Queer Queries pv dori

Mahlioz reddened when they recognized her - dang it, they knew her name, now she felt even worse for not remembering theirs. But at least she wasn't bothering them, and they were really nice. They clearly knew who they were and were proud of it. Will I have that someday? They seemed happy to hear her questions, not judgemental in the least - thank the stars. Mahlioz was already nervous enough, half planning to run away right now so they wouldn't have to deal with their problems.

But they were here, and the older year was reassuring, and they wanted answers for gods' sake. They took a couple breaths, trying to reorganize their thoughts and questions in a way that wouldn't make them absolute gibberish. "Okay. Well. Um." Great start. "I've been, uh, doing some research. About gender. And there's, like, a lot of them out there, right? I don't know if you've, uh, been on the muggle internet before, but. It seems like there's every gender possible listed somewhere on there."

A breath in, a breath out. Was talking to people supposed to be this hard? "It's very... overwhelming. I mean, I find stuff that fits a little, and some stuff that should fit but that doesn't really, and... well, I guess my question is how do you choose? No, wait, wrong wording. I know you don't choose your gender, but like, you choose your labels, right?" Oh gods, she wasn't even sure where she was going with this anymore. Time felt like it was speeding up, she couldn't think, her face was getting hotter by the second. Pause. Just wait. You can do this, come on.

They cleared their throat. "How do you decide exactly what to pick? It's already hard enough to find a word that fits, but like... if it's something really obscure, no one will know it, and then what's the point? But at the same time, choosing something too broad is vague and not, like..." Not perfect, like they always wanted everything to be. "I don't know. I'm sorry, I'm not making very much sense. I'm very confused." You said that already. She stuffed her hands in her pocket in order not to fidget from nervousness.

She had no idea whether this prefect would know how she was feeling at all. They were nonbinary, but did they have more obscure microlabels or were they just content with that? Microlabels were cool, honestly - she loved learning about them and admiring the pretty flags, but. Were they worth anything? No one else knew them, no one else cared. If she chose a microlabel, it would never be recognized. She would never have anyone to bond with over her specific type of queer. Yet it seemed like only they could really get into the intricacies of how she felt.

Gods, they hoped they weren't scaring away the older year. Maybe they were reading into it all too much. "Also, how the heck are you supposed to come out? Especially if you're not changing your pronouns. Do you even come out then? Are there rules?" She hoped there were rules. Rules made things make a little more sense.

The older student was gently moving the two of them off to the side of the busy corridors towards a bench, which Mahlioz would have been grateful for if she had at all been paying attention to anything other than her words. But when they stopped talking, finally letting the other get a few words in (which was the whole reason they had come to ask for help in the first place), it seemed they weren't the only one with a lot of feelings and a lot to say on the subject.

The prefect began by reassuring her that she wasn't as confused as she thought she was, which in and of itself was confusing enough, but also that it was normal to feel overwhelmed or to cry. Mahlioz let out a half laugh at their hair-shaving story. "I mean, to be fair, it looks really good now." Had they cried about their gender yet? They couldn't even be sure. They had certainly cried a lot in the past year, sometimes while thinking about gender, but it was often a big jumble of everything wrong instead of just one thing. They weren't even sure they felt dysphoria or anything like that. Did they deserve to feel this way about gender if they didn't even feel dysphoria?

As the older year continued to speak, Mahlioz listened as attentively as she could, nodding at everything that made sense (which, surprisingly, was actually quite a bit). And she finally managed to catch their name, Dori - oh thank the gods, they could now pretend they knew all along. But the two students differed in the perfection sense. Mahlioz couldn't really understand how they were comfortable going with a term that they weren't even sure fit them completely. It was true, though - it was hard finding a term that felt exactly perfect. At first agender had felt right, but it wasn't that, not exactly - there was some gender there, just not very much, and even then it was more complicated.

Then Dori said something that hit Mahlioz like a train. Understanding myself is more important than people understanding a definition about me. They had learned this lesson before, hadn't they? Last year, at the very beginning, with the whole pronouns thing with Pax. They had forgotten. She laughed at Dori's "how could I make people double-take and reassess what they perceived me to be" because wasn't that the dream, but she understood what they were saying. This whole thing wasn't for other people. It was never for other people, it was to understand herself. They didn't need pins or flags or even terms to be content with themselves. They just wanted to know who they were. And if that was to be with really specific microlabels or with no label at all, so be it. She didn't need anyone's approval but her own.

The slightly more disappointing news was that there were no rules for coming out. She had kind of expected that, but it did make things a bit harder. Though it was nice to know Dori's parents had been so accepting - Mahlioz had no idea what her parents would do. They had been accepting of Reltyl, right? But she didn't want them to think she was copying her sibling or in a phase or something. Ach, just the thought of coming out was terrifying.

Mahlioz continued to listen intently, just catching Dori's full name - Dorion Anderson, right, they would remember that from now on. "But, like - I don't have to change my name, right?" They rather liked their name - it wasn't even all that fem to begin with. "Wait. You don't have to come out if you don't want to?" In retrospect, that made a lot of sense, but Mahlioz had been trying her best to speed up the whole figuring out of her gender just so that it wouldn't be awkward for anyone else trying to refer to her.

Look at that, she was yet again seeing her journey in terms of other people. She was kind of worried now that she had been lying to herself all along. Did she really like her name, or did she want to keep it out of ease for those who knew her? Did she even like she as a pronoun? No, that was silly, of course she did. But now they were questioning everything.

The third year nodded slowly one last time. "No, it was definitely helpful. I'm not sure if I have any less questions than before, but like... honestly, I think you answered some I didn't even realize I had. Thank you." They took a breath, trying to register everything. "Do you mind if I ask a more personal question? You don't have to answer if you don't want to. But uhm. When you were little, did you feel different from the other kids? Like, not... whatever your agab was? Because when I was younger I was kind of proud of being a girl, you know? And I'm worried, that... maybe, like, it is just a phase for me. My sibling never wanted to be a boy, ever since they were tiny - they're enby too - but I'm worried that I might be faking it or something. I didn't always dislike being called a girl. I've heard so many trans people say - y'know, like, that they've always known, but I really didn't. Is that... okay?"

Oh gods, they hoped Dori was okay with them asking even more questions after the older year's very extensive reply. "Sorry. But thank you. Seriously. I... understand a lot more now. I don't think I know exactly what I am yet but I'm definitely closer to it." To feeling better in her skin. "Thank you."