A letter to an enemy To Jack Burnett Closed

Seilun,

You've been right about me from the start, but there may be more you don't know about. I'm sorry I'm such a coward, but that's how I've lived for a long time. It's the only way I know how to survive, along with being selfish. I know it was extremely difficult for both of us in the courtyard that day, but I was doing it with both of our best interests in mind. We can't be friends, but it may not be for the reason you think.

You said that you fear people turning against you and letting you down. That's completely understandable, but for me, that's not the worst thing that can happen when you make a strong bond with someone. Remember when I said friends will only hurt you regardless of their intentions? And that the people with the best intentions who are the most caring usually cause the worst pain? You told me that cowards with the best intentions are the ones who get people hurt, but I don't think that's necessarily the case. Here's why.

There's a boy I met the other day who has only known his dad. His mom left them a few days after he was born, he says. But I also found out that his dad is dead now. I don't know when it happened or how, but it sounds like his dad was all he had left. I don't know how he still finds the motivation to get up each morning, let alone go about his day. I don't think I'd be able to. Do you?

But think of this. His dad only loved and cared for him. He wasn't a coward despite being a single muggle parent raising a son with magic powers. However, that didn't stop the boy from getting hurt when his dad died. His dad didn't do anything to turn on him or let him down intentionally. It wasn't being a coward that caused his dad to hurt him. It was the loss of a person he had such a close bond with that caused that boy pain.

The way I see it, if you don't have any bonds with anyone in the first place, then you don't have to worry about losing them. If you have nothing to lose, you have nothing to fear. It may be a little lonely at times, but since positive relationships aren't the only way to connect to people, I manage to get by in other ways. Making people hate me is a lot easier than trying to get them to like me. In hating me, they still acknowledge my existance and I have an impact on their lives, but if we part for whatever reason, there isn't much of a loss. Nothing like losing someone you care about, anyway.

That's why I'm fine with having enemies but not friends. I wanted to cut ties with you that day because I knew we were getting too close and enjoying each others' company too much. However much it may have hurt then or hurt now, it's less than it would have been if we had gotten closer and parted ways later on down the road.

Also, it's because you don't hate me that I'm afraid to face you. At least I'm pretty sure I managed to get Gem Stuart to hate me before he left me that day, which was hard enough with how nice he is. It would be easier if you hated me too and I wish you would, but I know you're far too stubborn and clever to fall for my tricks that easily. That's why it's all I can do to try to avoid you instead.

I appreciate you telling me about the potion and your mother. I'm sorry I didn't know about that and it makes a lot more sense now. However, there's also more to what happened with that on my side as well.

I believe positive relationships are detrimental to peoples' health because they make them lose their sense of logic and reason. In doing so, they forget their own survival instincts which is what has allowed even the most basic lifeforms to persist over the years. For example, when I saw the state you were in, my sense of reason was overwhelmed by my worry over you; someone I cared about. I was so determined not to lose you, I didn't think about what I was saying or doing.

That's why when Stuart offered to help, even jokingly, I just wanted him to do it without even thinking about the particular potion he mentioned. I was just thinking of a regular sleeping draught, not the Draught of the Living Death, and it's not like the usual me to overlook important details like that. That was my first clue that something was wrong. It was literally dangerous for me to be so concerned about you because I couldn't think straight. If Stuart hadn't made me realize my mistake, you could have died just because I cared too much.

Human emotions are frightening and I want to minimize the harm they could do to both me and others. I hope you can understand that even if you don't agree with it, either. Humans are the only ones who are willing to sacrifice their own lives for other people not related to them. They're also the only ones willing to hurt or kill each other without a proper reason. That's why since emotions like love seem to mostly be a human thing, from a strictly logical standpoint, I figure such emotions can only be harmful to us.

Maybe other people can work through feeling emotions and staying sane, but I'm not sure I trust myself to. At least not yet. If I can learn how to make a Forgetfulness potion or find someone who does, there might be hope for me still. There's also someone I know who claims not to care about other people so I wonder if he can teach me that. If he can, maybe I can be more like him and still interact with people regularly without worrying about growing too close to them.

Until then, though, I hope you stay safe and you take care of yourself better. I can't help worrying even now, though I know I shouldn't and I have no right to. Hopefully, with time, you'll be able to forgive me. If not, I hope you'll at least be able to forget.

- Jack Burnett

Burnett,

I am impressed. So many words hiding one little message that I will let you figure out yourself.

The other thing I just found out about you, surprises me a lot. It is not that you are scared of being hurt. You are scared of not having power over every part of your life. And thereby losing things or people that you care about.
You can't stop accidents from happening, you know? Hell, why am I even asking.
But arguing like this you can't even have a bond with your grandparents. Or your parents. They will all go before you do.
It has nothing to do with people hurting you. You simply don't accept how nature works. How life works.
Losing someone you love can be painful, but you will recover. Because the memories you have of that person will stay. The love- or whatever feeling- you had remains.
Having someone leaving you is different. Everytime you think of the other person it feels like it tears you apart and it takes longer to heal. I never even knew if it was my fault when people turned away from me. I blamed myself for everything for a long time.
But do you know what the worst thing is when you push someone away that you don't want to care for? Denying everything won't stop you from caring and it won't stop accidents from happening. And when the person goes, guilt sets in. And it consumes you. I've seen it with other people. They broke because of what they did.
And I see that you still do care, otherwise you wouldn't have answered but your way of dealing with your fear worries me.

You've gotten poor Gem Stuart to hate you? That is hard. He only tried to help...
And the situation with the potions was a huge overreaction from your side. And- honestly, do you actually think I would have died if Gem Stuart hadn't stopped you? You've only just said before that I am stubborn, what is quite right! So no, I would not have died. And also a few nights without sleep won't kill me.

But what I am saying is, that you are minimizing the harm you could do to yourself right now. But not on long term. It will all get back to you.
And please- Spare me of the dramatic forgiving or forgetting stuff. We will live here for another six and a half years and I don't intend to spend them ignoring and avoiding you. I won't give up on you. And neither have you, I can see it.

So, I don't want to spend hours on writing letters anymore, while we live in the same part of the castle! Especially in times of climate change I don't think that this is necessary. I will wait for you in the classroom on the second floor tomorrow afternoon.

-Opeila

Seilun,

I'm sorry, but I still don't think you understand.

It's not that I want to have more control over my life. I'm not a control freak. I just wish I could control my emotions, but I know we can't, so I try to avoid what could cause unwanted emotions in the first place.

Yes, I know that I don't really have a choice when it comes to family because it's not like I can avoid having a bond with them. That doesn't mean I'm not scared.

Just because I'm afraid of the pain emotions can cause doesn't mean I don't know how to accept how nature or life works. I know it's likely my parents will die before I do, but that's not the point. I know better than to try to change what I can't, like family. It's what I can help changing that I focus on, like getting other people to hate or at least avoid me.

When you say that losing someone you love can be painful but that you will recover, you sound like you're talking as someone who has never lost anyone before. You mention your mother is lost to you in a sense, but she is still alive and you have the possibility of interacting with her again someday.

Maybe I shouldn't expect you to understand because you said you find it easy to hate your parents right now. But if your dad, for example, was all you had in the world and then suddenly you didn't have him anymore, I doubt you would still be thinking that you would recover.

Having someone leave you by dying is no different from someone leaving you in any other way. Again, you're talking like you've had people close to you die, but I don't think you have, so can you really say you know that it's faster to heal that pain?

The way I see it, it's actually easier to deal with someone leaving you on their own because that means they were never worth your time in the first place. Death is different because it's not a choice and it can be just as painful for one party as it can for the other.

If you've ever blamed yourself for people leaving you, that's a matter of your lack of self-esteem and your own lack of self-confidence. People leaving you by their choice isn't your fault unless you meant to make them leave on purpose. If you didn't, then it's their fault for not accepting you as you are and you're probably better off without them.

You say that you've seen what happens to other people when they deny that they care about someone. But have you ever experienced it yourself? How can you claim to know what happens to other people if you haven't felt it and been through it first-hand?

You can guess and speculate, but you can't ever really know, so I think you should stop talking like you do. I've done it, I know, and I'm prepared to accept the consequences, so I'd appreciate it if you would stop lecturing me on the topic like you know more about it than I. I know what I'm doing. Don't presume to know what I feel guilty about or why.

Gem Stuart was going to hate me sooner or later anyway. It was never just about the potions. A while back, his boyfriend wanted me to fight him, so I did, but I did it with a kiss on the cheek in self defense. With Stuart, I just kissed him on the cheek too, so it would be even. His response was to backhand me and spit on me, so I'm guessing he hates me now, but it's his choice to.

I say that make people hate me, but in reality, I can't really make anyone do anything. They're the ones who succumb to their emotions and feel what they decide to feel. It's not my fault if they take the bait I set out for them because they don't want to think for themselves.

As for you dying, again, I think you're missing the point. It's not about the fact that I almost asked Stuart to make a dangerous potion - that was just an example of how things could have gone wrong. The main problem is that my emotions kept me from thinking straight. Whenever emotions cloud anyone's judgement, everyone is at risk. That's why it's better not to let such strong emotions overwhelm us in the first place.

I appreciate you trying to help warn me against future harm I could be doing to myself, but consider this. I've warned you against sleepless nights because I've read about the brain damage that can happen if you don't get a proper amount of REM sleep. Even ignoring that brain damage, suppose you were so sleepy that one day you accidentally made a potion badly or did a spell wrong and it killed you. That's one of many ways that a few nights without sleep actually could kill you.

Even so, I don't make a habit of going nights without sleep, so I can't say for sure if you would be damaged in the ways I've heard and imagined. You don't make a habit of pushing people away, so you can't say for sure if I would be damaged in the ways you've heard and imagined. Even if we both had first-hand experiences on the same matters, we're each different people, so who's to say our doing the same things would result in the same consequences?

You don't have to try to ignore me or avoid me. That would be too much to ask of you. However, you can't expect me not to try to do them myself. I found out we learn Forgetfulness potions pretty early on in our Potions class, so perhaps this will all be solved sooner than I thought. If I forget you, then I won't even have to worry about avoiding or ignoring you anymore.

Again, I'm sorry you took the time and trouble to write your letter, but please don't bother anymore. I doubt it'll do either of us any good. You can wait all you want, but consider this correspondence my last attempt to communicate with you.

- Jack Burnett

Burnett,

Do, what you have to do, but you will see, what I mean.
I have met the boy, you talked about in your letter before. Are you planning on "handeling" him like everyone else? I don't know how close you are, but I think it could break him.

-Opeila