Why Were You Not Expelled? PV Kaegen Deathmote

Lamik took another cautionary step forward, trying to comprehend what was being said. Kaegen obviously expected Lamik to return a favor- he said as much. The issue was that Lamik wasn't sure if he would be able to come through with whatever favor Kaegen would ask for. Not if it hurt someone. Not if it killed someone. Still, it was better not to anger the ravenclaw, and so he nodded. "Alright. That sounds fair. A favor for a favor- an eye for an eye." The figure of speech didn't seem especially fitting, but nothing could really be done about that.

Then there was the other thing that Kaegen said, about Lamik seeming useless. He wasn't entirely sure what it meant, but it reminded him of the first time the two had seen each other. Kaegen had said something about them all being nameless, and when asked what his name was, he had responded quite strangely. "Kaegen Deathmote, Fens-Born Scarf-Wielder, he who was called fat tadpole as a babe, suicidal idjit as a toddler and he who earned the name Eeh before arriving at Hogwarts. He who lost two and kept one. He whose names are given authority by Grandfather, whose names were given authority by the conqueror of the 14th dark place." The words came out of Lamiks mouth. It was a rediculously long phrase, one that he hadn't even know that he knew by heart, but one that he did nonetheless thanks to it's haunting of his dreams the weeks following the bombing. "What does that mean?"

Kaegen chose to point the way by brandishing his large umbrella, rather than walking in front of the boy. Ever cautious, ever wary. Even among those he perceived to be too weak to worry about.

"It meant everything. Now it means nothing. That is a true name, a name worn by something that is someone. A shining comet of promise in a dark sky of black stars. It means I used to be that comet and I will be that comet once more. True failure weighs you down like chains fused to bone. Dark places made solid."

It was all words that he had heard long ago, words gleaned from grandfather, words that were drilled into his mind. That was what he knew, that was what he was told. He didn't know much else about his names, although he surmised a great deal. His mind was kept busy by other things, how to survive, how to get food safely, how to hate. Too many things that required far too much thought to leave room for questioning vague ideas he thought to be facts. After all, they had been practically beaten into him since a very, very young age. They were who he was.

"Oh." Lamik said softly, as if satisfied by the vague, cryptic answer that he was given. He hadn't really expected Kaegen to spill his whole life story, but he hadn't expected even more nonsense either. "Um..." Lamik racked his brain for something to say. Though it was somewhat Naive, the Gryffindor refused to believe that there were people who didn't want friends, so even though he didn't exactly hope to be Kaegens friend, he hoped to get him to open up a bit. "About your grandfather- it sounded like you live with him. Why not your parents? Where are they?"

Once Lamik realized that Kaegen wasn't going to lead the way, but instead point it out from behind, he began walking. With a shaky breath, the boy reasoned that there was no point in Kaegen telling him what way he should go if the point was simply to hurt him. Once again Lamik begged quietly that everything continues as smoothly and calmly as possible, and that the two kids would part ways and never ever have to see each other again. While the first hope was somewhat possible, the latter was not. As big as Hogwarts was, Lamik highly doubted that he would manage to avoid Kaegen for all those years.

"Better things to do than bother with me. I'm old enough to fend for myself, as are you."

Of course, it wasn't true in the slightest, but saying it made kaegen feel he believed it, made him feel like it was justified for him to not have parents present in his life. Of course he didn't have any, he didn't need any. It bothered him how many of the other students had loving families that wrote letters to them, that genuinely seemed cared about them, but he didn't want to feel bothered, he hated what envy felt like, although he didn't exactly know what it was.

Two full years at hogwarts and he still didn't know much at all. Two full years and he was still oblivious to so much. People seldom talked to him, or even made eye contact. After all, why would they? Kaegen was alien, utterly different. Bizarre and terrifying and dangerous. Even this boy, who he guided along ahead of him, clearly felt fear.

"Parents are only useful if you can't protect yourself. I can, so why would I care where they are?"

The air was dark enough that it was relatively simple for Kaegen to squint away the beginnings of a tear. He was happy he was behind the boy, and that his voice hadn't changed hardly at all.

Lamik thought for a few moments. "I mean..." He started, his voice trailing off before he continued the sentence. "So can I. I can take care of myself, but parents are good for other things too. They hug you when you're sad, play with you when you're happy, and give you advice when you're trying to solve a difficult problem." Lamik genuinely believed that he could take care of himself. He had survived Kaegen, after all. This Independence didn't make him appreciate his parents any less though, and he couldn't even begin to count how many time they had gotten him through difficult times.

A pang of sadness came over Lamik as he realized that the complete insanity that resides in Kaegens mind might not entirely exist of of evil. What if some small part of the Ravenclaw simply wanted attention- any attention? Maybe he thought that the hatred, fear, and pain that he created could somehow replace the love and fulfilment that a child should feel daily. Lamik shuddered internally as a realization came over him- one that both gave him hope and anguish. Maybe, just maybe, there existed the possibility of Kaegen changing and redeeming himself. Maybe he could be a good person.

"I don't need help. I'm breathing, thinking, walking all on my own. I don't need hugs or love or support because I have myself, and I am strong, stronger than you, than all of you. If someone helps you, then they rob you of that chance to learn and grow. Why would you allow that to happen, why would you grow weaker intentionally?"

They were nearing the exit, and Kaegen was drowning himself out with bravado. He didn't really understand that he was doing it, but that didn't matter much. The only thing that mattered was that he was starting to feel sad, he was starting to miss the steady pressure of a hug, the reassuring presence of someone who cared. He hated the sad feeling, hated the cold it brought with it, and so before he even realized he was feeling it, his brain kicked it, and locked that feeling away.

Not even a shiver ran down the ravenclaw's spine as he kept forging ahead, guiding the gryffindor from the rear. He felt almost confused as to what was going on, as to why the other boy would prefer having a parent over having none. Would that not stop him from growing in strength and skill?

Lamik couldn't help but feel a bit of pity for Kaegen mixed in with all of the fear and anger. The boy just seemed so... Wrong. How could anyone believe that families do something other then help a person grow? It was a rediculous notion in Lamiks head- one that he would not let go of so easily. "You don't grow weaker with families. You grow stronger. You learn about people and you learn about yourself. With a family that loves you and cares for you, everything that you couldn't do before becomes much easier. Do you really not want that?"

As Lamik spoke he realized how difficult it was for him to put into words exactly what his family gives him. They cared for him when he was sad or hurt, sure, but there were other things; things that he didn't know the names of; things that might not even have names. How could he possibly hope to explain something to Kaegen if he wasn't able to explain it to himself? The possibility of knowing something yet not being able to explain it seemed rediculous to Lamik, especially if it was on regards to something as simple and basic as what families give you.

"Look at us, look at the difference. I am feared, people think of me as something beyond human. I'm a monster, a creature, a force inside this festering castle. I am strong, I have a name. They shake in my presence. Can you say the same? Can you objectively place yourself higher than any of your fellows? You're just another face, another nameless candidate in this tangled game. And yet you have a family, and I don't. Logic is on my side, gryffindor."

Kaegen stopped, and pointed up a flight of stairs.

"Can you find your way from here, or are you still lost"

Kaegen took a small step back, just enough to be out of easy grabbing range in case the other boy lost his temper. He had to be careful, you never knew when someone was going to snap, and go insane. He wasn't going to get hit, not if he could help it, at least. He became suddenly aware of how irresponsibly he had been acting a second later. He hadn't been entirely focused around a stranger, how had that even happened?

What had his brain been doing, if it hadn't been focusing on trying to stay alive. What else was there? He wasn't feeling sad, or mad. So why, then?

When Kaegen finished speaking, Lamik couldn't help but smile. Of course, the boy was still terrified- but Kaegens cruel, determined rantings had reminded him of something: "But look at you. Said the prince, sadly. You may be strong, but you are feared. You may be big, but your soul is ugly. You may be powerful, but your end will still come- and when it does, you will be sad. Sad, scared, and alone." Lamik stopped reciting and turned to face Kaegen. "My dad used to read me that story every night. Its named "The Castle Walls". I think you would like it."

The smile on Lamiks face now was a bit wider. Without another word, he sprinted up the stairs and out of the Dungeons. As soon as the sunlight hit his face, the unnatural feeling of dread and fear passed. The sudden peace and comfort- that was worse then anything that had happened in the last few minutes. The boy ran outside as fast as he could and collapsed onto the grass, curling up into a ball of sobs and silent calls for his parents. Hopefully, he was far enough away from the castle to not be seen. Hopefully, this would never happen again. Hopefully, Kaegen would just disappear.

Lamik has left the thread.

Kaegen stood stunned and bewildered. By the time he was in command of himself well enough to react, Lamik was far and gone. Which was perhaps a blessing, because Kaegen's reaction consisted of a rapid change in countenance. His eyes shot pitch black, dark as a soulless abyss, and twice as hateful. His lips curled back, revealing bloodied fangs as clawed, spidery fingers, taught with wiry muscles developed over years of climbing shot forward, only to falter partway. There was no target, no one to rip to shreds. His tight muscles fell limp, and the black faded from his eyes once more.

No, no he wasn't going to think about that. He wasn't going to end up alone, his soul was bright, it was alive. Kaegen was strong because he was strong, and it was good that he was feared. He stared at the stone wall to his right, considering a hefty punch to let off some of the frustration that had built up within him so quickly, but thought better of it.

Instead he turned around, and headed back into the dungeon, back where none would bother him, or talk to him, or make him think things that brought on tears and pain.

He would be alone.