ ❍︎♋︎■︎♋︎♑︎♏︎♎︎ ⧫︎□︎ ♐︎♓︎■︎♎︎ ♓︎⧫︎ ⬥︎♒︎♏︎■︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ⬧︎⧫︎♋︎♓︎❒︎⬧︎ ❍︎□︎❖︎♏︎📬︎ ✋︎ ♎︎□︎ ■︎□︎⧫︎ ⍓︎♏︎⧫︎ 🙵■︎□︎⬥︎ ⬥︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎ ⧫︎♒︎♓︎⬧︎ ❍︎♏︎♋︎■︎⬧︎📬︎ 👌︎◆︎⧫︎📪︎ ♎︎♓︎⬧︎□︎❒︎♓︎♏︎■︎⧫︎♏︎♎︎ ♋︎⬧︎ ✋︎ ⬥︎♋︎⬧︎📪︎ ✋︎ ♐︎□︎◆︎■︎♎︎ ❍︎⍓︎⬧︎♏︎●︎♐︎ ♐︎♋︎♍︎♏︎📫︎⧫︎□︎📫︎♐︎♋︎♍︎♏︎ ⬥︎♓︎⧫︎♒︎ ♋︎ ⬧︎◆︎♓︎⧫︎ □︎♐︎ ♋︎❒︎❍︎□︎◆︎❒︎📬︎ 🕈︎♏︎●︎●︎📪︎ ❍︎□︎❒︎♏︎ ●︎♓︎🙵♏︎ ♐︎♋︎♍︎♏︎📫︎⧫︎□︎📫︎♍︎♒︎♏︎⬧︎⧫︎◻︎●︎♋︎⧫︎♏︎📪︎ ♋︎⬧︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎⬧︎♏︎ ⬧︎◆︎♓︎⧫︎⬧︎ □︎♐︎ ♋︎❒︎❍︎□︎◆︎❒︎ ♋︎❒︎♏︎ ❍︎♋︎♎︎♏︎ ♐︎□︎❒︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ❍︎□︎⬧︎⧫︎ ♌︎♏︎♒︎♏︎❍︎□︎⧫︎♒︎ □︎♐︎ ❍︎♏︎■︎📬︎ 💧︎♒︎□︎◆︎●︎♎︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ■︎□︎⧫︎ 🙵■︎□︎⬥︎ ⬥︎♒︎□︎ ✋︎ ♋︎❍︎📪︎ ✋︎ ❍︎◆︎⬧︎⧫︎ ♓︎■︎♐︎□︎❒︎❍︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎ ✋︎ ♋︎❍︎ ■︎♏︎♓︎⧫︎♒︎♏︎❒︎ ♌︎◆︎❒︎●︎⍓︎ ■︎□︎❒︎ ♋︎ ❍︎♋︎■︎📬︎ ☟︎□︎⬥︎♏︎❖︎♏︎❒︎📪︎ ⧫︎♒︎♓︎⬧︎ ⬧︎⧫︎❒︎□︎■︎♑︎ ♑︎◆︎♋︎❒︎♎︎❼︎⬧︎ ♍︎♒︎♏︎⬧︎⧫︎◻︎●︎♋︎⧫︎♏︎📪︎ ◆︎◻︎□︎■︎ ❍︎♋︎🙵♓︎■︎♑︎ ♍︎□︎■︎⧫︎♋︎♍︎⧫︎ ⬥︎♓︎⧫︎♒︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ♎︎♏︎●︎♓︎♍︎♋︎⧫︎♏︎ ♌︎□︎■︎♏︎⬧︎ □︎♐︎ ❍︎⍓︎ ♐︎♋︎♍︎♏︎📪︎ ♐︎●︎♏︎⬥︎ ♌︎♋︎♍︎🙵⬥︎♋︎❒︎♎︎⬧︎✏︎ ❄︎♒︎♓︎⬧︎ ⬥︎♋︎⬧︎ ◆︎■︎♏︎⌧︎◻︎♏︎♍︎⧫︎♏︎♎︎📬︎ ✋︎■︎⧫︎❒︎♓︎♑︎◆︎♏︎♎︎📪︎ ✋︎ ◻︎♏︎♏︎❒︎♏︎♎︎ ♐︎◆︎❒︎⧫︎♒︎♏︎❒︎📪︎ ♋︎●︎●︎ ⬥︎♒︎♓︎●︎♏︎ ■︎◆︎❒︎⬧︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ❍︎⍓︎ ♋︎♍︎♒︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ❖︎♓︎⬧︎♋︎♑︎♏︎📬︎ 🕈︎♒︎⍓︎ ⍓︎♏︎⬧︎📪︎ ♒︎♏︎❒︎♏︎ ♓︎⧫︎ ⬥︎♋︎⬧︎🖳︎ ⬧︎⧫︎❒︎♋︎■︎♑︎♏︎ ⬧︎⍓︎❍︎♌︎□︎●︎⬧︎ ⬥︎♏︎❒︎♏︎ ♍︎♋︎❒︎❖︎♏︎♎︎ ◻︎ □︎❒︎📪︎ ❒︎♋︎⧫︎♒︎♏︎❒︎📪︎ ⬧︎♍︎❒︎♋︎⧫︎♍︎♒︎♏︎♎︎ ◻︎ ♓︎■︎⧫︎□︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ❍︎♏︎⧫︎♋︎●︎📬︎ 🕈︎♒︎⍓︎ □︎■︎♏︎ ⬥︎□︎◆︎●︎♎︎ ♎︎♏︎♐︎♋︎♍︎♏︎ ⬧︎◆︎♍︎♒︎ ♋︎ ◻︎❒︎♓︎❍︎♏︎ ⬧︎◻︎♏︎♍︎♓︎❍︎♏︎■︎ □︎♐︎ ♍︎♒︎♓︎❖︎♋︎●︎❒︎⍓︎ ⬥︎♋︎⬧︎ ♌︎♏︎⍓︎□︎■︎♎︎ ❍︎♏︎📪︎ ♌︎◆︎⧫︎ □︎■︎♏︎ □︎♐︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ⬧︎⍓︎❍︎♌︎□︎●︎⬧︎ ⬥︎♋︎⬧︎ ♋︎■︎ ♋︎❒︎❒︎□︎⬥︎📬︎ ✋︎⧫︎ ◻︎□︎♓︎■︎⧫︎♏︎♎︎ ⬧︎□︎❍︎♏︎⬥︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎ ⬧︎□︎◆︎⧫︎♒︎♏︎♋︎⬧︎⧫︎📪︎ ⬧︎□︎ ✋︎ ♐︎□︎●︎●︎□︎⬥︎♏︎♎︎ ♓︎⧫︎📬︎ ⚐︎■︎♏︎ ♓︎■︎♎︎♓︎❖︎♓︎♎︎◆︎♋︎●︎ ⬧︎⧫︎◆︎❍︎♌︎●︎♏︎♎︎ ♓︎■︎⧫︎□︎ ❍︎♏︎📪︎ ♋︎■︎♎︎ ✋︎ ❒︎♋︎❍︎❍︎♏︎♎︎ ❍︎⍓︎ ⬧︎♒︎□︎◆︎●︎♎︎♏︎❒︎ ♓︎■︎⧫︎□︎ ♋︎ ⬥︎♋︎●︎●︎📬︎ ☟︎□︎⬥︎♏︎❖︎♏︎❒︎📪︎ ♓︎■︎ ♎︎□︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎📪︎ ❍︎⍓︎ ⬧︎♒︎□︎◆︎●︎♎︎♏︎❒︎ ♌︎□︎■︎♏︎⬧︎ ♒︎♓︎⧫︎ ♋︎ ⬧︎⧫︎□︎■︎♏︎📪︎ ♋︎■︎♎︎📪︎ ⧫︎□︎ ❍︎⍓︎ ⬧︎◆︎❒︎◻︎❒︎♓︎⬧︎♏︎📪︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ⬧︎⧫︎□︎■︎♏︎ ◻︎❒︎♏︎⬧︎⬧︎♏︎♎︎ ♓︎■︎⬥︎♋︎❒︎♎︎⬧︎📬︎
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☟︎◆︎⌘︎⌘︎♋︎♒︎✏︎ 💧︎♓︎❍︎♓︎●︎♋︎❒︎ ⧫︎□︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ♌︎❒︎♓︎♍︎🙵⬧︎ ♋︎⧫︎ 👎︎♓︎♋︎♑︎□︎■︎ ✌︎●︎●︎♏︎⍓︎📪︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ⬥︎♋︎●︎●︎ ♌︎♏︎♑︎♋︎■︎ ⧫︎□︎ ⬧︎♒︎♓︎♐︎⧫︎📬︎ ❄︎♒︎♏︎ ⬧︎⧫︎□︎■︎♏︎⬧︎ ♌︎♏︎♑︎♋︎■︎ ⧫︎□︎ ❍︎□︎❖︎♏︎📬︎ ✌︎ ⧫︎◆︎■︎■︎♏︎●︎📪︎ ⬥︎♓︎⧫︎♒︎ ♋︎ ♐︎●︎□︎□︎❒︎ □︎♐︎ ⬥︎□︎□︎♎︎ ♋︎■︎♎︎ ♋︎■︎ ♋︎❒︎♍︎♒︎♏︎♎︎ ♍︎♏︎♓︎●︎♓︎■︎♑︎📪︎ ❒︎♏︎❖︎♏︎♋︎●︎♏︎♎︎ ♓︎⧫︎⬧︎♏︎●︎♐︎📬︎ 💧︎♍︎□︎■︎♍︎♏︎⬧︎ ◻︎❒︎□︎❖︎♓︎♎︎♏︎♎︎ ♓︎⧫︎ ⬥︎♓︎⧫︎♒︎ ♋︎ ⬥︎♋︎❒︎❍︎ ♑︎●︎□︎⬥︎📬︎ 👌︎♏︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ♓︎■︎♍︎❒︎♏︎♎︎♓︎♌︎●︎⍓︎ ♓︎■︎❑︎◆︎♓︎⬧︎♓︎⧫︎♓︎❖︎♏︎ ♓︎■︎♎︎♓︎❖︎♓︎♎︎◆︎♋︎●︎ ✋︎ ♋︎❍︎📪︎ ✋︎ ❍︎♋︎♎︎♏︎ ⧫︎□︎ ♏︎⌧︎◻︎●︎□︎❒︎♏︎ ♓︎⧫︎📬︎

✋︎♐︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ♓︎■︎⧫︎♏︎■︎♎︎ ⧫︎□︎ ♐︎♓︎■︎♎︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎❒︎ ⬥︎♋︎⍓︎ ⧫︎♒︎❒︎□︎◆︎♑︎♒︎ ⧫︎♒︎♓︎⬧︎ ⧫︎◆︎■︎■︎♏︎●︎📪︎ ✋︎ ⬥︎□︎◆︎●︎♎︎ ❒︎♏︎♍︎□︎❍︎❍︎♏︎■︎♎︎ ●︎♏︎♋︎❒︎■︎♓︎■︎♑︎ □︎■︎♏︎ □︎♐︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ❍︎♋︎■︎⍓︎ ♎︎□︎□︎❒︎📫︎□︎◻︎♏︎■︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ⬧︎◻︎♏︎●︎●︎⬧︎📬︎ ✋︎ ♒︎♏︎♋︎❒︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎ ♋︎■︎ ⚐︎◻︎♏︎■︎ 💧︎♏︎⬧︎♋︎❍︎♏︎ ⬥︎□︎❒︎🙵⬧︎ ♓︎■︎ ♋︎ ◻︎♓︎■︎♍︎♒︎📬︎ ✋︎ ⬥︎♋︎⬧︎ ■︎□︎⧫︎ ♑︎❒︎♋︎■︎⧫︎♏︎♎︎ ⧫︎♒︎♓︎⬧︎ ♐︎□︎❒︎♏︎⬧︎♓︎♑︎♒︎⧫︎📪︎ ♋︎■︎♎︎ ✋︎ ❒︎♏︎❍︎♋︎♓︎■︎♏︎♎︎ ⬧︎⧫︎◆︎♍︎🙵 ♓︎■︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ⧫︎◆︎■︎■︎♏︎●︎ ♐︎□︎❒︎ ⧫︎⬥︎□︎ ♒︎□︎◆︎❒︎⬧︎ 🕿︎✋︎ ♍︎□︎◆︎■︎⧫︎♏︎♎︎✆︎ ◆︎■︎⧫︎♓︎●︎ ♋︎ 🙵♓︎■︎♎︎ ◆︎◻︎◻︎♏︎❒︎♍︎●︎♋︎⬧︎⬧︎❍︎♋︎■︎ □︎◻︎♏︎■︎♏︎♎︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ♎︎□︎□︎❒︎⑤︎ ♓︎■︎⧫︎□︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ♌︎♋︎●︎●︎❒︎□︎□︎❍︎📬︎ ❄︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎ ♍︎♏︎❒︎⧫︎♋︎♓︎■︎●︎⍓︎ ♏︎⌧︎◻︎●︎♋︎♓︎■︎♏︎♎︎ ⬥︎♒︎⍓︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ◻︎♋︎⧫︎♒︎ ♒︎♋︎♎︎ ⬧︎●︎□︎◻︎♏︎♎︎ ♎︎□︎⬥︎■︎⬥︎♋︎❒︎♎︎⬧︎✏︎ ✋︎ ❒︎♏︎♑︎❒︎♏︎⧫︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎ ✋︎ ♒︎♋︎♎︎ ■︎□︎⧫︎ ♍︎♋︎❒︎❒︎♓︎♏︎♎︎ ❍︎⍓︎ ♎︎♋︎■︎♍︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ⬧︎♒︎□︎♏︎⬧︎ ⬥︎♓︎⧫︎♒︎ ❍︎♏︎📪︎ ♋︎●︎⧫︎♒︎□︎◆︎♑︎♒︎ ♋︎♐︎⧫︎♏︎❒︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎ ♏︎⬧︎♍︎♋︎◻︎♋︎♎︎♏︎📪︎ ✋︎ ⬥︎♋︎⬧︎ ■︎□︎⧫︎ ♏︎⌧︎♋︎♍︎⧫︎●︎⍓︎ ♓︎■︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ❍︎□︎□︎♎︎ ⧫︎□︎ ♎︎♋︎■︎♍︎♏︎📬︎	x	☞︎□︎❒︎ ⧫︎♒︎□︎⬧︎♏︎ ❒︎♏︎❑︎◆︎♓︎❒︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ❍︎□︎❒︎♏︎ ♏︎⌧︎⧫︎♏︎❒︎■︎♋︎●︎ ♏︎⌧︎♍︎♓︎⧫︎♏︎❍︎♏︎■︎⧫︎📪︎ ✋︎ ❒︎♏︎♍︎□︎❍︎❍︎♏︎■︎♎︎ ⬧︎🙵◆︎●︎🙵♓︎■︎♑︎ ♋︎♌︎□︎◆︎⧫︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ 🙵♓︎⧫︎♍︎♒︎♏︎■︎⬧︎📬︎ 👎︎□︎ ❒︎♏︎❍︎♋︎♓︎■︎ ◆︎■︎♒︎♓︎♎︎♎︎♏︎■︎📪︎ ♋︎⬧︎ ◻︎❒︎♏︎♐︎♏︎♍︎⧫︎⬧︎ ◻︎♋︎⧫︎❒︎□︎●︎📪︎ ♋︎■︎♎︎ ⬧︎□︎❍︎♏︎ ♋︎❒︎♏︎ ●︎♏︎⬧︎⬧︎ 🙵♓︎■︎♎︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎■︎ □︎⧫︎♒︎♏︎❒︎⬧︎📬︎ ☟︎□︎⬥︎♏︎❖︎♏︎❒︎📪︎ ♓︎♐︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ♋︎❒︎♏︎ ♍︎♋︎◆︎♑︎♒︎⧫︎📪︎ ✡︎□︎◆︎ ♍︎♋︎■︎ ⬧︎♓︎❍︎◻︎●︎⍓︎ ⬧︎♋︎⍓︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ❒︎♏︎❑︎◆︎♓︎❒︎♏︎♎︎ ♋︎ ⬧︎■︎♋︎♍︎🙵 ♋︎■︎♎︎ ♎︎♓︎♎︎ ■︎□︎⧫︎ ⬥︎♋︎■︎⧫︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ □︎♐︎♐︎♏︎❒︎♓︎■︎♑︎⬧︎ ♓︎■︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ☝︎❒︎♏︎♋︎⧫︎ ☟︎♋︎●︎●︎📬︎ 🏱︎♏︎❒︎♒︎♋︎◻︎⬧︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ♒︎♋︎❖︎♏︎ ⬧︎◻︎♏︎♍︎♓︎♐︎♓︎♍︎ ♎︎♓︎♏︎⧫︎♋︎❒︎⍓︎ ❒︎♏︎❑︎◆︎♓︎❒︎♏︎❍︎♏︎■︎⧫︎⬧︎📬︎ 🕈︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎♏︎❖︎♏︎❒︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ♋︎♌︎⬧︎□︎●︎◆︎⧫︎♏︎●︎⍓︎ ❖︎♏︎❒︎♋︎♍︎♓︎□︎◆︎⬧︎ ♋︎●︎♓︎♌︎♓︎📪︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ⬧︎♓︎❍︎◻︎●︎⍓︎ ❍︎◆︎⬧︎⧫︎ □︎♌︎⬧︎♏︎❒︎❖︎♏︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎ ⬥︎♓︎⧫︎♒︎♓︎■︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ 🙵♓︎⧫︎♍︎♒︎♏︎■︎⬧︎📪︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎❒︎♏︎ ♓︎⬧︎ ♋︎ ⬧︎❍︎♋︎●︎●︎ ⧫︎❒︎♋︎◻︎ ♎︎□︎□︎❒︎📬︎ ✋︎ ⬥︎♓︎●︎●︎ ■︎□︎⧫︎ ⧫︎♏︎●︎●︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ⬥︎♒︎♏︎❒︎♏︎ ♓︎⧫︎ ♓︎⬧︎📪︎ ♋︎⬧︎ ⧫︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎ ❒︎◆︎♓︎■︎⬧︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ❍︎⍓︎⬧︎⧫︎♏︎❒︎⍓︎📬︎
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💧︎♒︎□︎◆︎●︎♎︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ♏︎■︎⧫︎♏︎❒︎ ♓︎⧫︎📪︎ ⬥︎♏︎♋︎❒︎ ⬥︎♏︎●︎●︎📫︎♐︎♓︎⧫︎⧫︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ⧫︎❒︎□︎◆︎⬧︎♏︎❒︎⬧︎ ♋︎■︎♎︎ ♍︎●︎□︎⬧︎♏︎♎︎📫︎⧫︎□︎♏︎ ⬧︎♒︎□︎♏︎⬧︎📬︎ ✡︎□︎◆︎ ⬥︎♓︎●︎●︎ ♍︎●︎♓︎❍︎♌︎ ♎︎□︎⬥︎■︎ ♋︎ ●︎♋︎♎︎♎︎♏︎❒︎ ♋︎■︎♎︎ ⧫︎❒︎♏︎🙵 ⧫︎♒︎❒︎□︎◆︎♑︎♒︎ ♋︎ ●︎□︎■︎♑︎ ◻︎♋︎⬧︎⬧︎♋︎♑︎♏︎📬︎ ✋︎♐︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ♋︎❒︎♏︎ ⧫︎♋︎●︎●︎📪︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ⬥︎♓︎●︎●︎ ■︎♏︎♏︎♎︎ ⧫︎□︎ ♎︎◆︎♍︎🙵📬︎ ✌︎♐︎⧫︎♏︎❒︎ ♋︎ ❒︎♋︎⧫︎♒︎♏︎❒︎ ♎︎♓︎❒︎⧫︎⍓︎ ⧫︎❒︎♏︎🙵 🕿︎⬧︎♒︎□︎⬥︎♏︎❒︎ ♋︎♐︎⧫︎♏︎❒︎⬥︎♋︎❒︎♎︎⬧︎✏︎✆︎📪︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎ ⬥︎♓︎●︎●︎ ♐︎♓︎■︎♎︎ ⍓︎□︎◆︎❒︎⬧︎♏︎●︎♐︎ ♏︎■︎⧫︎♏︎❒︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ♋︎ ♍︎●︎♏︎♋︎❒︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ⬧︎◆︎❒︎❒︎□︎◆︎■︎♎︎♏︎♎︎ ♌︎⍓︎ ⧫︎❒︎♏︎♏︎⬧︎📬︎ ✋︎⧫︎ ♓︎⬧︎ ❒︎♋︎⧫︎♒︎♏︎❒︎ ♌︎♏︎♋︎◆︎⧫︎♓︎♐︎◆︎●︎ ⬥︎♒︎♏︎■︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ⬧︎◆︎■︎ ♍︎□︎♋︎⧫︎⬧︎ ⧫︎♒︎♏︎ ♒︎□︎❒︎♓︎⌘︎□︎■︎ ♓︎■︎ ♑︎□︎●︎♎︎📬︎

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✋︎ ♒︎□︎◻︎♏︎ ⧫︎♒︎♓︎⬧︎ ♋︎❒︎⧫︎♓︎♍︎●︎♏︎ ♒︎♋︎⬧︎ ◻︎❒︎□︎❖︎♏︎♎︎ ♏︎■︎●︎♓︎♑︎♒︎⧫︎♏︎■︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ⧫︎□︎ ♋︎■︎⍓︎□︎■︎♏︎ ⬥︎♓︎⬧︎♒︎♓︎■︎♑︎ ♐︎□︎❒︎ ♋︎ ⧫︎♋︎⬧︎⧫︎♏︎ □︎♐︎ ♋︎♎︎❖︎♏︎■︎⧫︎◆︎❒︎♏︎✏︎

Reducio

This April, it is quite important to pay attention to our great castle’s many passageways. Some of these, such as a meandering mass in the dungeons, are well-known. Others, though, are a bit more difficult to discern. It takes an intelligent soul to uncover the little symbols and codes that would otherwise link an individual to the things that sometimes go unnoticed.

Luckily for all of you, I am such an intelligent soul. You are quite welcome.

The first passage I shall enumerate is the one behind a portrait in the basements. If you know, you know. The one of the rather poorly fashioned old man. I would call him churlish due to the gravity of the insults he hurls. If you are a Slytherin and have walked directly from the common room to Potions class, you will understand what I mean. If you ignore the ancient brute’s insults and lift his portrait anti-clockwise, you will discover a tunnel. There are three scratches on the wall next to the portrait; I have not discovered what this means. The tunnel does not take you far. It deposits you on the shores of the Great Lake, with water lapping at your feet. This does make me wonder if this is how a young man apparently broke Slytherin’s toilets last year.

The next is more difficult to encounter. It also requires climbing, so do bear that in mind if you wish to search for it. When I first bumped into it (quite literally, I must add), I wore a dress. I had to change clothes and retrace my steps later; otherwise, I would have risked behaving in a way that did not befit a young lady of my status.

It is situated high on the stairs near the fifth floor, and I have only managed to find it when the stairs move. I do not yet know what this means. But, disoriented as I was, I found myself face-to-face with a suit of armour. Well, more like face-to-chestplate, as these suits of armour are made for the most behemoth of men. Should you not know who I am, I must inform you that I am neither burly nor a man. However, this strong guard’s chestplate, upon making contact with the delicate bones of my face, flew backwards! This was unexpected. Intrigued, I peered further, all while nursing my aching visage. Why yes, here it was: strange symbols were carved – or, rather, scratched – into the metal. Why one would deface such a prime specimen of chivalry was beyond me, but one of the symbols was an arrow. It pointed somewhat southeast, so I followed it. One individual stumbled into me, and I rammed my shoulder into a wall. However, in doing that, my shoulder bones hit a stone, and, to my surprise, the stone pressed inwards.

Huzzah! Similar to the bricks at Diagon Alley, the wall began to shift. The stones began to move. A tunnel, with a floor of wood and an arched ceiling, revealed itself. Sconces provided it with a warm glow. Being the incredibly inquisitive individual I am, I made to explore it.

If you intend to find your way through this tunnel, I would recommend learning one of the many door-opening spells. I hear that an Open Sesame works in a pinch. I was not granted this foresight, and I remained stuck in the tunnel for two hours (I counted) until a kind upperclassman opened the door… into the ballroom. That certainly explained why the path had sloped downwards! I regret that I had not carried my dancing shoes with me, although after that escapade, I was not exactly in the mood to dance.

For those requiring more external excitement, I recommend skulking about the kitchens. Do remain unhidden, as prefects patrol, and some are less kind than others. However, if you are caught, You can simply say you required a snack and did not want the offerings in the Great Hall. Perhaps you have specific dietary requirements. Whatever the absolutely veracious alibi, you simply must observe that within the kitchens, there is a small trap door. I will not tell you where it is, as that ruins the mystery.

Should you enter it, wear well-fitting trousers and closed-toe shoes. You will climb down a ladder and trek through a long passage. If you are tall, you will need to duck. After a rather dirty trek (shower afterwards!), you will find yourself entering a clearing surrounded by trees. It is rather beautiful when the sun coats the horizon in gold.

I hope this article has proved enlightening to anyone wishing for a taste of adventure!

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☟︎♋︎♒︎♋︎ ✋︎

♍︎♋︎■︎ ⬧︎♋︎⍓︎

⬥︎♒︎♋︎⧫︎♏︎❖︎♏︎❒︎

✋︎ ⬥︎♋︎■︎⧫︎ ♒︎♏︎❒︎♏︎

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The Hogwarts Headmasterliner
by Aly Salinger

Interjections and exclamations are a monstrous part of everyday language, both for Muggles and wizardkind. While our non-magical counterparts boast options for surprise, excitement, and fear such as “Oh my God!”, “Bloody hell!”, or “Crikey!”, the magical variants tend to mention historical figures in wix history. Most of the popular ones that you might hear around the hallowed halls of Hogwarts have to do with our famous alumni, the powerful Slytherin wizard known as Merlin. Whether we’re exclaiming something about his beard, pants, baggy Y-fronts, or perhaps less family-friendly variants, it’s certainly common to utilise these expressions to show when we magical folk are having a strong emotion of some sort. The Merlin phrases are overused, tired, and positively boring. This April, why not spice up your vernacular with some fun, modern phrases centred around one of the more current famous wizards of our time — Hogwarts’ own Solomon Lear?

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“But Aly, I don’t know how to make up my own wizarding expression!” No worries, dear reader! Allow me to teach you a few of my hard-thought techniques used in my daily life for exclamation creation!

1. Rhyme time! Have you ever noticed how many words rhyme with “Lear”? Peer, ear, sneer, sphere, tear, year — and, of course, the ever-pleasant “rear”. Even “beard” rhymes, if you want to keep the Merlin theme! There’s nothing better than a good bit of poetry in an emotional situation, so don’t be afraid to break out any word that rhymes with “Lear” and watch your friends’ eyes grow wide at your creativity. 2. Add adjectives! “Merlin’s Y-fronts!” Boo. Boring. Uncreative. “Merlin’s baggy Y-fronts!”, on the other hand, gives description and imagery. It paints a picture, and suddenly you can’t help but imagine one of the most powerful wizards ever trying to keep his Y-fronts from falling off his bum. You can do the same to Lear! “Lear’s nightie!” is fun and all, but “Lear’s fuzzy nightie!” evokes our Headmaster with a lovely furry sleeping cap and dust bunnies on his shoulders. “Lear’s nose hairs!” is gross, but “Lear’s gnarliest nose hairs!” is grosser!

x

3. Alliteration station! Speaking of adjectives, make them start with the same letter as your noun to pack an even funnier punch! “Lear’s dungarees!” is humorous, but “Lear’s dirtiest dungarees!” is hilarious. “Lear’s toes!” is chuckle-worthy, but “Lear’s twinkliest toes!” gives a whole different cackle-inducing image. And if you want to go the Merlin-esque route, you can always alliterate there, too: “Lear’s baggy bloomers!” 4. Relevancy is key! You can of course use any Lear-ism, as I’ve coined them, in any situation. However, make your exclamation hit even harder by connecting it to context! If you’re shocked at what you’ve just heard, say “Lear’s ears!” If you’re struggling to decide what to do after Hogwarts, “Lear’s career!” is sure to please.

Still not sure how to make your own Lear-ism? Follow the steps below to create your own unique expression:

Lear's +	Your birth month January: discombobulated February: raggediest March: mightiest April: boorish May: leggiest June: zippiest July: bumfuzzling August: loosey-goosey September: sassiest October: piffling November: blabbiest December: blithering	+	First letter of your name A: backscratchers B: contact lens C: misunderstandings D: syzygy E: ear hairs F: raccoons G: lasers H: zenith I: bibliography J: dingbats K: scrolls L: leakage	M: grandmother N: bafflegab O: wisdom teeth P: papayas Q: enemy skulls R: razzmatazz S: ducklings T: baby blanket U: diseases V: sobriquet W: toe socks X: innermost thoughts Y: magomancy Z: Nifflers

Finally, it should go without saying, but NEVER say these in front of Headmaster Lear if you don’t want to risk expulsion! Happy Lear-ing!

WHO MESSED WITH THE PRINTER!!! LEAR'S LOOSEY-GOOSEY RAZZMATAZZ

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	xx	The Hogwarts Historyliner by Archer Duncan	xx

History has woven and turned itself through fascinating courses these past centuries, whether through choices made by humanity or fates' hand that led to a final decision. Often historians have asked the forever question of “what if?”	x	We humans are a curious race—we love to speculate. So, in this issue, in light of April Fools' Day, let us bring some of our wildest guesses to paper, and consider them in all seriousness. ─────────────────────────
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Today, we examine the following question: What if the Roman Empire never fell?

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The divergence point of Rome’s hypothetical survival would have been the Crisis of the Third Century, when decisive resolutions and reforms by great emperors would have stabilised the empire, ensuring that the fall of the Western Roman Empire never occurred. Instead of fragmentation, Rome would have survived. Without collapse, the following traits would define the Roman	x	Empire as well-developed. Roads and aqueducts would stay maintained, literacy would remain widespread in Latin and Ancient Greek, and land would stay centralised under law without feudalism. Roman-Islamic rivalries may occur, but Rome, being more unified, would likely win any skirmishes.	x	Through 1000-1500 AD, early industrialisation would likely have begun. Since trade networks never collapsed, banking develops earlier, mechanical innovation scales faster, printing appears earlier, and gunpowder weapons could be standardised quicker. Instead of separate kingdoms like England and France developing their own system amidst conflicts, under the unified Rome, speed and efficiency would have been observed.
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Roman global expansion would have been happening around 1500-1800 AD, fleets spreading across the Atlantic, where the Americas would become Roman provinces. Due to Rome’s stability, trade would likely have been maintained with the East through extensions and bettered versions of the Silk Road, keeping a healthy economic situation of imports and exports. With the Mediterranean as the world’s core and a unified Europe, the world wars that hindered development would likely never have occurred due to lower geopolitical tensions. However, although unlikely, civil wars could have broken out, as well as rivalries with powers like China, India, and possibly the remnants of Persia.	x	If the Roman Empire continued today, the capital of the world might be in Constantinople, with Latin as the global diplomatic language, rather than English. Now that centuries have passed, language would have also developed differently from our modern-day languages, but still follow similar trends. Like the development of English, noun cases could have become simplified, while word order could have become more fixed. Simplification would likely have happened, as well as influences from cultures traded with, securing it as the lingua franca of this modern, parallel world. The Senate would still exist, with governors elected by provinces. Technology levels would possibly be further ahead due to the Dark Ages never happening. ─────────────────────────
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	x	Unfortunately, we would never know what would have really happened if the mighty Roman Empire survived, but there is always value in thinking outside of the box. This encourages analysis of the real Roman Empire, and forces us to rethink our own modern world. History may already be written in	x	stone, but it can still be a subject full of possibilities, giving space for analysis. We use what we imagine could have happened to fuel the realities of what truly did happen, and that skill is essential to any historian. Remember not to spread misinformation, have fun imagining the different outcomes possible, and happy April Fools' Day.
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The Hogwarts Headacheliner ─────────by Archer Duncan “April Fools’ edition”, they said. Fools—now that’s exactly what I will talk about. I have a lot of things to say, and I am finally using my voice here for important matters.

x

x─────────────────────────x	x	x─────────────────────────x
	x	My first complaint goes out to a special Mister Silas Norwood. And worry not, he’s not literate enough to read things off his own printing press. No, dear readers, I merely jest. Silas is endearing in his own manner. The first day I met him, we played a charming little game of volleyball, and that’s not to mention his creative insults and clever quips. His sense of fashion is also impeccable; just look at those glittering chains.

.

I think for all the hate we give Mister Norwood, he truly deserves some inkling of love. Despite his flaws, of which he, like all humans, has many, he is quite fun company, and for that, I forgive him for all his flaws. Perhaps if one truly gets to know him, one would find him to be enjoyable, if not slightly adorable.

x─────────────────────────x	x	x─────────────────────────x
My second complaint is for my most favourite dorm mate, Prat Raphael Pass. Prat has proven himself to be a most annoying living companion, mostly for his habits regarding sleep. I have been known to be a late sleeper to my friends, but recently, I have become more inspired by caring for my wellbeing, and I have attempted to retire before midnight. But no, it has been made impossible for whatever grand adventure my roommate has decided to embark on, so motivated is he at nighttime.	x

.

It is almost ironically funny, the way I have grown to be the one griping about another sleeping late. Merlin knows what he’s working on, but I will forever support his endeavours.

x─────────────────────────x	x	x─────────────────────────x
	x	My final complaint features the feline of my nightmares, His Royal Highness Zeno. Most know him as my most beloved friend, yet we are all hiding secrets behind closed doors. True, he can be cute and lovable, and you will most certainly have the desire to give him some treats. It might be April Fools’, but do not be fooled, dear reader! He has tricks up his sleeve.

.

Ungrateful creature as he is, whenever I show him love, he does not come up to me for cuddles and kisses, but prances away, hisses, gives me a few dirty looks, and then, an hour later, comes back to beg for more treats. I am sick and tired of this behaviour. But no, I merely kid, I do not put up with him, I love him and all his defensive instincts, and especially the rare times when his heart melts and he falls into my arms.

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───── ─────

x

Complaints, complaints, complaints—I have plenty of those to give out. But this April Fools’ I urge you to give love under these supposed annoyances, and cherish the people around you. Have fun through pranks, enjoy yourselves with jokes, but make sure that you maintain the values of fellowship and friendship. What? I am certain I am a prime example of such chivalry.

x

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┏──────────────┓ How to Avoid the Maleficent Peeves ┗──────────────┛ by Ruth Fairchild

When one hears the word ‘Peeves’ within the halls of Hogwarts, it’s almost apparent that the image of Hogwarts’ infamous poltergeist would form in the mind. You could probably go about your day, completely content, until even the slightest mention of him sends that smile slipping off your face. The countless attempts to prevent his gleeful attacks (positive on his end only, I’m afraid) have failed, leaving students wondering about what it takes to concoct a foolproof plan that would keep them safe for the next seven or so years. Fret not, dear readers, for I, Ruth Fairchild, shall present to you ways to live a Peeves-free life.

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Peeves, if you have not yet heard of him (to which I am much awed about, really), is a poltergeist, meaning ‘an indestructible spirit of chaos’. Unlike ghosts, he seems to have a physical form that resembles a short jester. Complementary to his clown-like attire is his chaotic personality, taunting rhymes, and high-pitched voice. As an amortal, he may be one of the oldest inhabitants within Hogwarts, having been roaming the halls since c.993, when the school was founded. In a nutshell, he essentially came with the building, and as a result, will probably never be eradicated from the site. This is a totally useful guide on how to bypass his attempts to make your life miserable.

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❝ ─ ───────────┓ x ─. Indestructible spirit of chaos ── x┗─────────── x❞

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❝ ─ ───────────┓ x ─. This would be an incredibly useless thing to do. ── x┗─────────── x❞

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One of the ways to avoid Peeves wouldn’t be to stick by prefects or staff at all. This would be an incredibly useless thing to do. It may be partly because of those oversized fool’s caps that he dons, or his refusal to heed authority, but commands made towards Peeves from our dearest Hogwarts prefects or professors would be like air in the wind: fruitless. It is unfortunate, but cowering behind even the strictest professor you may know would not stop Peeves from lobbing stale bread at your head. Of course, the list isn’t inclusive of our Headmaster Solomon Lear, whose authority and power alone would have anyone halting in their tracks. This includes you, of course, since you wouldn’t want to bother such a busy man by badgering him about Peeves, would you? You might lean towards asking the Bloody Baron, though I wouldn’t try unless you were a Slytherin brimming with House Pride.

xxxxx

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Another way to avoid Peeves would be to exist in a location that he visits infrequently. This may be a lot to ask. Mayhem of distraction has no boundaries, after all. But have you ever not wondered why you have never once encountered the poltergeist floating through classrooms during lessons? Just a thought to consider. Sure, some classes might be (not saying they are) able to put one to sleep, but anything that allows even a second’s worth of time away from Peeves’ would be fantastic, wouldn’t it? Adding to this would be the advantage of learning spells that could one day rid the eponymous nuisance. I’ve heard that the Langlock spell is useful for shutting him up, but unless you’re a sixth year, I’m afraid you’ll have to use other means to do so.

xxxxx

xxxxx

Last but not least, wreak havoc! This is definitely a 100% foolproof plan. Consider this logic–if there were an increase in pranksters, Peeves wouldn’t have to cause so much chaos on his own, which would undeniably decrease the rate of his attacks. After all, teamwork makes the dreamwork! Perhaps you could even find a way to gain mutual respect with one another. If there is no way of avoiding a problem, learn to embrace it, I guess.

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Clowns and Their Horror by Tristan Theramin

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❝ ─ ───────────┓ x ─. Bwa ha ha! There’s a clown after you. Bwa ha ha! Red nose, creepy eyes, ready to kill you. ── x┗─────────── x❞

I hear a whisper saying these words as I make my way up from the Slytherin dungeons. I look around to see its source. It’s a clown. There’s a club in its hands and it follows me down the halls of the dormitories, and down to the Great Hall. There is no one else around. Who do I see under the makeup? No one. It looks crazed or perhaps it’s lost its mind. Who is this person raiding the hallways of the school? I know I must investigate it the moment I can stop it in its tracks. I jump in front of it and in a strange turn of events, the clown asks me “Will you interview me?” The following is a direct transcript.

Who are you? “I am ʎʇᴉʇuƎ ǝɥ┴. You will never know my real name.” Why are you here? “I have chosen you. You will be my representative. You will be my ʇuɐʌɹǝs.” Why me? “You do not exactly care for morality. Only empathy in its purest form, till it becomes toxic. It is a sɹǝʍod ʎɯ ɹoɟ lǝssǝʌ ʇɔǝɟɹǝd.”

x

What do you want me to do? “Nothing. Nothing when someone dies in front of you. Nothing when someone is called a mudblood. Nothing when your best friend is attacked. ˙ƃuᴉɥʇoN ˙ƃuᴉɥʇoN ˙ƃuᴉɥʇoN ˙ƃuᴉɥʇoN ˙ƃuᴉɥʇoN ˙ƃuᴉɥʇoN ˙ƃuᴉɥʇoN ˙ƃuᴉɥʇoN ˙ƃuᴉɥʇoN ˙ƃuᴉɥʇoN ˙ƃuᴉɥʇoN ˙ƃuᴉɥʇoN ˙ƃuᴉɥʇoN ˙ƃuᴉɥʇoN”

x

What does that accomplish for you? “Every time someone does not do something they feel they must do, I gain control over their future, little by little, until they lose the ability to do what they believe is right forever.” Am I your first victim? “You are your first victim. Tristan Ender Victoria Theramin, there is nothing you wish more than to take over this world and make it nicer to the outcasts, the Muggles, the world outside of your own. You would just create your own outcasts and your own sǝᴉɔuǝʇsᴉsuoɔuᴉ.”

I suddenly woke up from the dream, and I lay there shivering, my own insecurities overwhelming me. It must have been a subconscious fear taking over my dreams. I went back to sleep. I went to Potions and Defense Against the Dark Arts, went to lunch and dinner. Everything was normal to the point that I almost forgot about the dream entirely. The next day I entered the printing press room, and laying there was this paper, with the exact transcript written above. My breath stopped and I desperately looked around to see if this was someone pulling a prank, but no one was there.

x

On the back of the paper with the transcript, in dark red ink, were the words, “Goodbye Mr. Theramin”.

The next day, I had the same dream and found the same paper, but with a different message on the back. There was nothing but dread within my very bones. I could not help but believe this entity was real, that it was haunting me. I went to broom racing practice, and there it was again in the corner of my eye. I went to my dormitory lavatory, and there it was in the corner of the mirror. It has not disappeared from my view and now I do not know what it wants from me. If anyone knows, owl me, or else I fear I have lost my mind.

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▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ BETWEEN THE LINES: Insert Title Here by Ruth Fairchild ▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬▬ x Poetry is a form of art that can be used to describe an infinite number of topics and themes, offering a way to convey even the most ridiculous, out-of-this-world scenes, such as this. To ┏ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ┓ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ An antagonistic, atomistic acrostic ====Knocks the locks on the knick-knacks in its Vest, checking the verge of vestige of the ====Erumpent’s eroding, explosive Anatomically huge hippopotamus horn; ====Dead – Demonstrably – the safari denizen. Deprecatingly degrading the detrimental diamond in its vest, the ====Antagonistic, atomistic acrostic Accidentally hits the ====Very volatile horn ====And explodes. The end. │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ │ ┗ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ─ ┛	x	personify an ‘acrostic’...who would have thought? ‘Atomistic’? What could that possibly mean? Without spoiling too much of the poem—as it is up to you, the reader, to figure it out—this recent poetry issue is meant to mean everything yet nothing at all. Attempt to crack the mindless code and be in to win several chocolate frogs, risking your brainpower and common sense all the same, or perhaps muse at the tongue-twister-like alliteration techniques spewing across the work. It is written in a manner that is meant to make sense most unusually, and the fun is through reading it aloud.
========================================		===============

As a special edition issue for April Fools’ Day, I have set up this linguistic puzzle to challenge our dear readers to try to interpret the poem in their own manner and find out the code hidden within. If you believe you have found the answer, send the poet in charge (Ruth Fairchild) an owl, or even drop by the Headliner office to receive the prize immediately. Trust me, it shouldn’t take very long—the format of the poem has been revealed since the very beginning. The rest fill the space as a distraction, which is what April feels like sometimes: a middle point, a distracting presence that hinders us from observing the past and predicting the future.	x	Such a mischievous, whimsical and slightly absurdist tone would certainly throw you off, would it not? The use of such over-the-top imagery is surreal—as surreal as the code which might make you blink twice. Another hint to take note of. I can only hope the joke lands with the right audience. There’s a slight obsession with classification; the denseness of the alliteration, repetition, and precise vocabulary seems to suggest some form of desire to define and measure, but the conclusion ends up being explosive and uncontrollable. Why is that?
x─────────────────────────x	x	x─────────────────────────x

	x	To make it easier to understand the plot within the poem, albeit useless, Erumpents are creatures that resemble rhinos with explosive horns. Upon impact, it quite frankly explodes, which is what happens to the acrostic as it is unable to handle the horn with	x	care. While the context provides little help in solving the poem, its violent ending should somewhat hint at the code involved. Have fun! Until next time, Ruth.
x────────────────x	x	x────────────────x	x	x────────────────x

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TOPIC PG. 00

TOPIC PG. 00

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Magical & Muggle Meals: Best Prank Foods
by Aly Salinger

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Looking for a last-minute April Fool’s Day prank before suppertime comes around? Well, look no further — and quick, head down to the kitchens to create your very own edible prank!

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“Mayonnaise”
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Serves: 4
Time: 20 minutes

Ingredients: 3 tablespoons cornstarch ½ cup sugar from a Sugar Shrub (*granulated sugar) 3 cups dragon milk (*cow milk) 3 occamy egg yolks (*chicken egg yolks) 1 ½ teaspoons vanilla extract** 3 tablespoons dragon butter (*cow butter) *Muggle alternative **Reminder NOT to use vanilla Bertie Bott's Every Flavour Beans, lest you risk an exploding pudding! Unless you want to make this prank double-layered...

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| Directions |

1. Mix cornstarch and sugar in a cauldron (*pot) over medium heat. Add milk and stir repeatedly until the mixture boils, then stir for one minute longer or until slightly thickened. Remove mixture from heat. 2. Beat yolks together, then slowly whisk 1 tablespoon hot milk mixture to yolks. Continue to slowly add milk mixture to yolks, tablespoon by tablespoon, until yolk mixture is very warm (but not cooked yet!) — then add entire yolk/egg mixture back into pot with remainder of milk mixture.	x	3. Add pot back to heat and bring to a boil, continuing to stir. Stir for one minute after boiling, then remove pot from heat again. 4. Add butter and vanilla, stirring until butter is melted and mixture is mostly smooth. 5. Strain mixture through a strainer, then allow to cool. 6. Store in an empty (and well-washed) mayonnaise jar, then present to your mates when they ask for mayonnaise. Laugh maniacally when they add it to a sandwich!
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“Egg-in-the-Basket”
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Serves: 2
Time: 5 minutes

Ingredients: 1 container plain Greek yogurt 1 can peaches 1 loaf pound cake 1 tbsp dragon butter (*cow butter) *Muggle alternative

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| Directions |

1. Slice pound cake into bread-sized slices. 2. Heat butter over medium heat in a flat-bottomed cauldron (*sauté pan) until melted, then place 1-2 pound cake slices in melted butter. Allow to caramelize on one side (2-3 minutes), then flip and repeat until both sides are golden brown and slightly crispy, resembling toasted bread. 3. Remove slices from cauldron and slice circular hole out of the centre of each, then plate.	x	4. Spoon yogurt into central holes and smooth with back of spoon until it resembles egg whites. 5. Add ½ canned peach to the top of the yogurt to resemble an egg yolk. (You may have to cut down the peach to a smaller size for realism.) 6. Serve and enjoy the looks on your victim’s faces when they realise it’s a sweet version of Egg-in-the-Basket!
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“Caramel Apples”
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Serves: 6
Time: 15 minutes

Ingredients: 1 container pre-made thick caramel sauce*** 3 mid-size onions 3 mid-size apples Toppings of choice (nuts, chocolate, etc.) ***Preferably one that can harden/is specifically made for making caramel apples.

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| Directions |

1. Peel onions and cut off the hard ends, trimming until they are roughly apple-shaped. 2. Stick wooden sticks down through the tops of the apples and onions until they are about halfway down the fruits’ centres. 3. Prepare a dipping station, consisting of bowls of caramel and toppings of your choice nearby, as well as a tray for cooling.	x	4. Coat apples and onions in caramel first, ensuring that they are completely coated with none of the inside showing through; then dip in toppings of choice. We recommend sticking to one topping exclusively for the onions and another exclusively for the apples, so you can tell them apart later! 5. Allow caramel to cool and harden, then serve. Make sure you remember which one is an apple so you can eat one first and show your friends there’s nothing to be afraid of!
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THE ONION

THE RUTABAGA

─

THE PARSNIP

THE DIRIGIBLE PLUM