Sleepless Minds pv Deathmote Closed

She was numb through his words and as a tear slipped down her cheek she reached up mechanically to wipe it off of her face. When he snatched the cloak from her and sat down she followed suit in sitting down. “I refuse to accept that, Kaegen. Maybe I will be spending my whole life fighting a futile fight, but at least I will have fought for something.” A group of friends close enough to be family it was always something that she had read about and something she never thought she would have. She would, however, try for it and nothing was going to stop her from at least making the attempt.

She blinked back the rest of her tears rubbing her eyes to help as she tried to shove her emotions back down where they belonged. She was happy that he at least took the cloak from her as she could tell this boy was not as impervious to the cold and illness as he claimed. They both would no doubt probably end up feeling sick after this as well. Sometimes the prize was worth the consequences of getting caught by a professor.

She took a deep breath and looked him over once more a little satisfied that it seemed like he had at least was starting to develop a small amount of trust. “I made you a promise, Kaegen, and my word is my bond. Ask me your questions I will answer anything you ask me to the best of my ability." It was a promise and not one made lightly. 

"Everyone fights for something. They fight for the right to survive, the privilege to not end up someone's meal. There is nothing else. I have slipped so many times, and every single time I have dragged myself back. I am nothing but scars, I am the monster of hogwarts, the demon of the abandoned bathrooms. I fought for myself every day of my life and I am barely alive."

He didn't feel so cold anymore. He was starting to feel too many emotions, and he was starting to become numb, go hypothermic. He stopped squatting, standing up. He didn't know what to do, didn't know what emotions to cling to, so he went to an old favorite. He reached for hate, and found it. He found hate and rage and loathing, grabbed hold with all his might, and pulled. If he couldn't give himself strength, he would borrow it from his emotions, temporary solace in a sea of weakness.

"People don't have time to fight for others. If you stop to look at those you pass by, if you stop to treat the wounded, you will be dragged down with them. The moment you stop clawing for life, you lose that life. The moment you relax and let down your guard is the moment you begin to slip. Those who help others do it to gain an edge, to garner support."

A rather fierce gust of wind began to pick up briefly, blowing against kaegen, who simply leaned along with the wind, blowing fluidly like a blade of grass. He offered almost no resistance, and gently moved back up as the wind passed, repressing the urge to shiver. Move aside, then move back once the danger had passed. Fog, air, water. You couldn't kill them, they just moved around you.

"You don't exist. You can't. I am nothing to you but a spark, a memory. I am meat to you, and you are meat to me. Do you cry for your food? Cry for the scratched castle walls? You cannot pierce into worlds the likes of which man cannot fathom. You are no greater than the rest of them, and yet you talk like you can defy the world?"

Kaegen was such a puzzle… What had happened to this poor boy to make him see the world like this? Her heart broke for him if only she could allow him to see the world through her eyes. “You live in a world of darkness and shaded greys. I hope someday; someone can illuminate your world with vibrant color. It’s like you look around and you see everything as if it were already dead and decaying. What you fail to see is that even a forest that has been razed and ravaged by fire grows stronger and more beautiful from the ashes.”

She shook her head a little trying to compile her thoughts. “Existence is what we make it… Maybe I exist because I believe I do and that is all that matters. If we didn’t exist, we would have no reason to be communicating right here right now… Yet if you were to reach out and touch me you would feel me steadfast and solid. Who’s to say whether we are or not real? If I am here and experiencing it… Then I simply am and so are you. If I speak like I can defy the world it is because I intend to.”

She was freezing and let lips were not starting to turn blue from the cold. Now that her cloak was securely wrapped around Kaegen, who was worse off than she was, she was now freezing. He might have been able to suppress the shivers that the cold brought on, but she could not. “You have not asked me any real questions, yet you know… I am not like you, and if I stay out much longer, I certainly well become quite ill. Why don’t you walk me back to the castle and ask your questions on the way? I promised to give you answers, and though my promise does not expire, I have a feeling you have something you want an answer for now.” Maybe she was wrong; perhaps he didn’t, but it wouldn’t be the first time, and she was certainly not the last that she would be wrong when it came to Kaegen.     

Oh, he had questions. He wanted answers, he wanted them more than anything else. But he didn't just want to hear the answer, he wanted to believe it. And that was something he wasn't sure his mind was able to wrap around. How exactly did someone prove they didn't want to kill you? How did someone show that they weren't something to be feared? How did anyone disentangle themselves from the massive web of lies and shadows that plagued the fen-child's mind.

It was maddening. He wasn't allowing himself to reach for the treasure that dangled before him, the treasure of trust, and friendship. But at the same time, he strove for it. So what was he supposed to do, then? What course of action was there to take?

"Of course. But what you fail to see is that to make way for that stronger forest, the old trees had to die. The animals died. The strength of their corpses feeds the forest to come. That's all well and good for someone on the outside, but for those in that forest? It's annihilation. They will not be able to enjoy the new forest, because they will be ash and dust."

It did make some small comfort that she admitted that she wasn't natural. That she was trying to defy the world. It was easier to believe something if it was just an affirmation of your own beliefs. Of course it was true, he had thought of it, after all. And if she really was that crazy, then it would make sense as to why she wanted to help. Maybe that was it, maybe she was just insane.

She was right. she couldn't handle the cold. She needed to go in. He didn't. He was just following along, following along for questions and answers. He almost stumbled as he started to walk, feet having both gone numb and fallen asleep, a combination not exactly conducive to a steady gait. But he shook it off fast as he thought of a fiendish question, something that could ensnare the girl and expose her for what she was, assuming she was something at all. He preferred her to just be some crazy girl. A girl crazy enough to throw a stick at a god.

"What is your world, then. Where do you walk, what do you see."

He wasn’t wrong when it came to his sentiments about the forest. Though when it is a slow terraform, typically, the animals were evacuated and/or had time to run. Granted not all forest fires are controlled. Things like that always couldn’t be controlled, and that was really what life was all about. She was, however, thoroughly relieved when he seemed to be amicable to moving towards the castle. As much as she said it was only for her, she had a feeling that was the only way he would have agreed to it in the first place.

He almost stumbled as she fell in step next to him, and it took everything in her not to try and help steady him. She knew if she had made a movement to do so, all of the progress that she had made with him would be lost. Then he finally asked her a question and she did not even need to take time to answer him.

“Let’s use the burned forest as an example. Picture us standing at the edge of a burned forest. You see charcoal, death, and destruction. I see the little green shoots of new life sprouting reaching up towards the sun. I see nutrient soil ready to welcome new crop within its fold. I feel like you only see a world of shaded greys when I see the peaks of color push themselves through. I walk in a world where springtime renews and flourishes with bright colors as the world warms from the frost. The birds sing, and life can start anew. The summers are warmth and growth, begging us to go out and explore what the Spring gave us. Autumn rich with its oranges, reds, browns, and golds. Autumn teaches us that there is beauty in something ending and that the end is not always bad. Sometimes it is the necessary change we need to be able to become something far more than we were. Winter covered with a soft blanket of crystallized white, showing us that even the world needs to rest and hibernate to be its best sometimes. The air becomes crisp, and the wind bites because not everything can be warm and perfect. That brings us back to Spring and awakening from our winter hibernation, just like the caterpillars coming out of their cocoons as butterflies or moths. I see a world full of opportunity, and if we are just willing to break away from what everyone expects us to be then, we can take our own destiny into our hands. I will defy anyone who tells me I am not good enough or that I cannot make it. I will prove them all wrong.”

This was most certainly the most Kaegan had ever seen the girl speak at one time, and her words, although affected by the bitter cold, were filled with such a fiery passion at the end. It certainly seemed that if anyone tried to stop her from getting what she wanted, she would make sure that they knew they were wrong in the end.     

"Perspective defines you. Where you stand is who you are. We all float around masses of nothing and decide what we see there. Someone decided that people should act like they do, and everyone else gradually grew to float together in a giant cluster. They're attracted to each other, and to be close, they have to share a similar perspective. Their perspective is safe, it's objectively better. But there is a rift between us two. I cannot simply change my world, because I'm part of it. You look into a forest and see the trees burning, and remember that more will grow, but I am the tree."

Kaegen paused to attempt to suppress another cough that threatened to hurt his throat. He wasn't feeling well, as usual. Heavy shadows under his eyes and skin that looked far worse than the average deathly gray of a dhampir gave obvious signs that everything about the little ravenclaw was fading. He was a stark splash of black ink that had been spread for too long and too far, becoming an odd shade of wet grey.

"The seasons don't change. Not really. They're just constant repeats, each with their own brand of pain. Spring brings wet, and storms. Flooding and cold snaps. It brings poison ivy and dangerous plants, summer brings sweltering heat, and swarms of biting flies. Falls brings cold snaps, and hunger. Winter brings ice, and frostbite. It's true I focus more on the pain, and ignore the good, but that's how I stay alive. You can't avoid a threat or overcome it if you don't acknowledge, and prepare. The apple will always be there, but I don't need to prepare for-"

Kaegen paused to cough more, sitting in the cold water had done no favors for his already miserably taxed immune system.

"I guess... I'm happy for you. Your world sounds like a nice place."