4 Apr 2020, 09:02
Soaked Secrets
@Jack Burnett
Ruka was shivering lightly as he made his way across the Grounds, through the Courtyard and inside the Castle with Jack by his side.
The two boys had been walking in silence from the Pool Party, with Jack still dressed in only his swimming trunks, carrying his robes with him, and Ruka fully clothed and drenched from shoulder to heel. While he wasn't completely sure what was going through Jack's head, Ruka's mind was reeling. He didn't even know where he was supposed to start trying to formulate coherent thoughts that were suitable to actually say out loud.
This really wasn't how he had thought he was going to be spending his day when he first got up.
Jack's words from before and the way he had curled up on the ground, laughing and crying at the same time and pulling his own hair like he thought that could possibly make it stop, were all still freshly burning in Ruka's mind as he walked the other boy down a corridor with no specific destination in mind. He just wanted to find a place for them to talk, somewhere away from people where Ruka could maybe, possibly be able to get his voice back and think of appropriate words to blurt out that weren't necessarily "You stupid idiot".
However, as they walked down the corridor, he realised more and more how clammy the wet fabric against his skin was, how cold the air felt against his skin due to his soaked clothing. He was going to have to change out of these wet things, and soon, if he didn't want to find himself with a major cold in the near future.
Going to the Common Room wasn't an option since Jack wouldn't be able to follow, and Ruka wasn't sure the Slytherin would actually stick around without the Gryffindor being there to keep an eye on him. Aside from that, he really wasn't willing to leave Jack alone, not after that whole scenario by the pool, no matter how much the other boy had tried to pass it off as nothing but a joke.
No, Ruka would just need some place where he could get out of his wet clothes and maybe at least dry off his skin a bit while they were talking so he didn't have to freeze during what was probably already going to be quite a draining conversation in the first place.
Concentrating for a second, Ruka's eyes finally landed on what he deemed to be a good enough location, at least for now, and he silently pushed open the door to the boys' bathroom, taking Jack's wrist in his hand to lead him inside before closing the door behind them again once he'd checked that there was nobody else around.
Silently, Ruka took off his cloak, draping it over one of the sinks to his right, raw bottom lip caught between his teeth again as he leaned against the wall, green eyes finding Jack's face with a concerned glint.
"What was all that about?" he asked firmly, fumbling with the wet sleeves of his T-Shirt. For a moment he contemplated leaving his clothes on after all, but considering the fact that Jack clearly wasn't thinking much about showing his own litter of scars, Ruka felt like he didn't have any right to be ashamed of his own measly collection. With a little sigh he pulled the wet T Shirt over his head and put it with the cloak, pale scarred skin immediately showing signs of goosebumps as the cool air hit it directly.
Wrapping his arms around his own chest, Ruka scanned the room for something he could use to dry himself up, but his eyes came back to fall onto the towel Jack had with him as the only solution. "Can I borrow that?" he asked calmly, reaching one hand out for the towel, hopeful that the other boy wouldn't mind.
With the task of getting himself a little warmer on his hands, Ruka's mind was free, if only for a moment, to trail back to what had happened by the pool, his eyes clouding with concern for the other boy. He wasn't sure what to make of it all yet, hadn't been able to connect enough pieces to really see the big picture, and he needed Jack to talk to him, even if it was just to spew more nonsense about how he wasn't what Ruka needed in his life.
At least, if he was talking, it gave Ruka the chance to observe and listen and hopefully work things out.
At least, if he was talking, he wasn't running away, and that was all Ruka could really ask for at this point.
Last edited by Ruka Burnett-Tân on 9 Apr 2020, 05:29, edited 1 time in total.
~Hell is other people~ - Jean Paul Sartre
Stamina: 7 ~ Evasion: 10 ~ Strength: 4 ~ Wisdom: 14 ~ Arcane Power: 6 ~ Accuracy: 9
5 Apr 2020, 02:44
Soaked Secrets
@Ruka Tân
Upon being told by the older student to come with him away from people, Jack hesitated, but then allowed himself to be steered away. He had nowhere else to be, anyway. And it wasn't really like he had the energy or will to break off from the second-year.
Curiosity was also admittedly a factor as he entered the courtyard and then the castle with Ruka, Jack remaining silent and inscrutible. When they entered the lavatory, the Slytherin stared distantly off into space, glancing over only when Ruka spoke up to ask him a question.
"You don't know what April Fools' is about?" he asked, perhaps intending to be funny, but it was hard to say while he lacked a smile or any other feature expressing humor.
Upon being asked about his towel, Jack stepped forward to hand it over before exchanging the Gryffindor's wet robe with his own dry one. The wet one he draped over his shoulder with the intention of returning it later. It had been his fault Ruka's clothes had gotten throughly soaked in the first place, after all.
The hazel-eyed boy found no other reason to speak more than the few words he'd said, however. When he opened his mouth again, it was to suppress a small yawn.
Upon being told by the older student to come with him away from people, Jack hesitated, but then allowed himself to be steered away. He had nowhere else to be, anyway. And it wasn't really like he had the energy or will to break off from the second-year.
Curiosity was also admittedly a factor as he entered the courtyard and then the castle with Ruka, Jack remaining silent and inscrutible. When they entered the lavatory, the Slytherin stared distantly off into space, glancing over only when Ruka spoke up to ask him a question.
"You don't know what April Fools' is about?" he asked, perhaps intending to be funny, but it was hard to say while he lacked a smile or any other feature expressing humor.
Upon being asked about his towel, Jack stepped forward to hand it over before exchanging the Gryffindor's wet robe with his own dry one. The wet one he draped over his shoulder with the intention of returning it later. It had been his fault Ruka's clothes had gotten throughly soaked in the first place, after all.
The hazel-eyed boy found no other reason to speak more than the few words he'd said, however. When he opened his mouth again, it was to suppress a small yawn.
PC: Jack Burnett | iNPC: Ginyami Midorimori
5 Apr 2020, 03:26
Soaked Secrets
@Jack Burnett
Ruka found himself feeling strangely empty as he took Jack's dry robes to change into them. They were too big on him, but at least they were dry and the Gryffindor would have been grateful had it not been for the other boy's rather emotionless words.
There was no smirk on Jack's lips, no mirth in his eyes, nothing that resembled the boy Ruka thought he knew so well, and it threw him for a loop. Was this yet another one of his walls? Another way to shut himself off from the world to avoid feeling like they shut him out first?
Ruka couldn't tell and it terrified him.
"Don't bullshit me," he said, rolling his eyes lightly. "Bullshit them for all I care, but not me." He shook his head and lifted a hand to rub over his face in a tired gesture. A small flicker of anger crossed his features as Jack suppressed a yawn as if he was tired and bored of being here at all. It may have only been a sign of exhaustion after the intense breakdown he had just suffered through, but to Ruka it just meant that he didn't really want to be there.
Just like he had feared at the pool party; That Jack was accommodating him rather than actually wanting to be around. A strange behaviour for someone who claimed to be as selfish as the Slytherin did. Maybe that should have been another red flag raised.
"That was no joke." He pointed his finger to the side as if to indicate the Grounds, or the pool, or the specific scene of Jack's breakdown. "The only joke here is that you actually think I'd be dumb enough to believe that." Pulling his bottom lip between his teeth, Ruka turned around for a moment to steady both his hands against the wall, forehead resting against the cool tiles as he tried to just think for a moment.
"Jack," he said, voice small, timid, as he turned back to face the Slytherin again, a curious spark in his green eyes. "What you said to me out there, that was no April Fool's prank." He could still see Jack's expressionless, tear stained face as he had talked, could hear the words echoing in his head over and over again.
I'm not what you need.
The more he thought about it, the more he felt inclined to call it a joke but not quite in the way Jack was making it out to be. What a joke that the other boy would even think such a thing, much less say it out loud, like he was trying to do Ruka a favour by freeing him off his ties to Jack and allowing him to move on to better friends instead.
What a joke, indeed.
"Don't treat me like a fool. Not even today." His lips twitched into a small smile as he said it as if trying to lighten the mood somehow, but he doubted his efforts would make any difference. Jack's face was about as expressionless as Selim's had been that day, and it was the first time Ruka felt anything but comforted by the other boy's presence.
Between trying to get someone to like you and getting them to hate you, the latter’s a lot easier.
Jack's voice shot through him like an arrow aiming straight for his lungs, making him feel like he was barely even able to breathe as he looked at the Slytherin. Maybe that's what this emotionless facade was about? Yet another attempt at making himself the villain of the situation?
Ruka tilted his head to the side in curiosity, fingers tapping the wall behind him.
One, two, three
One way or another he would have to get Jack to talk.
Just talk.
That was all he wanted, no matter how much the Slytherin was going to fight him on it.
~Hell is other people~ - Jean Paul Sartre
Stamina: 7 ~ Evasion: 10 ~ Strength: 4 ~ Wisdom: 14 ~ Arcane Power: 6 ~ Accuracy: 9
5 Apr 2020, 07:27
Soaked Secrets
@Ruka Tân
Jack's gaze went from the fingers that tapped the wall nearby to their owner, regarding him for several long minutes. After a while, he chose to speak once more.
"You were the one who bullshit me first," he answered calmly. "You pretended that nothing was wrong when you were obviously hiding something. I thought we were comfortable enough not to hide things from each other. So what was that?"
He slowly shook his head in disappointment. "I even told you about these scars. And okay, I can get maybe being embarrassed and not wanting to blurt out something like that in front of everybody. But you could have just as easily pulled me aside to tell me in private. Instead, you decided you preferred to go."
Walking up to one of the sinks, he splashed water in his own face to remove all traces of his previous tears and to refresh himself. "I don't believe you," he said at last, staring into the sink as he suspended himself by propping each arm against either of its sides.
With the way he gripped them, it was as if he feared getting sucked down the drain. "When you said that I've never filled you with dread or fear while I was around - I don't believe you."
Jack's gaze went from the fingers that tapped the wall nearby to their owner, regarding him for several long minutes. After a while, he chose to speak once more.
"You were the one who bullshit me first," he answered calmly. "You pretended that nothing was wrong when you were obviously hiding something. I thought we were comfortable enough not to hide things from each other. So what was that?"
He slowly shook his head in disappointment. "I even told you about these scars. And okay, I can get maybe being embarrassed and not wanting to blurt out something like that in front of everybody. But you could have just as easily pulled me aside to tell me in private. Instead, you decided you preferred to go."
Walking up to one of the sinks, he splashed water in his own face to remove all traces of his previous tears and to refresh himself. "I don't believe you," he said at last, staring into the sink as he suspended himself by propping each arm against either of its sides.
With the way he gripped them, it was as if he feared getting sucked down the drain. "When you said that I've never filled you with dread or fear while I was around - I don't believe you."
PC: Jack Burnett | iNPC: Ginyami Midorimori
5 Apr 2020, 08:07
Soaked Secrets
@Jack Burnett
Ruka didn’t take his eyes off Jack, didn’t dare to, like there was a chance of him vanishing somehow if unsupervised for too long.
He tensed slightly at the suggestion that Ruka was the one who hadn’t been honest first, teeth still gnawing on his by now lightly bleeding bottom lip, the metallic taste on his tongue only making him feel more on edge.
Jack was right of course, there had been more than one thing Ruka hadn't told him about down by the pool, and the disappointment dripping from the other boy made the Gryffindor shiver ins shame.
However, from the words the Slytherin was saying, it sounded like he thought the reason for Ruka wanting to leave had been the simple, albeit embarrassing fact that he didn't know how to swim, which almost made him want to let out a light laugh. Instead he shook his head in quiet disbelief. "That's not..." He started but stopped himself as he thought about exactly what he wanted to say.
Sighing, he tilted his head back against the wall for a moment before pushing himself away from it to walk a little closer to the other boy. "I wasn't embarrassed to blurt it out in front of everybody," he said, feeling his cheeks flush lightly. He lifted a hand and sheepishly rubbed the back of his neck.
"Remember when I told you I don't care what people think of me?" It felt like a lifetime ago, back in the Rehearsal Room, where they both had just been looking for some comfort in isolation. "Well, I care what you think of me." He let out a bitter little laugh as if angry at himself for even admitting it. "And not knowing how to swim? It just felt... embarrassing. I should have told you, I just didn't... I didn't know how to without sounding ridiculous." He shook his head again, moving his hand from the back of his neck to run through his hair.
"But that's not why I wanted to leave," he added quickly. "I just don't... I don't belong in groups." It was something he had been aware of in a while, something that had been weighing on him since getting to Hogwarts; The place where you could feel lonely despite never being alone. "And you seemed like you were having a good time, I just didn't want to keep you from that." He shrugged his shoulders lightly, eyes still fixed on Jack's, an apologetic expression crossing his face.
He watched as the Slytherin went to wash his face before steadying himself on the sink with a vice grip. His words seemed to come out of nowhere, and Ruka was about to ask him exactly what it was he didn't believe, when he elaborated.
Ruka felt a stinging pain shooting through his chest, something like failure curling around his gut. Had he done something, anything at all to make Jack think he'd ever made him feel scared in any way? Or was this just the other boy's own fear of connecting to someone trying to project onto Ruka?
"Never," he said firmly, taking another step closer to lift a hand and place it on Jack's shoulder with a small squeeze. "Not even once. How is that possibly so hard to believe?"
~Hell is other people~ - Jean Paul Sartre
Stamina: 7 ~ Evasion: 10 ~ Strength: 4 ~ Wisdom: 14 ~ Arcane Power: 6 ~ Accuracy: 9
5 Apr 2020, 08:46
Soaked Secrets
@Ruka Tân
Standing his ground as Ruka approached him and began to explain, Jack's expression remained blank; his mouth a thin, straight line. He listened and contemplated, turning some thoughts over and over in his mind. It wasn't until the shorter boy was completely finished speaking that he finally attempted to answer.
"You know better than to trust only what you percieve on the surface," he told Ruka, referring to when the fire-dancer had said he'd seemed like he was having a good time. "At least, I thought you did. But either I was mistaken or you're just using that as an excuse to explain why you were trying to distance yourself from me before I could have a chance to distance myself from you. Again."
Thick brows narrowed as Jack turned away from the hand on his shoulder and headed toward a stall, going to seat himself on a toilet out of sight. However, he couldn't be bothered to close the stall door. Instead, he put his head in his hands.
"It's hard to believe because unless you take it for granted, it's while you have something that you're constantly in fear of losing it. Or am I wrong?" He raised his head slightly, as if to better hear Ruka's response. "Tell me I'm wrong if that's so. Tell me truthfully that you were never fearful I would stop hanging around you during the time I actually spent with you."
Standing his ground as Ruka approached him and began to explain, Jack's expression remained blank; his mouth a thin, straight line. He listened and contemplated, turning some thoughts over and over in his mind. It wasn't until the shorter boy was completely finished speaking that he finally attempted to answer.
"You know better than to trust only what you percieve on the surface," he told Ruka, referring to when the fire-dancer had said he'd seemed like he was having a good time. "At least, I thought you did. But either I was mistaken or you're just using that as an excuse to explain why you were trying to distance yourself from me before I could have a chance to distance myself from you. Again."
Thick brows narrowed as Jack turned away from the hand on his shoulder and headed toward a stall, going to seat himself on a toilet out of sight. However, he couldn't be bothered to close the stall door. Instead, he put his head in his hands.
"It's hard to believe because unless you take it for granted, it's while you have something that you're constantly in fear of losing it. Or am I wrong?" He raised his head slightly, as if to better hear Ruka's response. "Tell me I'm wrong if that's so. Tell me truthfully that you were never fearful I would stop hanging around you during the time I actually spent with you."
PC: Jack Burnett | iNPC: Ginyami Midorimori
5 Apr 2020, 09:14
Soaked Secrets
@Jack Burnett
Ruka frowned a little at the suggestion that maybe Jack wasn't having as much of a good time as the Gryffindor had thought he did. Was that right?
He remembered the way Jack had admitted to not having expected that many people, but he'd also appeared like he was having a good day all in all, which, in hind sight Ruka was only just now realising all the red flags he'd missed. "Maybe I wasn't paying as much attention as I should have," he admitted, tilting his head to the side thoughtfully. "Maybe I was too caught up in what I thought what was best for you to try and dig beneath the surface." With a little shrug he rolled his eyes lightly before looking down at his soaked shoes. "You might know a thing or two about what that's like."
Chuckling bitterly, Ruka shook his head at himself, left arm coming up to rub across his stinging eyes. "Is that what you think I was trying to do, then? Distance myself from you?" He let out a dry laugh as he massaged his temples lightly.
As he watched Jack moving away from his hand to instead move to a stall, Ruka finally allowed himself to let a couple of tears escape his eyes, feeling them drop down his cheeks with burning heat.
Well, if Jack felt more comfortable talking without having to look at him, so be it. Ruka wasn't going to force him into anything.
"Where is this even coming from?" he asked as he steadied himself on the sink now just like Jack had just moments before. He didn't answer his question; not yet at least. "Were you planning on stopping to hang out with me?" A graceless snort escaped him as he thought about that possibility. All those people who had told him not to get close to Jack, not to start caring about him because he was only going to leave him alone and hurt... Were the about to come and laugh in his face now when the Slytherin would finally tell him now that he was done associating himself with Ruka?
A flame of determination burst through him as he thought back on what Jack had said just moments before, about how he had thought they were close enough not to be hiding things from each other. No, they were bonded tighter than for this conversation to be the downfall of their relationship.
"That's not a fear that you've inflicted on me," he said without even trying to deny that the thought had crossed his mind more often than he would have liked to think about. Of course he had feared that Jack would just start avoiding him again, of course he dreaded the day that the Slytherin would grow tired of Ruka, but it was only when Jack was around that those worries were eased from Ruka's mind. "My dad used to say that if you don't worry about losing something, maybe it's not worth having it in the first place." He swallowed heavily as he pushed himself away from the sink just to aimlessly stand in the middle of the bathroom, staring at the open door of the stall Jack had taken refugee in. "That, if you're not worried about losing something you become careless with it."
~Hell is other people~ - Jean Paul Sartre
Stamina: 7 ~ Evasion: 10 ~ Strength: 4 ~ Wisdom: 14 ~ Arcane Power: 6 ~ Accuracy: 9
5 Apr 2020, 09:32
Soaked Secrets
@Ruka Tân
"Ha! Since when did you ever think you knew what was best for me better than I did?" Jack asked, some scorn seeping into his tone. He may have not been looking at Ruka anymore, but he didn't like what he could hear in the other's voice. The emotion was infectious.
"I already did," the Slytherin confessed when Ruka asked if he had planned to stop hanging out with him. "And look how well that turned out! You stopped eating, sleeping, and taking care of yourself. You even seemed to stop trying to make friends. You say you don't belong in groups, but you're the only one who gets to decide that!" His words caught in his throat, then, cracking slightly as some part of what he was saying ricocheted back at him like an echo off the bathroom wall. When he found his voice again, it was much smaller and meeker, but still broken. "I don't...want to be the reason...you can't make friends, Ruka."
He was silent again for a while as he tried to recompose himself, listening to the second-year's retort. Then, almost before Ruka had finished his last sentence, Jack seemed to lose patience.
"Who inflicted it, then?!" he demanded. "You know what I think is not worth having? A fear of losing anything! Nothing is worth the constant fear of having to deal that depth of pain! Why do you think I keep saying it's better not to have anything at all? Not to have anyone?!"
There was a minute or so of deep breaths before he added in a low murmur, "You can't be careless with something nor worry about losing it if you don't have it to begin with."
"Ha! Since when did you ever think you knew what was best for me better than I did?" Jack asked, some scorn seeping into his tone. He may have not been looking at Ruka anymore, but he didn't like what he could hear in the other's voice. The emotion was infectious.
"I already did," the Slytherin confessed when Ruka asked if he had planned to stop hanging out with him. "And look how well that turned out! You stopped eating, sleeping, and taking care of yourself. You even seemed to stop trying to make friends. You say you don't belong in groups, but you're the only one who gets to decide that!" His words caught in his throat, then, cracking slightly as some part of what he was saying ricocheted back at him like an echo off the bathroom wall. When he found his voice again, it was much smaller and meeker, but still broken. "I don't...want to be the reason...you can't make friends, Ruka."
He was silent again for a while as he tried to recompose himself, listening to the second-year's retort. Then, almost before Ruka had finished his last sentence, Jack seemed to lose patience.
"Who inflicted it, then?!" he demanded. "You know what I think is not worth having? A fear of losing anything! Nothing is worth the constant fear of having to deal that depth of pain! Why do you think I keep saying it's better not to have anything at all? Not to have anyone?!"
There was a minute or so of deep breaths before he added in a low murmur, "You can't be careless with something nor worry about losing it if you don't have it to begin with."
PC: Jack Burnett | iNPC: Ginyami Midorimori
5 Apr 2020, 09:58
Soaked Secrets
@Jack Burnett
Ruka frowned a little at the tone in Jack's voice, feeling like the words were cutting through him like a knife. He didn't answer, didn't know what to say to that that wouldn't cause Jack to come up with a whole bunch of arguments for why Ruka couldn't possibly know what was better for him than he himself did. This situation was draining enough without trying to argue something the Gryffindor knew he wasn't going to win.
"You're right," he just said. "I can't make those decisions for you and I shouldn't have tried to." He shook his head just as Jack started talking again, his voice showing far more emotion that his face had been throughout the past few minutes. It was almost like the Slytherin was admitting to something, as if Ruka hadn't been aware of the fact that Jack had tried to stop avoiding him on purpose.
As if that had been some sort of secret Ruka hadn't been able to puzzle together by Day Two already.
Ruka took a moment to let the words tumble from Jack's mouth, lifting his left hand to wipe away a stray tear. For a moment there was silence and Ruka was about to say something, but before he could, the other boy's voice filtered into the bathroom again, much smaller than before, more vulnerable.
The sound of his own name spoken with that voice shattered Ruka's heart into a million pieces.
"You're not," he answered calmly, taking a deep breath as he put two fingers against his forehead for a moment as if that could help him gather his thoughts any better. "You're... It's me, have you not noticed?" He let out a laugh, almost a little manical as he considered his own feelings towards other people. "I don't... I don't connect with people, I don't care for them." There was something wrong with that, he knew that, something wrong with him. "Since my dad died, I... I had nobody before you. I didn't want anybody around before you. So how could you possibly be there reason I can't make friends when it's me who's clearly wired the wrong way?"
He wanted to cry, wanted to drag Jack out of that bathroom stall and pull him into a hug, maybe slap him for even thinking those things, but instead he just stood there, unable to do anything but listen as the other boy's patience seemed to snap before Ruka could even really finish his sentence.
Unable to take just staring into emptiness any longer, Ruka finally moved to stand in the doorway of the stall Jack was hiding out in, leaning against the wooden frame in exhaustion. "I know what it's like to have nothing, Jack," he said darkly, voice shaking. "Nothing and nobody at all, save for the clothes on your back. Do you really think all that fear goes away when the only thing you have left to lose is yourself?" He shook his head as if to answer his own question. "It doesn't. It just gets worse and worse until it drives you insane. I know that. So if I think the fear of losing you is worth it, that it's better than not having you around at all, who are you to tell me I'm wrong about that?"
~Hell is other people~ - Jean Paul Sartre
Stamina: 7 ~ Evasion: 10 ~ Strength: 4 ~ Wisdom: 14 ~ Arcane Power: 6 ~ Accuracy: 9
5 Apr 2020, 10:32
Soaked Secrets
@Ruka Tân
Jack shook his head fervently, though of course Ruka wasn't able to see. "It's not you," he argued. "I can prove it. You know today? Today I actually - " He made a sound that might have been an attempt at a laugh choked by a stiffled sob. "- I actually tried to make friends! Just to see if I could!"
His words came out faster then, like he had just opened a container of his confessions and couldn't stop its contents from spilling out. "A while ago, Sei - Ope - Seilun was talking to me about some things. She said I was different now than I was when she first met me. Said 'at least I was nice then'. I asked her if she preferred me being nice on the outside instead of the inside and she denied it, but I know better now.
"People just want what they're presented with; they don't want to have to dig and work just to get to know someone or befriend them. Flash proved as much. He's been right all along and I just didn't see." He shook his head again. "No - I didn't want to see. I didn't want to believe people were that stupid. Or, if they were, I told myself I didn't need them. That I could do without them. But that's not true!" A fist banged against the side of the stall.
"It hurts being this lonely! You know it does! There's a cost to isolating yourself like I do, Ruka, and you have no reason to pay it. Even now, today, I have to admit that some part of me yearned to befriend someone else like others do, even if just for an April Fool's Day. But I couldn't, and do you know why?
"Because habit's been ingrained in me for far too long already. I only know how to push people away, not to bring them close. The pool attracted people easily enough, but I couldn't get any of them to notice my efforts; to like me any better - not even as a superficial friend." He was breathing hard now, as if he would burst had he not tried to get everything out of his mouth fast enough.
"Habit has hard-wired me, not you. There are people who still do their best to befriend you even when they know I'm usually not far away. Catch hold of them and keep them while you can. Better to have a superficial friend than none at all, I think." Jack's voice weakened again. "Take it from someone who lost the priviledge to make that choice."
A shadow darkened his stall and Jack looked up to see Ruka standing there in the doorway. He hoped the small, dimly-lit space would make it difficult for the upperclassman to get a good look at his own countenance which was no doubt stained wtih angry tears once again. The Slytherin pulled his knees to his chest and pressed his face against them as he listened to Ruka take a turn in the conversation. And he had to admit, the Gryffindor had a unique insight into that persepective of having nothing to lose that Jack hadn't considered before.
Yet he turned his head away, preferring to stare at the stall wall than meet the other boy's eyes.
"You're not making any sense," he mumbled helplessly. "If there comes a point when the only thing you have left to lose is yourself, what do you have left to fear?"
Jack shook his head fervently, though of course Ruka wasn't able to see. "It's not you," he argued. "I can prove it. You know today? Today I actually - " He made a sound that might have been an attempt at a laugh choked by a stiffled sob. "- I actually tried to make friends! Just to see if I could!"
His words came out faster then, like he had just opened a container of his confessions and couldn't stop its contents from spilling out. "A while ago, Sei - Ope - Seilun was talking to me about some things. She said I was different now than I was when she first met me. Said 'at least I was nice then'. I asked her if she preferred me being nice on the outside instead of the inside and she denied it, but I know better now.
"People just want what they're presented with; they don't want to have to dig and work just to get to know someone or befriend them. Flash proved as much. He's been right all along and I just didn't see." He shook his head again. "No - I didn't want to see. I didn't want to believe people were that stupid. Or, if they were, I told myself I didn't need them. That I could do without them. But that's not true!" A fist banged against the side of the stall.
"It hurts being this lonely! You know it does! There's a cost to isolating yourself like I do, Ruka, and you have no reason to pay it. Even now, today, I have to admit that some part of me yearned to befriend someone else like others do, even if just for an April Fool's Day. But I couldn't, and do you know why?
"Because habit's been ingrained in me for far too long already. I only know how to push people away, not to bring them close. The pool attracted people easily enough, but I couldn't get any of them to notice my efforts; to like me any better - not even as a superficial friend." He was breathing hard now, as if he would burst had he not tried to get everything out of his mouth fast enough.
"Habit has hard-wired me, not you. There are people who still do their best to befriend you even when they know I'm usually not far away. Catch hold of them and keep them while you can. Better to have a superficial friend than none at all, I think." Jack's voice weakened again. "Take it from someone who lost the priviledge to make that choice."
A shadow darkened his stall and Jack looked up to see Ruka standing there in the doorway. He hoped the small, dimly-lit space would make it difficult for the upperclassman to get a good look at his own countenance which was no doubt stained wtih angry tears once again. The Slytherin pulled his knees to his chest and pressed his face against them as he listened to Ruka take a turn in the conversation. And he had to admit, the Gryffindor had a unique insight into that persepective of having nothing to lose that Jack hadn't considered before.
Yet he turned his head away, preferring to stare at the stall wall than meet the other boy's eyes.
"You're not making any sense," he mumbled helplessly. "If there comes a point when the only thing you have left to lose is yourself, what do you have left to fear?"
PC: Jack Burnett | iNPC: Ginyami Midorimori