Pondering Parents PV Opeila Seilun Finished

"Who could I've shared it with? This is nothing you carry around and tell everyone. I don't even know why I told you. And I swear you, if a word of what I told you leaves this place, I will kill you."

"I mean...lots of people find other people they feel they can confide in," Jack answered. "Even if it was just someone like your dad. B-but don't worry," he added hurriedly, putting up his palms to show her he meant no harm. "I know how to keep a secret, promise. I just...I don't know why you feel like you have to keep this one."

"Are you one of those people? Using knowledge against others? I've met quite a few of them, some I would have never expected to be like that."

Jack had to think about that question a moment before responding. "I don't think so," he told her finally. "Well...not against them, anyway. Remember how I told you I like tricksters? A lot of tricksters use the information they have on people and seem like the 'bad guy' - but in reality, they use the information to help others. So maybe I would use information on someone, but only if I thought it was for their own good." He frowned. "There's nothing clever about betraying someone by using a weakness they trusted you with against them."

"Could you hate your own parents? I can. And that is the problem. I don't want to hate them but they are making it really hard. Hating them makes a lot of things easier. I am not that scared of my dad's next mood or my mom's next... experiment. But they are my parents." She seemed sad at having said that. "If I hate them, who do I have left? I don't want to be alone."

The boy listened and sighed after a while, thinking of Opeila's predicament. It seemed like he was still missing a lot of pieces of the puzzle, so he didn't know what she meant by her dad's mood or her mom's experiment. Still, he thought he understood some of the complexity of emotions she was getting at.

"Hate is a lot closer to love than you know," he said. "Some people even go so far as to say you can't hate a person without having loved them first. I know you feel really strongly about them, but I think that's a good thing. It means you still feel something for them. It's like how families who fight are closer than families who don't even talk to each other. I'm sure you'll be able to work things out with them sometime, even if it takes a while. You just gotta hang in there."

He gave her a light, playful punch in the arm. "Maybe...maybe you can learn to confide in other people, too," Jack said hesitantly after a minute. "That might help. You don't have to care about them or whatever, but...sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers than people you know well."

"I am not in the position to do anything about it anyway. And thank you for listening. Jack."

"Yeah, no problem," he answered, smiling as he held the door open for her. It was a tad bit more sad than before, all their fears and hardships as first-years tumbling through his mind, but it seemed easier when someone else was there to talk to about them. Knowing you could be there for someone and that they would be there for you in return - it was all very nostalgic. But with that nostalgia came sorrow and other memories Jack didn't want to remember.

Be careful, Jack, he warned himself warily. You're starting to repeat the past.

@Opeila Seilun

"I mean...lots of people find other people they feel they can confide in. Even if it was just someone like your dad."

"My Dad is a coward. He'd rather hurt everyone around him than risk something. Anything. He knows how I feel and still he pretends not to know. He likes to see me as his little girl that he successfully protects from any harm. And he is afraid that my Mum would break if he said a word to her. He lives in his own perfect world, trying to create one around me as well." Opeila shook her head. "It is so easy to hate them..."

"B-but don't worry, I know how to keep a secret, promise. I just...I don't know why you feel like you have to keep this one."

"Can't you think of one reason? I don't want to be pitied by people. I've had enough time to get over feeling like an abandoned little girl. I want to be understood. And I guess, that is why I told you.
Or at least you make me feel a little understood, wheither you actually do or not."

"I don't think so. Well...not against them, anyway. Remember how I told you I like tricksters? A lot of tricksters use the information they have on people and seem like the 'bad guy' - but in reality, they use the information to help others. So maybe I would use information on someone, but only if I thought it was for their own good. There's nothing clever about betraying someone by using a weakness they trusted you with against them."
A little smile showed on Opeila's face. "I like that.", she said. "I start to believe that you are not as much of a wannabe that I thought you were.

"Hate is a lot closer to love than you know. Some people even go so far as to say you can't hate a person without having loved them first. I know you feel really strongly about them, but I think that's a good thing. It means you still feel something for them. It's like how families who fight are closer than families who don't even talk to each other. I'm sure you'll be able to work things out with them sometime, even if it takes a while. You just gotta hang in there.
Maybe...maybe you can learn to confide in other people, too. That might help. You don't have to care about them or whatever, but...sometimes it's easier to talk to strangers than people you know well."

Opeila had to think about that for quite a while. "That is true. But it takes so much more energy to hate someone with all of your heart. It can tear you apart and it takes ages to put yourself back together.
Yep. That means, if she doesn't die before we get the chance. You know what the last thing was, my Mum said to me? 'Good bye, love.'. I don't know how, but I feel that this was an actual good bye. I won't see her again. And I don't really want to either.", she admitted.
Again she smiled a little when he punched her arm. "Trust a stranger? That is the worst thing you've said until now!", she said, just a playful. "I want to see you do that. I'll set up a stop clock to see how long you will last."

"Yeah, no problem,"
Opeila walked through the door he held open for her and down the stairs. Carefully she looked around the corners in the silent corridor. "Everything's clear.", she wispered in Jack's direction.

When Jack heard Opeila talk about her dad, he cringed a little inwardly, but said nothing. It struck him that her father was very much like he considered himself to be. Jack thought of himself as a coward, too, but he thought of cowards as self-preservationists, so he didn't necessarily think of it as a bad thing. The redhead suspected there may have been more to Opeila's dad's side of the story than she knew, but he chose not to comment on it. It wasn't his business nor his family, so it wasn't his place to share his opinion on the matter, either.

He nodded in realization and acknowledgement when the Slytherin girl mentioned that she didn't want to be pitied. He hadn't pitied her himself, so he hadn't considered the possibility, but now that she had spoken it aloud, it did sound plausible.

"I think I know what you mean. And...I'm glad I could make you feel understood," he told her. "You made me feel the same when you said you knew what it was like to feel homesick, so it's good to know I could return the favor," Jack said with a smile. "And I'm happy you can appreciate what I mean about tricksters' ways."

The boy raised a brow at Opeila's claim that hate took so much more energy than love did. "Does it?" he asked with a doubtful little smile. "I thought you just said it was easy to hate your parents. It sounds to me like you both love and hate them at the same time, which I think can be the most exhausting thing of all because you're at war with yourself over what you feel. But it is possible."

Jack rolled his eyes with a sneer when his housemate claimed that trusting a stranger was the worst thing he'd said so far. "Hey, all I mean is that once you're done talking to them and letting it all out, you don't have to worry about what they think because they don't mean anything to you; they're just a stranger. Even if they judge you for what you said or don't agree with you, since you don't know them, there's no reason that their opinion should matter to you. You could walk away and never talk to them again." Smirking at her, he added, "Besides - I talked to you about certain things, right? And you talked to me, even though we're practically strangers."

He followed after Opeila down the stairs and into the corridor after her. It was nice that they were headed for the same common room so they could watch each others' backs and keep each other company along the way, even if they didn't dare speak outside of the tower for fear of alerting others to their presence.

When they finally reached their common room, Jack glanced back at Opeila and gave her a small wave. "Good night," he said, turning to head up the stairs to the boys' dormitory. This was where they parted ways. "See you around."

"I think I know what you mean. And...I'm glad I could make you feel understood. You made me feel the same when you said you knew what it was like to feel homesick, so it's good to know I could return the favor.
And I'm happy you can appreciate what I mean about tricksters' ways."
Opeila's brows rose. "Hold on.", she said. "You thought that you were... indebted to me? Well, I didn't." She smiled. "No need for payback, don't force yourself." That was a way to think. Was he seeing himself as indebted every time someone said or did something that made him feel good? That sounded like it took a lot of energy, always remembering who you owe an emotional favour.

"Does it? I thought you just said it was easy to hate your parents. It sounds to me like you both love and hate them at the same time, which I think can be the most exhausting thing of all because you're at war with yourself over what you feel. But it is possible."
Again Opeila had to think of that for a while. He was right. That probably was the most exhausting thing about it, but that was not everything she meant. "Yes and no. Hating them is easier. Shortterm. Longterm it is exhausting, because after a while guilt sets in. And guilt steals a lot of energy. But I guess you are right that feeling both at once is what makes it the hardest...."

"Hey, all I mean is that once you're done talking to them and letting it all out, you don't have to worry about what they think because they don't mean anything to you; they're just a stranger. Even if they judge you for what you said or don't agree with you, since you don't know them, there's no reason that their opinion should matter to you. You could walk away and never talk to them again."
"If you do that often enough, you will care at some point. Or at least I will. Because if it becomes common knowledge, there will be more than one person to judge you. That is nothing I want to live with for years, especially in a place with as few people as there are here."
Besides - I talked to you about certain things, right? And you talked to me, even though we're practically strangers.
She returned the smile. "True. Don't ask me why I did that, I don't know."

Opeila was glad not to have to go back to the common room alone, even though they didn't talk on their way back. It was calming to be with someone else who could watch their back.
"Good night. See you around.", Jack said, heading to the boy's dormitory.
Opeila also was walking towards her dorm, suddenly very tired. Her bed was waiting for her up there...
"Good night, Burnett. Thanks for listening.", she said, smiling a little.