where is your will, friend? pv Finished

@Catriona Staverly

It felt wrong, seeing her emotions curl up in a little ball after he'd snapped at her like that. Gem never felt very significant, sure, he knew people, but he never felt like he was a real person. He never thought he could matter to someone so much that they start crying, he never felt like anyone would love him enough to cry about something so small, so minuscule, that he did. Was he wrong? Was he in the wrong? His perception of morality was so warped that he couldn't draw a line-- he didn't know how to draw a line, and that was the problem. He'd spent so much time focusing on everyone else, that he never wanted to think about the idea that he may have been rejecting himself.

And that made him mad.
Seeing Catriona cry like that made him realize things, things he pushed back and thought to realize maybe later. He didn't like mattering-- he refused to accept the fact he was something in someone else's life that was impactful. That, mixed with the possibility that she wanted to manipulate him (for whatever reason-- she might've been a sociopath or an amazing actress) sent him down a spiral of anger, confusion, conflict, and depression. He didn't know what else to do, except give her the hardest, coldest stare he could manage. He didn't let that sadness quirk into his eyes, or his face-- it was flat, his brows were furrowed, and his eyes might as well have spelt out the sentence 'I'm very disappointed'.

"I don't know how you expect me ta know you if you never even try ta talk to me!" He hissed, the break in his voice throwing him off his balance. "Have ya ever considered e' fact I might think I'm a nuisance to you? A stain on yer life? Of course you don't, , cos ya know what? You don't know me either. You never knew me, cos I never wanted to make ya feel like you had ta worry. Clearly that backfired, didn't it? Cos ya never joost think maybe you're the wrong one - or, or- or you think that you're stupid. You blame yerself so much it doesn't even feel real, like a real apology." He swallowed back the lump in his throat, the anger fueling the fire of his words, coming out like a damn water faucet turned on the highest setting.

"If our friendship is doomed to ya, mate, then never talk to me again. I thought that maybe, maybe, I'd mean somefin' to ya, but I don't. 'It's all doomed'," He put up airquotes, "It's all doomed my arse, you made it this way. You made it this way cos ya never thought ta talk, and-" He inhaled, his breath quivering. He started to lose his fire, having it drowned out by a wet, cold splash of despair. "And ya made me think nothin' would matter when I'm thirty-eight. I thought we'd matter when I'm thirty eight, but I guess not. I guess ya joost had ta go foul that up, too."

Interacting with @Gem Stuart
Mentioning no one
RPing as Catriona Staverly | text color #8e7cc3

When Catriona was younger, she would spend hours watching the raindrops sliding down her window. One night, she'd gone outside while it was raining, spending close to an hour dancing in the rain. The door was stuck when she tried to go back inside. She'd spent an eternity at that door, pressing her body against it as hard as she could, like one push was the only thing between her and dry clothes. She never did manage to get the door open. She could still remember that desperation she felt, watching her reflection in the glossy wood and thinking she was only one wooden door away from safety.

She'd sat there, on her doorstep, and sobbed out of pure desperation. It was dark when she finally realized she'd left the back door unlocked on her way outside. The door she'd been banging against was locked from the inside.

Arguing with Gem felt like banging on that door. No matter how hard she threw herself into the walls he built up, she couldn't get in because they were locked. They would always be locked. And there was nothing Catriona could do or say or think to get them open because Gem didn't want her inside. Bang on the door, bang on the window, who cares. No matter what, you always end up crying in the dark.

Catriona was done with it. Burn all their things done with it. Rip every mention of them from your letters and then let your cat shred them done with it.

"You hurt me," she said. "I hurt you too and I'm sorry for that. But I'm not going to let you sit here and tell me all of this is my fault. I—" she paused, sniffing a little and scrubbing at her eyes with the sleeve of her robe. "I don't think I can fix this." Her voice cracked a little on the last syllable and she winced. "So, uh... I'm gonna go." She motioned behind her, absently, already backing away from Gem.

When she was passed his line of sight, she bolted, running as fast as she could, so people wouldn't catch her crying.

Catriona has left the thread.