Reopened The Castle Crumbles PV Elsi

It was all rather complicated, that feeling, the want to do something so completely it consumes your every waking thought and yet, fail so miserably in doing so. Not for lack of want or supplies or even time, because everything you ever need could be right at your fingertips, no-

The problem was more simple. More complicated.

Failure because, simply, you could not…it was a strange sensation. One could have an entire world of words swimming around in their heads just waiting to bloom on paper yet the moment you went to try? Nothing.

There was nothing.

Only a blank paper with lines and no words.

Of course…the words weren’t gone, though sometimes you’d maybe wish they were. It could, perhaps, be considered a kinder fate if that were the case, failure from having nothing at all because then, eventually, it would simply be a case of needing to find new ones wouldn’t it? New words. New worlds. New worries. But there they were, perfectly inconspicuous and blooming between your ribs with ideas like weeds, tucked behind teeth and heavy on the tongue like a stone until all the words were lodged in your throat.

They would grow, those weeds, and all the while your fingers would twitch, your throat itch and the world swim as you stared down that blank paper. After all, what kind of weed didn’t flourish if left to fester?

…

It’s a bad feeling. Being trapped in your own blank page.

It’s hard to move past something that never ended, to find something that never actually left, or to end what you can’t even start. Wasn’t that such an odd state of being?

For Elsian…all he knew was that the feeling crawling under his skin and the aching want rotting somewhere deep in his chest was a complicated thing. An odd and uncomfortable and very complicated feeling he couldn’t hope to understand.



…



…


Waking up was a strange sensation, like he was forgetting something.


He sighed, green eyes fluttering open slowly, dazed maybe, against the sudden daylight even as his heart raced with something he couldn’t place. Had he…fallen asleep?

The sleepy Gryffindor blinked again, more slow, more…aware as groggy confusion and dreamy feelings quickly faded into a distant awareness. It was quiet, the type of quiet that was supposed to be comforting but wasn’t, yet despite that, he must’ve fallen asleep. But…today was…the day Dorion and him were supposed to finally hang out. To chat, to listen to the radio while watching the clouds, or simply bask in the other company for a refreshingly slow change of pace for a few minutes, he wasn’t- they were supposed to…

Gods, he couldn’t think. When was the last time he’d been able to sleep through the night? How long since he’d been able to sleep for longer than a few short hours broken by anxiety and looming deadlines? It felt like an eternity but he didn’t actually know. Couldn’t quite recall.

The days all just…bled together.

But…they were supposed to- and he’d worked so hard to snatch this small bit of time together and he- And he just… Fuck. Wasted. Wasted time on something that, for once, should have been the least of his worries. Last week, yesterday, even today it hadn’t been a problem for once, he’d been…doing good, in a way with that at least so why today? Why today of all days?

Elsian closed his eyes tight, willing away the sudden swooping dread filling his gut.

…

Breathe.

Just breathe.

It…didn’t matter. There was still time. They had time.

Taking a shuddery breath he opened his eyes for the final time, letting any hope of quiet peace and sleep fade away into something more distant and foreign. Something soft was under his head, grown cold in the November air like the slightly flushed skin of his face and ears, his fingers were cold too, gloves forgotten in a childish bid to hold Doris hand and sap away all that warmth in their fingers for his own before he’d backed out. Like a coward. It hadn’t… felt right. Too stiff, too warm, overwhelming. Not after their fight since he’d…well, it didn’t matter. Either way, cold fingers for him.

Elsi curled his fingers at the thought as he looked at the sky briefly.

Hah; the weather was horrible. Gray skies or sunny, neither would change that. It was too cold, his fingers were still cold, but that wasn’t surprising. Dorion wasn’t here after all.

“Morning sleepy head.”

He tilted his head, cold fabric rubbing against his cheek as tired green eyes took in their face. Sweeping over their lips, nose, the small, pretty flush of cold weather on their cheeks and ears. Briefly lingering on their eyes, there and gone, and falling to their hands, the grass, the way the fabric of their clothing creased as they scooted closer to sit next to him as warm, fond affection warred with that new found stiff…unease between them.

They’d been over there, somewhere else far away in their own head.

“Good morning,” he mumbled, tired as his gaze slowly locked onto the work they’d begun to pack away. It made a hopeful little flicker in his chest, seeing it so clearly being put aside. Enough to have him feeling a bit more eager in sitting up, watching the way the light flickered against their face between the shade of branches and clouds as that lingering dread seemed to lighten the smallest bit. Maybe they weren’t upset he’d fallen asleep for…

…how long had he been napping?

“How long was I…” he trailed off, bravely fighting off a yawn. Maybe he’d only been asleep for a little bit, or maybe they were fine skipping an hour or two of studying? They certainly were doing well enough to afford a day off; either way, it didn’t matter. He could make up for the lost time.

“I figured you wouldn’t want me to wake you up to go to the library… so… I just got a head start on my stuff.” Dorion said, but the words felt tense somehow and suddenly he wasn’t so sure they weren’t upset.

“Sorry,” he rasped, a little embarrassed as he picked up the sweatshirt that’d been his pillow. Fondness swelled in his chest at the funny image of Creampuff having basically pulled an Indiana Jones on him but also made the guilt all the more deep.

“Hey, maybe we could-”

“But we’re only running half an hour behind when we said we’d go.”

They spoke at the same time. Yet, for how quiet and short lived his words had been, the Gryffindor might as well have never spoken at all. Not so brave or daring these days it seemed.

“Hah…” He breathed, under his breath and tense with the motion because it made sense in a disappointingly obvious sort of way. Last week, yesterday…even today. All of it was just- everything was so busy now; there was homework to be done before dinner, extra studying, sports, practice, talking to friends and strangers and anyone if it meant keeping busy.

But it made sense.

Besides, Dorion was more like an elusive white rabbit these days.

“Ah…only half an hour late, huh…” It felt like something died a little inside when he looked back up towards them only to see their back, already packing up their things with simple, brisk ease to leave. To go, right away the moment he’d woken up already late apparently and suddenly Elsian felt so very stupid for even thinking that they’d want to-

“You should’ve just woken me up,” he breathed flatly.

Silence.

Just silence in the small moment he quietly said those words and in a way it was funny, because you’d think such a sentence couldn’t have been possible for him! But it wasn’t funny. Oh, it certainly felt like a bad joke though. It stretched between the two of them, for 1 second, 2, no longer than maybe 5 but it may as well have been an eternity with how it had him gritting his teeth.

“I mean, really?” He rasped, somehow sounding both irritated and…distant. Like he wasn’t quite there; he didn’t feel quite there. “Were you just…just studying this whole time again?”

Did… they just not care?

No. They did care, Dorion always cared, Elsian would dare to say they perhaps cared too much. About strangers, friends, it didn’t matter; they cared. But then-

‘Why didn’t you wake me up?’ His traitorous mind thought. Why today of all days…and it was that thought that had him finally looking up, studying them quietly because Dorion smiled, but it was fake.

Fake and shaky and so tense it looked brittle enough to snap like the same ice in their eyes. Everything had been off for awhile, stiff and awkward like two strangers trying to play pretend in front of an audience but he’d never actually pretended it was okay. Were they angry he didn’t try to smile the same way they did? Did they still think he was strange for avoiding their eyes? Ah, had it annoyed them? Made Dorion uncomfortable with that space? But that's what they’d wanted wasn’t it, time to work and patrol and study, to talk with strangers and other friends, to be successful.

“Seriously, when has what I want ever stopped you from waking me up to work?” Still silent. Or maybe it was because he spoke too fast but it didn’t matter. Some part of him might’ve regretted the words later, already knowing what he said wasn’t entirely true but that time wasn’t now.

They’d gotten too comfortable pretending, Dorion maybe too good at it, too nice to say anything, too nice to not smile, too nice, too much, too good at pretending to be perfectly content but Elsian had never liked pretending. Nor had he ever been good at it.

Had it been a relief? Being allowed to get those extra minutes studying in rather than having to deal with him?

No. He shook away the thoughts as stupid as silly-

But it made sense.

It was suddenly a lot harder to swallow back the hurt and for a moment he could feel his pursed lips wobble in something like anger. A frail, wounded anger but anger all the same and maybe it was that very fact that made it all the more dangerous with its quiet bitterness. Elsi looked away, glaring at something or maybe nothing, it didn’t really matter. All that mattered was the way his eyes burned at the thoughts circling his head like sharks and the bitter want in his chest that was slowly twisting into something sharp and ugly and very angry.

And he was angry.

At falling asleep, at feeling this way, but most of all in that moment?

He was angry at Dorion.

Was his company that bad that studying was the better option? They just rather him…be quiet and out of the way to do more work? God, and it made sense didn’t it? After all Elsian was just- no. He bit the inside of his cheek hard, hard enough for the barest hint of iron on his tongue as he rubbed a hand down his face.


… ‘Gods, what a joke.’ He scoffed, a small smile curling at the corner of his lips but it was a bit too tight, too cold to be anything but bitter. His eyes burned. But that fact wouldn’t really matter, would it.

“No, I... shouldn’t be surprised,” he laughed, a sharp mean thing, there and gone as fast as it arrived, “all you ever wanna do is work, you're so...busy.”

Elsian didn’t mean that.

He stood up abruptly, holding out the sweatshirt to Dorion with a gesture that was more of a demand than an offer. “Here,” because they had to go after all and Elsian couldn’t bring himself to care about fighting this if he was honest. It felt like something in his chest had caved in. A deep, hollow ache resting right between his lungs. All he wanted to do was cry. “Yo- we...better hurry, since I already wasted enough of your time.”

He didn’t mean that.

“...but next time-” His hands dropped like the clothing was on fire the moment Dorion took it.


He really didn’t.

“-maybe…no, let's just not bother meeting up.”

He was a liar

“You’re too busy to waste time on stupid crap like this.”

He meant every word.