The Letter From Durmstrang Aleks

Hi Bastien!

Nice to meet you. You’ll probably find this kind of crap, but I have to agree you won’t learn anything from me. I am not that sophisticated.
Still, the program sounds pretty cool? Well—except if your letter had landed in a teacher’s hands. That would’ve been kind of awkward.

Anyway—hi, first of all,
so, my name’s Aleks! Culturally speaking, I’m more south-ish slavic than English, but I’ve lived here long enough to manage talking about tea and bad weather. I guess that makes me as british as the Queen?

Honestly, I can’t imagine you’re going to reply to this. Unless your teacher forces you—then I almost pity you… By the way, your letter fell right onto my inkpot and destroyed my homework. I don’t think my professor’s gonna buy that. It probably will just look like another lame excuse. Oh, right, focus: I’m 12, almost 13!
So, second year at Hogwarts. House Slytherin. That’s the green one with the snake, and we live under the water like crippled mermaids. Supposedly there’s a Kraken down here too, but I’m starting to doubt it. Haven’t seen the oceanic spagetthi once in over a year…


What’s Durmstrang like? If you actually do reply, I’d at least like to know whether the rumors are true that you guys torture each other for good grades. Someone told me that once in the bathroom!

P.S. Your signature is pretty. Maybe I should work on mine… can you even read my letter?
Good luck on that cultural discovery thing! I hope to hear from you again.

Peace out,

Monsieur Drašković,

Unfortunately we must continue out correspondence until I obtain enough information to write an informational essay on our "cultural differences" so-to-speak. I must say it is refreshing to learn that my letter fell into the hands of a Slav rather than a Brit, although it is a small advantage. You must have been to the continent, no? If you have, I conclude that you are cultured and may use this information in my report.

It seems that it is not I that needs pity. If you find yourself in need of someone to vouch for the reason your homework has been ruined, I suppose I can write your professor a letter but I cannot say that it will work if you use these "lame excuses" often. I personally recommend blackmailing another student for their homework and using theirs instead. That particular process can be very rewarding at times, although it will create enemies.

Being "almost 13" means nothing. You are not 13. You are 12. So there is no reason to mention this. And I cannot use that in my report. Your age is not cultural.

The description of your living quarters, however, is very useful. How is it that you live underwater? I would like to know more. You must find a way to seek out this "oceanic spaghetti" as you so crudely put it. My family owns a net used by ancient sailors designed to catch these beast if I can somehow utilize that for you in order to serve my purposes. We deal in magical artifacts.

As for Durmstrang, it is barbaric to say the least. There is no concern for etiquette or delicacy. It is cold. We eat an excessive amount of potatoes and salted meat. This is my second year of formal education at an institution, but I started at Beauxbatons. I sincerely hope that this "torture" is a rumor but if it is not, I will find a way to use that to my advantage as well.

And I appreciate the flattery. I will remember that. Your letter is legible although I would advise you to form a better relationship with your ink pot. There are splotches everywhere. I will conclude my letter with the phrase you used, although it does not make sense in French nor in English I might add.

Paix Dehors,Peace Out

Hello Bastien!

Awesome hearing from you again—I’ll pretend I can’t smell the sarcasm bleeding through your ink! Truth is, I was born on the mainland. My mum moved with me to Portsmouth when I was little. You can go ahead and say I’m from the English coast if that helps you pad your essay!
Where are you from, though? With a last name like yours I’d guess France, but your envelope doesn’t smell like roses, wine, or baguette. Not that all French people smell like that—but at least ninety-nine out of a hundred surely do! I doubt you’re the one exception… unless you scrub yourself aggressively or something! That would be stupid.

As for homework—don’t think there’s much you can do for me there. Let’s just say I don’t do it regularly enough. It’s not that I’m stupid, I just can’t be bothered. We’ve got loads of writing and books to read. Practicals? Barely any—definitely less than I’d like! Are your assignments mostly written, too?

Being “almost 13” is actually cultural, you know. Thanks to my excellent Hogwarts education, I can tell you age is calculated differently in Korea than here in England!~
And now I hope you’re sitting back impressed… (scrabbled heart).

About my living situation—each house has its own quarters, and since I’m in Slytherin, ours are in the basement beneath the lake, right next to our castle. We’ve got huge windows and almost no light, just this gloomy green. Sometimes I swear it feels damp. Honestly? I think it’s crap. If I could choose, I’d rather be in Gryffindor. At least they have daylight, instead of 24 hours a day wondering if a kraken’s going to smash its tentacle against your bedframe!

Maybe you should send me one of those magical artifacts—you know, I could catch its noodly appendages and make money off it? Who do you usually sell your artifacts to, anyway?
And are you going to take over the business when you graduate? Sounds really cool, having a family business like that. Do you get a discount? Do I get a discount if I name drop you???

I just realized you were at Beauxbatons, so you are probably French after all. Sorry.
Sorry too, about how awful Durmstrang sounds! I don’t really understand why you’re even there if you started at Beauxbatons. Did you get kicked out…?


P.S. Not my fault about the ink! I’m left-handed, and my palm smears over my writing. No idea how everyone else manages. Maybe I should start writing with my right hand.

Excited to hear from you.
Greetings and brofist,