I've Become So Numb I Can't Feel You There Solo closed

I walked over to the Owlery, carrying a feeling, that same strange mixture of both the dread of getting a letter and the happiness and joy of finding out what has been going on at home.
I couldn't categorize my feelings like other people.
Mine were complex, always shifting, always different.
Like a whisper in the night. It was there until it wasn't.
Too slippery to grasp, too hard to undo.
I continued at my leisurely pace, not in any rush to see what letter awaited me. Whatever it was, it could wait a bit longer.
If only I knew what was to happen.
That this was no ordinary letter.
That there would be pain within its folds.

Pain, anger, fear, grief. But I didn't. And that would be my undoing. The thing to break the proverbial camel's back.
I walked into the familiar place, the smell of fresh hay and faint owl droppings making me curve my lips up into a half smile.
After this message though, I wouldn't be smiling anymore.
It would be the last true smile to grace my lips for many suns, many moons to come.
I went over to the owl that always brought my letters. The owl looked at me in pity. I studied it curiously. It had the bowed back and air of one who is holding a great burden. A burden I would soon share. I was feeling sympathetic.

I scratched it gently on its head before I looked at its package. The letter itself was nondescript. It looked like any ordinary letter. I turned it over, grabbing my pocketknife and snapping the black wax in half before opening it to see my father's handwriting.
For the first time in my life, it looked shaky.
I started to read, my heart sinking with every word.

𝘔𝘺 𝘋𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘋𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘦𝘳, 𝘐 𝘧𝘦𝘢𝘳 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘣𝘺 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘭𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳 𝘪𝘯 𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘭, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘸𝘪𝘭𝘭 𝘣𝘦 𝘶𝘯𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘳𝘦𝘱𝘭𝘺. 𝘐 𝘣𝘳𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘰 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘴𝘢𝘥 𝘯𝘦𝘸𝘴 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘮𝘦𝘭𝘢𝘯𝘤𝘩𝘰𝘭𝘺 𝘥𝘢𝘺. 𝘐𝘵 𝘪𝘴 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘢𝘵 𝘨𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘐 𝘵𝘦𝘭𝘭 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘮𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳...

Here he paused, and to my shock, there were teardrops on the parchment.

𝘐𝘴 𝘥𝘦𝘢𝘥. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘩𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘤𝘤𝘪𝘥𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘦𝘴𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘢 𝘱𝘰𝘪𝘴𝘰𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘥𝘢𝘪𝘭𝘺 𝘷𝘪𝘵𝘢𝘮𝘪𝘯 𝘢𝘨𝘢𝘪𝘯𝘴𝘵 𝘪𝘯𝘧𝘭𝘶𝘦𝘯𝘻𝘢.𝘛𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘯𝘰𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘸𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘥𝘰. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘥𝘪𝘦𝘥 𝘱𝘦𝘢𝘤𝘦𝘧𝘶𝘭𝘭𝘺 𝘩𝘰𝘸𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘳. 𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘸𝘢𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘭 𝘸𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘭𝘥 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘩𝘰𝘱𝘦𝘥 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘮𝘰𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘪𝘮𝘦. 𝘐 𝘢𝘴𝘬 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘱𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘴𝘦 𝘢𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘧𝘶𝘯𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘭. 𝘐 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸 𝘵𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘵𝘩𝘦 2 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘥𝘪𝘥 𝘯𝘰𝘵 𝘩𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘴𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘳𝘦𝘭𝘢𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴𝘩𝘪𝘱𝘴 𝘣𝘶𝘵 𝘐 𝘣𝘦𝘨 𝘰𝘧 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘵𝘰 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘩𝘦𝘳. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘢𝘭𝘸𝘢𝘺𝘴 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘥 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨𝘪𝘯𝘨.
𝘚𝘵𝘢𝘺 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘮𝘺 𝘥𝘢𝘶𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘦𝘳. 𝘚𝘵𝘢𝘺 𝘴𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘯𝘨.
𝘠𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘍𝘢𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘳.

Grief didn't come like a storm on the high seas. It didn’t crash against my frame and rattle me to my bones. It couldn’t even give me the feeling of it. It was quieter than that. It settled in like dust on old furniture—silent, weightless, but impossible to ignore. Impossible to believe, yet when you looked at it, there it was. Just sitting there.

I didn’t cry, but I wanted to. I didn't scream, but I needed to. Instead, something inside me just... folded in on itself. Like a hand slowly closing into a fist, not in rage, but in retreat. In retreat of something dark, cold.
I could feel the world moving around me- owls flying, hooting, existing—but I was somewhere behind it all, watching it all without truly being part of it. Without realizing that the world hadn’t stopped. It was just me. It was just my world that had fallen apart at the seams, like a bag filled with too much weight, splitting open and spilling everything I thought I could hold.

The air felt heavy, like it had somehow thickened and become almost hostile. I tried to draw it in, but all I could manage was choking myself on its cold form, its thick figure watching me. With pity? I didn’t know. I didn’t feel anything. I didn’t feel like there was anything of me to give anymore. To give to pity, to grief, to anger.

And for the first time in my life, the voice wasn’t there. It didn’t whisper, it didn’t taunt. It just... left.

I slid against the wall, my face already wet with tears I didn't even know I was letting loose. I curled my arms around my legs, holding myself tight as I placed my headphones on and drowned in music. I let loose the torrent of tears.
I sang quietly in my sadness, my tears worst then ever.


"I've seen dark before
But not like this
This is cold
This is empty
This is numb
The life I knew is over
The lights are out
Hello, darkness
I'm ready to succumb"

I cried harder. I didn't think that the light would ever find me again.