Pondering Everything PV Flash Holmwood Fin.

As usual, Flash took to wandering down to the lake on one of his walks. This time, however, he wasn’t wandering around in a mindless daze. He was going there to grab some fresh air. Ever since his talk with Ross, he stopped telling himself he had to go around and keep an eye on everybody. He should have figured it out himself sooner, in no small part due to how boring most people were. It was far more important to know who to watch, and focus on them.

He didn’t do rounds anymore, and now, he sometimes took time just for himself. To breathe. It was one small way of unburdening himself from the insurmountable weight he decided to carry. Instead of hauling it around with him everywhere, he left it behind for the moment and tried to think about nothing at all. It’s effect on him was a vast improvement over his recent jumbled mess.

He was surprised, however, to find one of his people of interest already there, as if a gift from the gods. Opeila, his enduring ally through his recent hardships, sat against a tree, forlornly looking out into the lake. He would have left her to her quiet contemplation, but he had so much still that he wanted to say to her, and even moreso, she looked like she was underdressed for the location. As a gentleman, he couldn’t let her suffer in silence.

”Opeila, may I offer you my cloak?” Flash had taken it off while approaching, not daring to mention that he had just bought her a coat for her birthday for occasions exactly like this one. ”I hope I’m not interrupting.”

@Opeila Seilun

Opeila had noticed someone coming towards the lake minutes ago, but now she recognized him as well. Flash. The girl sent him a smile, she was glad to see him. The conversation in the hospital wing had endet with Opeila in Flash's arms, crying and she didn't really get the chance or had the courage to tell him the things she wanted to tell him.

She would not hesitate a second, if there wasn't the fact that she hardly knew anything about him. He would keep everything behind a blinding wall of good manners. So all she knew about him was that he would risk his life for hers. That much she had seen in the common room.

It was when he offered her his cloak that Opeila started to feel really bad. Flash had given her a coat for her birthday and now he wanted to lend her his cloak? She couldn't take that.
"Flash!" She patted the ground next to her. "Keep your cloak, please. You'll get cold and it's my fault that I didn't put on a coat. Would you join me?" She moved over a little so he'd be able to lean against the tree properly as well and sent him a little smile.

@Flash Holmwood

”Gladly.”

Flash partially accepted the terms, sitting beside Opeila against the large tree trunk. Even though it was large, there wasn’t much to be done about not touching. They had shared more contact than that by now, so he hoped she wouldn’t mind the extra body heat and accept his closeness. After settling himself against the trunk, he cast out the cloak over both of them like a blanket. The weather wasn’t too cold for a fit young boy like him, but Opeila was quite skinny and small comparatively.

The compromise would have to do however, since she didn’t want to accept the cloak outright. It was a good thing so many people were reticent to accept every bit of charity that came their way, but at the same time it could be a massive hindrance. Flash wouldn’t have been able to sit by her and watch her freeze, so his sharing was ultimately inevitable.

In general, Flash wanted to ease the suffering of others, as much as it sometimes seemed he didn’t see people as people at all. It was a jumble of mixed signals that he had only just started to unravel, but at its core, he wanted to make people happy. From the last few weeks, he could only assume it was because he had wished someone would have done the same for him.

It reminded Flash of the time after the attack on the Slytherin commons, and how Opeila’s opening up to him had been the key to him realizing what his hang up had been. Growing up, he never had someone he trusted with information about himself. He wanted to be free of the burden of being known, but it turned out to be so lonely that it was unbearable.

He needed people, just as much as he wanted them to need him. He still needed to be there for Opeila, the emotions at that time had run so high that very little could be expressed. Flash also hadn’t known how to react, or what to say. He had prepared himself in the meantime, though it was a work in progress.

”It’s good that it’s you of all people.” Flash leaned against the tree, looking out over the treetops in the distance. ”You’ve been a good friend to me in more ways than you even know. It may not mean much to you now, but thank you.”

Flash shook his head, a smile playing on his lips.

”Sorry for being sappy, it’s been a lot lately, so I’m being sentimental. How have you been holding up?” His eyes fell back to her.

@Opeila Seilun

Opeila didn't mind the contact at all. The last time they had been that close was in the hospital wing. And in the Common Room before. And both times it had made her feel very safe. So no, she didn't mind the contact at all. She smiled at him, when he cast the blanket over both of them. "You really don't have to do this... Thank you."

She was actually really cold but she could not have accepted Flash giving her his cloak. Especially after he had given her a coat already. She looked at the lake again, a little smile on her face. "The squid hates me. He tried to kill me the first time I was here."
... And she needed to stop herself from thinking any further, because it would lead her to Jack. The Jack, who was gone.

Then Flash started to talk to Opeila, told her that she was a good friend to him, in more ways that she knew. Opeila was certain of that. She hardly knew anything about him, right? "You're welcome... I guess." What else should she answer to it? Then he apologised about being sentimental and asked her how she had been holding up. The twelve year old shook her head. "Don't apologise." How had she been holding up? That was a good question. "Well. I've been holding up I guess." She smiled. "What about you?"

@Flash Holmwood

Opeila was not very forthcoming with her answer to Flash’s question. She would halt her speech, or use hedge phrases like ‘I guess’ to diminish the impact of what she said. It was like she was holding back, too afraid to make a statement, even about her own feelings. He wished he could snap his fingers and have her speak more clearly and diligently, but that was only because he wished that gap would have already been bridged between them. Even though she accepted his closeness and the warmth of his embrace, the two of them were still a great distance apart from each other.

It wasn’t too surprising, Flash had put in a considerable amount of effort into keeping people away from him. At least, the ‘him’ that wasn’t curated to please. If the words she spoke in her hospital bed were anything to go by, Opeila also tried to keep up appearances, despite what was really going on underneath. He wasn’t sure if he was meant to break the wall down and invite himself inside, or respect the boundary she put up. Not that there was a ‘right’ answer. It depended on a lot of factors, especially how much she trusted him.

He tried to think about it from his newfound perspective. The way Opeila saw it, she didn’t want Flash to be frightened away. She had mentioned something specific, someone who took a forgetfulness potion to erase their memory of her. It did seem like a rather drastic mode of escapism, it was no surprise that it would make Opeila self-conscious. To her, it was proof that something about her needed to be avoided and forgotten.

Also, there was the mysterious sister, who she suddenly denied the existence of. A dreadful thought crossed Flash’s mind-- that Opeila may fear succumbing to whatever fate led this sister to be renounced. He couldn’t be brusque and simply ask her to explain herself, as much as his curious mind wanted to weed out the answers. Besides being tactless, he was missing a crucial element: reciprocation.

The opportunity to level the playing field came with her innocuous return of pleasantries, asking if he was holding up as well. It was the chance to show her that he was willing to talk about more.

”It’s been difficult. I started the year thinking I knew everything, and now I fear I completely misunderstood the lessons I was supposed to be learning.” Flash clasped his hands together under the cloak tightly, still unused to admitting his mistakes. ”For a while there, I was in a very dark place. I tried to keep it hidden inside, I thought that was what I was supposed to do. I didn’t want to be a burden. But... because of you, I started to talk to people about it. It made me feel a bit better.”

@Opeila Seilun

Opeila indeed was afraid. She was afraid, that the panicattack that Willow pulled her out of, would come back, if she said anymore about what she felt. She couldn't think about it. She couldn't allow it to herself.
This actually was the first time in days that she risked to spend some time alone. The shadow, that scared her so much, was resting now but it would come to her again. And she just hoped that the presence of other people would help her to keep it at bay. Opeila remembered how she was running through the castle in the middle of the night. She had not been able to breathe, shaking. At least Flash's coat had kept her from getting sick that night.
Willow's calm words. The tapping on her hands. No, the little bracelet girl was far more than she thought she was.

But what about Flash? She knew that he cared about her, just like Opeila cared about him. It scared her that she could admit it, even if it was only in her head. The Slytherin didn't know that sort of feeling. She didn't care about anyone else like she did about Flash. Not her grandmother, who she loved, who she felt safe with. She knew that she could ask her anything. But that was it.
She felt equal to Flash. She wanted to protect him, to be there for him like he always was there for her. And that scared her. When did she start to feel this way?

What scared her the most, was that both Slytherins barley knew anything about the other and Opeila was sure, that eventually there would be something, that would get him to distant himself from Opeila. And that scared her. She remembered what she said the other night, when she had calmed down a little. How often can I fail everyone? Was she failing Flash if she just kept her secrets? Or if she told him?
The truth was that Opeila didn't want to keep her secrets anymore. They felt like stones in a coat that she wore whime trying to swim. Impossible to bear alone.
But she couldn't tell him. Not as long as she knew that she was the only one who gave him all the pieces he needed to possibly destroy her. Not that she thought that Flash would do that. But she also couldn't be sure that he wouldn't, could she?

It surprised her a little when Flash started to talk. And not only gave her a short answer before distracting her of it, but explained it. Did he know what she was thinking? What she was worrying about? He talked about a dark place he had been in. And that it was because of her that he started to talk to people about it. That it made him feel better.

Opeila looked at her friend, thinking about what he said. Wasn't it ironic that it was her, who buried everything inside herself, who also got him to talk about things?
"Would you... would you tell me about it as well?", she asked.

@Flash Holmwood

”Tell you…”

Flash repeated her words dumbly, having somehow not expected them. It was something he still had trouble understanding-- the idea that someone might want to know more about him. It wasn’t the first time it had happened to him, but each time he would recoil, thinking there must be some mistake or ulterior motive. This time, he recovered more quickly.

”I… alright, if you really want to know…” Flash shuffled his sitting position, stalling for time, as if expecting her to change her mind and object. ”It’s hard to know where to begin, I don’t want to talk your ear off.”

It was true, he still hadn’t been able to sort through all of his feelings yet. He wasn’t sure where all they came from, or why they had weighed on him so heavily. When he tried to go to its roots-- the bitterness, the sorrow, the blindness-- it all seemed to stem from guilt. He had tried to be penitent, and knew no other way than to wallow in it. Ross had reminded him what a good man did-- apologize fix his mistakes.

”Ever since I started at Hogwarts, no, even before that, I’ve been trying to get people to pay attention to me. At some point I stopped caring about what I had to do to get it, I started seeing it like a number, I just wanted more people to notice me.” He hadn’t been able to articulate it to himself yet, but he thought that summarized his feelings well. ”Because of that, I hurt people. Because I hurt people, I lost one of my only real friends. I felt so stupid… yet I couldn’t see where I had gone wrong. I thought perhaps I was just…”

Unloveable. He didn’t want to say it out loud, it would do nothing but make him appear piteous. He didn’t want pity.

”I thought a lot of ways about myself. I’m sure everyone has thought of themselves unkindly at some point.” He generalized the feelings instead. Everyone in the world was suffering, many much more than he. It wasn’t humble to soliloquize about one’s misery. He had made his point. ”Of course, you were always kind to me, and so perhaps now you understand why I said I was grateful before. I wanted you to know that, since you seem to think I might have any reason to want to leave your side.”

Flash dusted his bangs out of his face as the cool air off the lake threatened to get it into his eyes. Readjusting the cloak onto him, he looked back to Opeila’s face to see what she might have thought of him now. There was a chance she would get angry, wanting to know how he ‘hurt people’, become suspicious of his motives or question their entire relationship like Willow had.

”I don’t. I want to be there for you, like you were there for me. Even if that means leaving you alone, if you’ll not have me.”

@Opeila Seilun

Opeila noticed that he seemed nervous talking about it, but she wouldn't say anything. She would not change her mind.
He said that he didn't know where to begin, it seemed to be quite a lot that was on his mind. Opeila waited. This was more important to her than he might have thought. And then he did tell her.
He had been trying to get attention at every cost. Counted the people. Opeila froze when he said that. Had she been one of those number? Or- Was she still only a number. The thought hurt, stung right into the inner wound that had tormented her so much the other day. Bad. Worthless. Quietly the Slytherin breathed in deeply. This was not the time to fall back into this. She had asked Flash. Now she had to deal with the answers. Even if they ripped the wound open again.

Flash continued, told her that he hurt people and lost one of his real friends because of what he did. That he couldn't see where it had gone wrong. That he had thought that maybe he just was... unlovable. Flash didn't need to finish the sentence. Opeila looked at him. Wasn't that exactly what she thought about herself? Flash hiding behind his mask, afraid to have people turn against him. Opeila, keeping everything buried inside her because she actually had lost someone who she told.
Suddenly she felt emotionally so close to him, that she had to repress the urge to hug him.

He then started to generalize it, said that probably everyone thought bad about himself at some point. Opeila shook her head. "Don't. Other people's suffering won't make ours go away, right? They don't make ours less important." Hesitantly she leaned her head against the shoulder of the boy next to her. The Slytherin wanted to be there for him, take his suffering away, just as she didn't want him to see the tears that she felt burning in her eyes again. She had to stop that. She had been crying far to often the last day.
"I guess we're more alike than I thought...", she murmured. "...Stay with me..."

@Flash Holmwood

Opeila not only tried to get Flash to not generalize his pain, but rested her head on his shoulder. It was not the reaction he was expecting to get, but the simple reply and gentle action melted his frozen heart. He had only recently started explaining himself to people, or at least explaining his actions up to that point. He wasn’t sure where it would take him in the future, but he knew it was the right thing to do. Most people were angry, many of them called him a liar and swore to never speak with him again. He thought it was better to rebuild from the ground up, even though he had to first fall from the height that he had managed to climb to on the backs of others.

But Opeila was different. She sympathized with him, saying they were similar. He had felt the same way before, but didn’t have the courage to tell her. She was also afraid of being known, albeit for different reasons. Reasons that he didn’t know. It was a balance that was hard to know where to strike. Most people did want to be known, even Opeila must have felt that way to some degree, though it was imprisoned behind iron bars of fear. How much did Opeila want to say, but restrained herself? Flash could ask the same of himself.

What mattered was that she understood. He felt he would never be able to repay her for that. Even before they started to open up, the two of them felt like they were clinging to each other for support. Perhaps it was because they were so similar that they subconsciously flocked to one another. It was an animal instinct, symbiosis, where they saw the opportunity for mutual benefit. Even the way they always seemed to end up in each other’s arms was an instinct. Human touch was so necessary, but for many it was ephemeral. Something they didn’t have an outlet for. That was perhaps the symbiotic relationship that they had, that they both needed.

With that, Flash leaned his head on Opeila’s, and reached out under the cloak to take one of her hands and clasp it in his, weaving his fingers through hers. This way, she would be able to warm up even quicker. Not even just her body, but also her heart. She had made no mention whatsoever of wanting to talk about what had happened the last month, but Flash wanted to know. He hated not knowing.

”Would you like to share your troubles as well?” Flash spoke into her hair, squeezing gently with his hand as if to say he was tied to her-- he wouldn’t be leaving no matter what she said. ”I know they’re weighing on you… I know that feeling. It feels better to get them out, to let other people help you carry them.”

@Opeila Seilun