A Closed Door PV Kaegen Complete

Hjørdis stared at the boy, sadness surging through her as she observed him. He seemed so broken and she had no idea how or why. She wanted to fix it, fix everything. But she knew that if she rushed this, it would only make matters worse. He was not good with sudden movements - or trust, it seemed. She needed to earn his trust. It would take time. What made everything worse was that he seemed to think everyone was selfish. Her words seemed to confuse him. He could not see what she wanted to gain from her simple sentence.

"From you?" She replied. Hjørdis might have been ambitious and had things in life that she wanted to achieve but none of those were affected by the boy in front of her. He would not be able to exist her in reaching any of those, especially not if he was dead. If she could make him a little less broken then she would have gained a lot. The Head of House leaned down a little, so she was closer to his height, "Kaegen... You probably think you have to do everything yourself, you probably don't trust me or anyone else around here, you probably have gotten hurt more times than you can remember..." She said softly, "But I don't want you to think like that. I want you to know that I am here to help you. If you ever feel pain again, I can heal it. If you want someone to talk to, I can listen. If you need my assistance, I will provide it." Her voice was soft and gentle, just like her movements before. She did not know how much he would listen or understand but she could not just let everything be unsaid.

Hjørdis wanted nothing more than to just hug him and tell him that it would be okay but the issue was, she did not actually know what had happened. "I don't know what caused all of this pain but if you feel like you can tell me then please do..." She continued, gently stroking his head, "I will dedicate my time, power and patience to help you again." Hjørdis carefully chose her final words, picking the same ones that he had mentioned earlier. He had claimed that he had been helped by her at the cost of those three times, which meant that he understood the concept of help and those three things, even though he could not understand the act of a Professor simply doing her job or a person acting selflessly.

He only nodded to her question. Something about her energy seemed lower, or just less excited. Creatures sense anxiety, sadness, anger and fear by unconsciously registering a million tiny telltale signs. Kaegen himself was creature in all but body. Some little monster who had crawled from the fens to scream at the hideous light that only tried to soothe his fear. Or maybe her energy had remained the same. Maybe it was he who had suddenly dropped, started sinking in a sad little pit. And right there next to him in that confused little pit was the professor. Leaning down to someone's height, especially that of a child, is meaningful, it always has been, and always will be. It means you're willing to be with them, to connect with them, even if they're down low, even if they're going through bad times you are down there with them. 


She kept being so odd, so different. Saying that he probably thought he had to do this alone. Well, yes. Of course he had to do everything alone. Everyone did, that was a simple fact of life. Friends eventually left you for themselves, allies only gave if they got, and apples fell down not up. Of course he didn't trust anyone, words were broken constantly, hes didn't always remember that, but it was the truth. Even he was capable of lying. He has practiced in front of the mirror a few weeks ago and was shocked at the newfound ability. And everyone got hurt, he wasn't the only one. Why even point that out? He hated being reminded that he hurt, that he could hurt. What was the point of her even bringing that up? 


Kaegen forgot to breathe entirely when he heard what she told him next. His little hands balled up into fists that tightly trembled in either fear or apprehension, he wasn't sure which. He scarcely noticed. She wasn't offering him a trade deal, she was just offering. Or was she? No, no she was about to ask for something in return. But no such request came. She just asked to know what was wrong, and started stroking his tangled head. It felt nice, to have someone touch him with a hand that healed, to have someone touch him in kindness. When was the last time that had actually happened? Had it ever?  


Blood started to stain his face, running in little red rivulets down to his chin where it quickly dripped down to the stone floor below. She wasn't human, she wasn't a monster or creature. No, she was something else, something he didn't know. But whatever it was was nice, far too nice to reasonably exist, but he didn't care anymore. Didn't care if she was real or not because she felt real right then, and that was enough. Kaegen crammed his bloody face forward into the head of houses perfectly clean shirt, wrapped his arms as far around her as he could reach, and held her with a grip stronger than death. 


It was the desperate kind of grab that drowning victims give to a piece of driftwood, the kind of grip that promises to not ever let go, because doing so spells death. He wanted to tell her what was wrong, but found that it only came out as hoarse sniffles.  

For a woman that had spent the entire time being calm, collect and very much in control of her actions or emotions, Hjørdis was surprised to find the tide had turned. For the first time, she was the one taken back. Her eyes flickered wide for a moment, her breath got caught as she stood frozen to a spot.

She expected a lot of things and was weary of the Ravenclaw in front of her. Mostly, she expected him to lunge at her like a vicious animal. Almost like when you corner a snake and it turned around to strike. She expected to find herself blocking spells or punches - or, perhaps more likely, being bitten by him. Because for some reason, she expected he was more likely to bite her randomly than to successfully cast a spell. She expected him to run away, at any given moment. She expected him to scream. She expected him to cry.

What she did not expect was what actually happened. The very last thing she would have expected happened. Hjørdis found herself blinking as he headbumped her, wrecking her white blouse with his blood tears and gripping her so tightly that it was almost as though he wanted to snap her in half... Hjørdis found herself being... hugged?

There was a sense of desperation within the boy. A need to be comforted. Hjørdis blinked as she stood there for a moment. Carefully, she wrapped her arms around him and gently hugged him back. Her grasp was far more gentle than his. She could hear him sniffling. There was no doubt that her white shirt was no longer white anymore... She had witnessed the blood in his tears before he made his move. Hjørdis made a silent note to stop wearing white in this school. It seemed like a bad idea. She would normally be mad that her clothing was getting ruined. Her appearance, after all, was incredibly important to her. Today, however, it seemed to pale in comparison to whatever this student was going through.

Perhaps it was the fact he was so badly hurt. Perhaps it was the fear she saw in his eyes. Perhaps it was how alone he seemed. She did not know. But something made her sad. Something in his situation seemed so painful and sad that she could not and would not accept it.

Hjørdis said nothing, however. If he was trying to talk, she could not translate his sniffles. But she did not want to force him to talk nor did she feel the need to lie to him. She could have patted his head and told him everything would be okay. But the truth was, she had absolutely no idea what he was going through. He held onto her like he was holding onto dear life itself and there was absolutely nothing she could say to make it better. It would have all been lies. Telling him to 'sshh' or calm down did not help either. She wanted him to cry. Not because she was a horrible person who enjoyed the sight of children crying - though she would absolutely love if she could convince everyone of that. But rather, for the very first time, he seemed to be expressing himself. He seemed to be letting go of whatever pent up emotions he had. He was no longer just bottling everything up and that, was a win.

She stayed there quietly, just hugging him for as long as he needed. After all, she had promised him that she would give him her time and patience to him. So she did just that. She was patient and she fought back the urge to scold him for wrecking her outfit.

"I don't think I can keep winn- no, I mean, I know I can keep winning but what if- no, what I mean..."

Keep winning, keep fighting death, keep escaping monsters and demons and death witches and dark places. Keep winning, keep sanity, keep his mind, keep the black from taking over. Keep away the pain, keep away the cold sickness that hurt his insides so much, that made the tears fall. Keep winning, keep learning and getting stronger, strong enough to have his own name, be his own person. Be Kaegen.

The fact that he might one day fail, that he might one day not win was unacceptable to him, it just couldn't exist. But somewhere he still thought about it. Whenever it came up, whenever the thought that he might die, might lose, even partially crossed his mind he shut it down, ignored it, and let it fester and grow, like so many other things.

He wanted to talk about it, because of course he did. Most people want to talk about their problems, however deep down they suppress that desire. For Kaegen, although he was raised to not even mention such things, he was young, just a little boy from a swamp. There was only so much suppressing that could be done.

He gave up soon, though, sniffling for a bit longer, not releasing his death claw grip in the slightest, even though the blood was beginning to smear all over his face from the now soaked shirt.

"I have this. I'm strong."

A frown crossed her eyebrows as she embraced the young boy, listening to his words. He did not actually explain anything and yet, every word he said caused worry to surge through her body. Whatever he was going through was painful, that was all there was to it. His choice of words were interesting. Hjørdis carefully put her hand on his head and lightly stroked it to try and comfort him a little. She could still hear him crying, the blood tears staining her clothing. But for once, she seemed to not care so much. Her clothing worries paled in comparison to the boy's pain. She would sacrifice a shirt if it helped him feel remotely better, even if only for a few moments.

The Head of Slytherin was a cold, mean and scary lady in the eyes of most people who knew her. But it would seem that the boy who seemed scared of everything was not scared of her. It was kind of nice, actually. She did not push him away or stop his deathgrip on her but rather, patiently allowed him to cry as much as he needed. "Who or what do you need to win against?" Hjørdis asked him after a few moments, deciding to try and make sense of his words. She understood the need to win - though perhaps not his personal need. But what exactly was he fighting? What was he trying to win? She wanted to probe him more, to ask more but she was worried he would flee. 

He told himself he was strong. It made her frown all the more. She had told herself that plenty of times. Usually when she felt anything but strong. Usually, when her heart was breaking, she would try and convince herself that she was strong. Perhaps it worked, perhaps she managed to get strong enough to overcome it. But perhaps she just buried the pain deep within and repressed it. It may have been okay for her to do it but she disliked the fact that this child had to do the same thing. "What if what, Kaegen?" She asked him softly, trying to encourage him to speak to her.

Questions, she was asking questions. He had to answer, it was rude not to. He didn't want to come off as rude, especially not now. He felt so warm, so warm and enveloped and safe and sad that he didn't want to let go, but if he didn't answer her, she would probably make him. So he reached deep into his little, twisted brain to find the emotions, to find where they were coming from. It was like a dam, a huge, broken open door that flooded his mind with a melancholy, screaming blue.

There was a lock, there was supposed to be a lock. Where had the lock gone, how had the door opened? Mind still drenched with sadness, Kaegen slammed the metaphorical doors. No more from him today, no more weakness and crying, no more vulnerability. But as resolute as he tried to be, it didn't much help. Although his raspy sniffles died down, the tears still streamed, and his finger were still as rigid as stone, not having twitched, or budged, or done anything but claw tightly in place the entire time.

"The dark places, the monsters, the death witches, death, the other students and the professors and... I... Everything?"

Maybe it was just everything. But fighting against everything didn't seem like a battle he could win. How had this happened? When had he started to fight against so much? Well, he reasoned. When everything started to fight him. This was just retaliation, a defense. A defense, he reminded himself, that so far, had worked.

"What if I lose, and they kill me and I'm gone and..."

No, no no no he hadn't just said that. The words he had said shouldn't have existed. They should never exist he couldn't lose, it was impossible, inconceivable. He didn't say that, he didn't think that, no one thought that but the foolish, was he a fool, then, to consider his own defeat? Kaegen tried to block out the invading armies of thoughts, choosing instead to find refuge in the warmth of this odd new, grown up ally. It was easier than he thought it would be, to just focus on her warmth, on the pressure of the hug. It was nice to focus on her, instead of himself. She was a lot less scary than his mind was.

"If I die, who's going to be me? I'm the only me I know."

Hjørdis blinked. His words were more confusing than his actions. He claimed that he was in danger from... everything, basically. That they would all hurt him and he needed to win. Other students and professors, included. She pondered for a few moments. Other students could have bullied him or caused him pain. Professors could have appeared scary or put him in a detention. She had no idea why but it was easily possible for other people to have hurt him somehow. Death made perfect sense. Death was a scary concept for many, especially children that might have lost people close to them. It was these dark places, the monsters, the death witches that confused her.

The boy continued to speak of loss, death and being gone. But he stopped as soon as he started, as though this idea was something he was unwilling to speak about. She hated it. His question, she hated. The fact that this child, no older than thirteen, thought about death so much was... cruel, if nothing else. Preteens should be focused on playing in the park or the latest video game or whatever else was currently trending. She was not exactly in touch with what was popular with children today. But apparently, philosophical thoughts of death seemed to the number one topic of the day.

"What if you don't, though? What if they stop fighting you? What if you work together?" Hjørdis said softly, not actually sure what she was saying. She just wanted to open his mind to the idea that perhaps 'everything' is not after him. That at least some things might actually be on his side. She, for one, had no intention of killing him - despite being mentioned in this list of people he could fight and lose to.

Hjørdis paused for a while before continuing, "What about these dark places or death witches, you speak of? Will you tell me more about them?" She asked, wondering where he was scared of going. Was it the dark that he was afraid of or a particular place - like specific rooms in the castle or maybe going home.

What if they work together? As in him, working together with death and blackness and the inky pits that settled into his stomach when he cried? No, that was unacceptable, hey may as well roll over and give up what made him a person, what made him Kaegen Deathmote. He fought back against evil, he pushed against the tide and gravity and the hordes of darkness that tried incessantly to crush him beneath their heel. He had sacrificed so much, he had put so much on the line. Kaegen softly pulled away from the Head of House, and took a step back.

"Not fight? All I am is fight, fight is Kaegen Deathmote, Kaegen is fight. I've fought everything in these walls. I've won, and I refuse to not win. All there is is fighting. If I don't fight then I die.

He wasn't feeling good, something about considering loss, considering a failure of the goals he held so firmly fixed in his vision. No, this wouldn't do at all. It hurt too much, it felt like a thin spear being rammed through his chest. He had to believe he would win, or he wouldn't. Or he would just falter, collapse in a little heap. He was young, a little boy. This was too much, his world was too harsh for him to not hide in denial, cower behind forced ignorance, using it as a shield. Friends had hurt him so he didn't have any more. Thinking about how he might die hurt him deep inside, made him feel weak. So he didn't anymore.

She asked him about the dark places, about the death witches. She had helped him, so he was going to answer, but then he was going to leave. Anything else would be pushing his luck, and he was leery of that comment she had made about not fighting. If you didn't fight why would they suddenly stop as well? It didn't make enough sense for him to consider it too thoroughly.

"Death witches? But... you let them in. You. The professors. The witches, the ones pretending to be students. The ones that try to kill you, hurt you, steal what you own and test you. That's what this whole school is. It's you professors testing us, giving us tools and then laughing as we try to use them before it's too late."

Kaegen drew a line across his throat, to indicate death, but it was quick. Not a slow theatrical line, but rather a swift gesture performed by someone who was very much nervous about the situation. He didn't want to bring it up by saying the word, but just using his hands seemed so much less personal.

"I've tried to stay ahead of them for years. They're everywhere. How do you not know? Are you... lying? Why?"

Kaegen took another step back, and then another. Moving towards the exit, moving to leave.

"I'm sorry. And thank you."

Turning away, he quickly walked away. He still thought that the professor was helpful, she fixed his body, after all. But he wasn't feeling comfortable. He didn't know her well enough to warrant telling her everything, not right away. He would find her later, when he was feeling better.

Hjørdis blinked a little, absorbing his words. She let him move away freely, not trying to stop him. He seemed dedicated on fighting. His words instantly made her think of one thing: detention. But a part of her felt like that would not help anything. For whatever reason, he had opened up a little today from the looks of it. He had done something she definitely did not expect when she stopped him from leaving. Instead of hurting her, which she was prepared for, he had hugged her. For a child who claimed that all he did was fight, he did anything but that today.

He spoke about the death witches, that he claimed the professors let in. Hjørdis had absolutely no idea what he was talking about - despite the accusation that she had been lying. She was still relatively new to the school. In fact, she did not even graduate from here. The witches were apparently students that tested him... From what she could gather, they were just other students. Perhaps students that were bullying him. Perhaps that masked boy she had heard being mentioned after she joined. Maybe he thought that the professors allowed the masked boy to do this...

She said nothing, however. She had been honest about everything she was going to do. Not once had she lied. He would have to see that for himself. Hjørdis would simply have to work out what was happening to him on her own, it seemed. She nodded as he thanked her - and apologised, "You are very welcome, Kaegen." She replied, hoping that if he ever needed her assistance again, he would seek her out. She did not understand but she could do her best to help him. That was all she could do at this point. Before he left, she said one thing.

"Kaegen... You didn't fight today... And you're walking out alive." Hjørdis said softly, trying to make him realise that it did not always lead to death. Maybe, just maybe, somethings not fighting can be good for you. It can heal you, it can help you. 

Where were his parents? This situation seemed incredibly messed up. Giving him a detention for constantly fighting would change absolutely nothing. She had to change his mindset. How she would do that was absolutely beyond her. It was probably best to figure out exactly what he had been going through whilst he was here... Why he was terrified that everyone would hurt him? That everyone wanted to fight.

Hjørdis let him go. Once he had left, she sighed softly, rubbing her temples as a headache had started to develop during their conversation. What in Merlin's name was even going on in this school? Grabbing her things, she recomposed herself and quickly headed out to get started. She had a lot to do, it would seem. Who knew how many more students felt this way. But she knew one thing, she would have to commit his name to memory and figure out what was wrong with him... More importantly, she had to figure out how to stop all of this and how to help him.

FINISHED.