26 Jan 2025, 00:09
The Drop that Wrestles in the Sea
February 15th, 2025; 09:15
Island of Crete, Greece
The Moon is distant from the Sea
By Emily Dickinson
The Moon is distant from the Sea –
And yet, with Amber Hands –
She leads Him – docile as a Boy –
Along appointed Sands –
He never misses a Degree –
Obedient to Her eye –
He comes just so far – toward the Town –
Just so far – goes away –
Oh, Signor, Thine, the Amber Hand –
And mine – the distant Sea –
Obedient to the least command
Thine eye impose on me –
──────── ☽•☾ ────────
While Valentin spent the most important parts of winter break together with Nikolai at their home in Kazan, tension still clung to air from an anticipated curse and unresolved issues following their hellish October. Fighting the urge to stay by Nikolai’s side constantly and harry him with paranoid glances, Val tried very hard to give his blood brother space. Leaving for Sweden to attend Kolbeck’s party on Christmas Eve, for a trip to Greece to visit Eugenia on the 29th, for a mission in Germany to settle issues with the manor from the 30th to the 31st, and for two trips to the UK on the 23rd of December and January 4th, Valentin tried to keep himself from smothering Nikolai through arranging a demanding travel schedule. He knew that if he was sitting still for too long, he would not only drive himself crazier, but also surely find an excuse for why he should have been accompanying the Russian after all. Valya had hoped all this time abroad would help alleviate feelings of damaged trust and the sense of being constantly watched, but once they were back at school Val only found that their core issues remained unresolved.
The semester was busy of course, and the captain was still readjusting after a period of burn out following post-October make-up work. Yet, although January felt more occupied with work than ever, nothing felt quite the same after what happened with Nikolai. It was like Valentin was born again with different eyes and could never see even the most basic things the same way again. He was not entirely sure he was even the same person after coming out of his second coma. Priorities didn’t stack like they used to, and nothing could seem to escape strategic thinking for long anymore. He couldn’t remember the last time he tried to simply have fun, other than in that ill-fated attempt to get to Cornwall… but the train wreck was all for the best, he decided in retrospect. No one had been seriously injured and that was a trip he’d originally wanted to give to Nikolai anyway. It wouldn’t feel right to have gone with someone else – under the influence of amortentia or not. The loss of his broom, Charles’s bag, and more minor possessions were nothing compared to the answer he obtained for himself that day, so Val considered himself lucky.
After talking with Eugenia, Valentin decided that Tinworth was not really the beachside town he wanted to take Nikolai to anyway. What he wanted was a warm, safe place where Nikolai could find peace far from what hurt him – wherever was the most conducive to healing from the past and finding himself again. No, let it be Crete instead, the birthplace of Zeus and where corrupt king Minos’s minotaur labyrinth was finally overcome. There was no shortage of natural wonders to explore: lagoons and beaches with crystal-clear waters, sacred caves, gorges, palm forests, and legendary Mount Ida. Little outposts of civilization would also provide creature comforts when the rugged Durmstrang boys were ready to come indoors. The ambitions Valentin wanted to fulfill earlier only held a grander stage here, even if the trip took a bit more work to put together. The problem was that he was not sure if Nikolai wanted him around for any of it, but the least Val could do was give him this escape. While the seeker had a number of specific things he wanted to do together, it would be up to Vol’ka how to spend his time here in the end.
Valentin and Nikolai arrived in Crete late at night on February 14th, which they had off for an exeat weekend. Staying in a wooden cottage on a shore near Elafonisi, Val chose a base of operations where they would not easily be interrupted by other people. Yet, they were within walking distance of a small village lined with shops and eateries.
Awakening on the morning of February 15th, Valentin invited his companion to step out onto the beach that was previously only visible at night through the cottage’s oceanfront bay windows. The sound of gentle waves lapping against the island’s coastline was quiet and perhaps even soothing. What was strange about the view, however, was the strikingly pink color of the area’s sand. Stepping up onto a low dune, Valentin stared off into the intense cerulean waters before them as he spoke, not looking Nikolai in the eye.
“They say that in places like this, where the sea is so calm… the serenity is the handiwork of the Muses – daughters of Zeus, calming Nature’s turbulence with their sweet voices and melodies.” Strapped to Val’s back this time was not a broom, but rather, his jet black Turkish oud. Maybe Nikolai would benefit from some music during their time here, or perhaps he would simply want to be alone and Val would use the instrument to console himself. Either way, Valentin couldn’t seem to escape strategic decision making anymore.
After October the only thing that made sense was becoming more and more of the war general Durmstrang set him up to become. Coming to this positively angelic seaside haven was, in part, an attempt to hold back the hawkish turn of his own heart. A buried urge to use his militaristic education against the aggressor(s) of Hogsmeade was always bubbling just below the surface. These would be his most easily accessible depths, within range for most friends to discover, but below that lay a deep-sea trench where an even more onerous longing lurked, biding its time until a justification could be found to settle the score with those who hurt Nikolai. At the bottom of such depths, however, slept his most dangerous impulse of all. The mental work Valentin began, undertaking beginner legilimency studies, was making him increasingly aware of something inside himself which he did not understand… but he knew enough to sense that he needed the healing of this place just as much as Nikolai.
Now, setting his eyes for the first time on the lagoon he’d spent so much effort arranging for, Valentin sighed. Certainly the pink sands were cute, in their way. The ocean was the very same electric blue he was promised. The utter calm of the warm breeze, cloudless azure skies, and brilliance of the sun were simply perfect and according to plan. Yet, even in such an idyllic scene his mind was trained to find a threat. The way the little waves cast a darker red tinge across the edge of the dunes only served to remind him of blood. He couldn’t grasp quite what it reminded him of, but he knew there was something about it of importance – perhaps a memory suppressed. What should have been a perfectly innocent place stung like salt water in his unhealed wounds.
Of course Valya still wanted to take Nikolai up and down the beach, hunting for objects with his keen eyes for decorating a sand castle together. He still wanted to get Nikolai to force him to eat an ice cream together in public. He still wanted to see what colors would play off the irises of the other’s eyes and, if everything went perfectly, even sing that song he’d written for him. Yet, he couldn’t ask for any of it. The champion didn’t even dare to look at the boy directly.
“Kol’enka, welcome to Crete. I brought you here with the hopes that you could be free here, and just let loose. There’s a village to the east if you want food or to look at some shops. This area is hidden to non-magi but about twenty kilometers northwest they have some settlements where we shouldn’t use magic. I can take you anywhere else by broom if you feel like exploring, but most things are within walking distance. Lastly, I’ve arranged to keep this area all to ourselves for the weekend, so you’ll have total privacy unless you choose to go far from the cottage.” It was already getting so warm by nine a.m. that Valentin slipped off his cream-colored cashmere shawl and threw it over the arm of a tree swing hanging next to them.
“Thanks for coming.” A deep sadness haunted Val’s eyes, but he was making a point of not looking at Nikolai right now. He couldn’t remember the last time he’d been able to really savor such a moment, either, but neither could he afford to think of such things. He had to be careful now so that Nikolai would be in the best position possible to enjoy himself. The magic of recovery could never be forced.
Crossing his long arms over his own chest with a squeeze, Valentin began picking out the shapes of the most distant sea sparkles he could. Would Nikolai see what he saw in this place? What was in the boy’s heart now, suddenly transplanted into the Mediterranean while their institute lay buried under snow in the dead of winter as it awaited their return? For the millionth time, Valya just wished he could know the other’s mind down to the finest detail. Yet, he did not allow himself to ask anything of him here and now. Putting his faith in the other to find the path he needed most, Valentin simply stood staring into the distance like the Colossus of Rhodes.
@Matthew Campbell (Nikolai Vol’ka)
18 Feb 2025, 12:46
The Drop that Wrestles in the Sea
Date: February 15th 2025Dwelling on the stilted silence of the travel Nikolai found himself ground to the bone as they arrived in the cabin late on the 14th. Knowing he was still too fragile to even consider the event in France had left him at a loss. Rehabilitation was a long and arduous process but some days when the panic attacks got particularly bad he wondered if there would ever be relief in his life again. The physical recovery was hardly any better a tremor in his hands constantly plaguing him and muscle pain that ached into the dead of night. Neither of which were the ultimate reason for his sleepless night, that honour was given to the nightmares. Fragments of a story he didn't wish to relive replaying over and over in distortion.
At points in the gap between them Nikolai wondered if the pair was holding onto something that no longer existed. They both seemed so determined, stubbornly holding onto invisible tethers with no real physical manifestation to bridge the gap. A game with no victor for they had already both lost. Of course neither party was willing to accept this but unless they actually discovered a resolution Nikolai was beginning to wonder how long they could last. So with hopeful spirit he had accepted Valentin's plea to have him travel abroad for the break away from all the harrows of wizarding life and safe in the isolation, a chance to breath easy again even if only for a moment. Kazan had proven his ups and downs but for the most part he was alleviated by the trip and with the twinkle of possibility sparking in his chest he wondered if finally this would allow them time to talk.
In the open Grecian air perhaps they could breath new life into their lungs and be born a new on the waves where heroes once sailed and legends were born. Yet as soon as they had arrived it was late and the two wordlessly decided that bed was the only course given the long journey. Well rather Valentin agreed and Nikolai accepted though he had no intentions of sleeping. Even in an idyllic place as this he knew the darkness waiting for him behind his eyelids and he was unwilling to sully their first evening before they even had a chance at peace. Once Val was settled he found a spot by the window where he could sit upon the edge leaning his body against the cool pane and listening to the ocean. Flashbacks begun to streak within his mind as the memories of the sand and sea brought him back to the assault, the beach in St Petersburg where his life had so nearly ended. His psychologist had warned him the trip may be too soon, that the ocean may provide more demons than blessings but with his recovery being as tedious as it was he felt it necessary.
The beach and sea had long in his life been a staple of comfort. It was the dedication of the Volkov brothers as a safe space, a bonding ritual they performed whenever they had a chance and as much as his body rejected being here Nikolai's mind yearned for those moments to outshine the broken one. So he spent the night listening to each sound, defying his bodies wishes to flee or cower, summoning happy memories of bonfires and first drinks and birthdays spent with his brothers. Every time his father's voice would appear his heart would still deathly slow but he would remain resolved in his mission to stay put. Mikhail had taken so much of him, had spoiled so many moments already, but he couldn't have this. Eventually Nik even relinquished the fight and closed his eyes, and though he wouldn't sleep, within the void he conjured images of the waves he could hear and soothed himself in the warm Mediterranean waters letting them wash away the filth of the past. Intentional rest was no substitute for sleep but at the very least it would keep him present the following day.
When morning broke and the radiant spectrum of sunrise broke the sky burning away the grey and dark he smiled gently head still resting upon the window and caught sight of the pink sand outside. There was no doubt in his mind that Valentin had put a great deal of thought into this place. Somehow that only confused the young Russian more. The white star was acting exactly how he always had, meaningful gestures and a deep sense of duty and care with the only difference being his voice. Where once words fought against the necessity for breath now it was a struggle to fill the silence, so clearly because the conversation they needed to have, Valentin was refusing. Then when the older boy finally arose himself the feelings only worsened tenfold.
Unable to meet Nikolai's eyes he walked with purpose as if there was no one else in the room. Nikolai was as much an ornament, a decoration to the setting that need little acknowledgment. He was exactly as he had been for years in his father's company. The comparison made him sick but he could hardly deny the truth in it. Finally addressing him by voice alone Nik followed him out into the serene setting and dimmed further with Valentin's sigh. A subtle sense of disappointment from his brother indicating that even in paradise he found no true happiness. Nikolai had once thought that no matter the setting they would find pure bliss in each other's company alone, but he supposed those days were gone. Slowly moving down the sands as Val spoke Nik could feel his agitation rising, nearing the sea was proving more difficult than he wished but his brother's words were only adding to the infuriating desire to scream. As he finished and stared out to the enchanting cerulean sea with hurt eyes Nikolai's heart broke, for Valentin held himself tightly and in spite of everything they had been through refused to face the truth.
Having grown used to the process of recovery Nikolai knew when something was a dead end. Healers had informed him that some symptoms were unpredictable and could be lifelong, that they weren't bound merely by the physical but mental traumas. Therefore he knew, that in the current state of their conditions Valentin and Nikolai had no hope of recovery. This gorgeous setting was all a façade like the world Val had created in his mind. A coverup to deny the reality that unless something really changed the resentment would fester and they would break. Nikolai, a boy who had faced so much pain and suffering in his existence already, who had lived a life fighting for basic decencies was tired. Val could bring him all over the world, show him wonders that stole his breath and paint the world in a wealth of culture and fineries but if this was to be the way Nikolai didn't want a second of it.
"This is Нелепый-" dragging his heavy feet through the sand back turned to the boy he clambered his way back towards the cabin for a moment before he stilled turning back too quickly that it made the lingering aches in his ribs flare causing him to wince. Ignoring the pain for it was featherlight in comparison to the suffering of his heart, "-is this seriously how it is to be between us? If it is I don't know why you bothered bringing us here, in fact I don't know what the point in any of it was if this is to be the way. I mean Val you can't even look at me." While his words had bite to them his electric blue irises already glimmered in the watery depths flitting in front of him. It would not be long until he was fully crying but for now the droplets only highlighted the pain in his eyes, once striking orbs they had never truly recovered from the attack. Forever dimmed.
The proximity between them felt irrecoverable and Nik had no clue how to even begin if Val didn't meet him half way. If Valentine wouldn't look at him, wouldn't talk to him, wouldn't trust him again, then perhaps it was over. As the dreadful silence settled in the space between them Nikolai found himself looking at this palm, at the bond and oath that they had once carved into their own flesh, a devotion to one another. It was true that he had broken the bond by leaving, but Valentine was no less guilty for his distance and silence over these last months that was no less a rejection of their original wish. Nikolai had wished for family, for the boy's happiness to be fulfilled. Now, although only metres apart, the two boys felt continents apart with miles of invisible walls separating them. They had come to Crete seeking sanctuary and instead found themselves bound in the labyrinth itself. In his entire life Nikolai had never felt so alone.
Interacting with Valentin Schnell creator of the stunning banner! @Aida Mòrsgor-Ama Ellwood
Translations
Нелепый - Ridiculous/Absurd
| Nikolai Volka // "Light, light: do not go | I sing you this song and I will sing another as well." // Matthew Campbell |
19 Feb 2025, 07:24
The Drop that Wrestles in the Sea
Had I Not Seen the Sun
By Emily Dickinson
Had I not seen the Sun
I could have borne the shade
But Light a newer Wilderness
My Wilderness has made –
──────── ☽•☾ ────────
Valentin had settled into a cot for the night of the 14th, performing the same ritual as sunset signalling the time to sleep. Yet, just as Nikolai curled into a nook by the window without finding true surrender, Valentin’s consciousness also resisted. Rather, he stared at the scene of Nikolai turned away from him as the ocean waves murmured their rhythmic melody about the passing of time. This was how the last several months had passed for Valentin, in a nutshell. It all felt the like slow death of his dreams, but he feared the alternative would be no better than slitting the throat of trust with his own blade.
After months of practicing excruciating amounts of patience, trying to give Nikolai enough personal space to heal, Valentin lost track of how much of himself he’d lost along the way. He wasn’t getting any of his own needs met, either. No, ever since Nikolai had left and told him not to follow, Val took the broken vow as a revoking of Nikolai’s wish. It was originally because of Vol’ka’s wish for Valentin’s happiness and a profound shared bond that the seeker had felt welcome to ask for what he wanted. Now it felt grotesquely selfish to speak of his own desires when it was Nikolai who had endured the worst of October’s trauma. Toiling in quiet pain for anything he could provide for Vol’ka’s recovery, Valentin buried his own woes beneath the struggle of figuring out what might actually help Nikolai. Despite the enduring sense that he could not see the forest for the trees, Valentin did not know what else he could do. He would do anything for Nikolai, anything, if only he knew what to do.
Now at daybreak on the 15th, another morning was upon them although neither had managed any genuine sleep. Too many days had come and gone as empty as the sea refusing to return a sailor to one waiting on the shore. Yet, Valentin hadn’t realized that he wasn’t the only one awaiting the other while standing alone.
The basic impulses of Valentin’s heart still simmered under the surface: he would have loved to sweep Nik up in his arms onto the tree-swing and whisper some crazy ambition into his ear as they swung. He would have liked to climb the highest peak together and practice a duet with the song Nik gifted him on their wonderful New Year’s Eve. It would have been fun to even sneak a handful of sand into Nik’s shirt, then nab one of his shinies and run off to be chased along the crashing surf. There was no end of things Val wanted of Nik, and yet he shut himself up as callously as his father had shushed him when he was a child wanting candy. How could the seeker ask for anything joyous when Nikolai’s pain deserved respect?
So it came to be that Valentin wouldn’t turn his amethyst gaze upon Nikolai. It was with his eyes that the colddrake usually got what he wanted. So too was his stare famously revealing, both for uncovering depths behind the masks of others, as well as for exposing his own silent yearnings to anyone who bothered to look beyond their dazzling patina. If he looked Nik in his darling blue eyes now, all Val’s buried agony and longing might boil over, scalding the already wounded boy with untamed passion.
Surely the sea could endure the pain in Val’s eyes without shattering. Yet, even without staring directly at the sun, one could see the truth of its light cast in every direction. Bright white Valentin was never good at concealing himself, neither by mask nor any other artifice. At most he could hide himself away below the horizon, but even then he could never resist the urge for long before rising again into full view.
"This is Нелепый-" complained Nikolai, lobbing a throwing knife directly into Valya’s heart. The sound of his heavy heels dragging backwards in retreat came like a rejection of Valentin’s feeble attempt to gift peace to a heart at war. Yet, the captain couldn’t just stop him. He refused to force anything on Nikolai, not even a pretty pink beach. It would have defeated the point of everything they’d built together, troubled though their twin kingdom might be. Still, Nikolai stopped himself. His outburst had blasted open a crack and now more words were beginning to slip out.
"-is this seriously how it is to be between us? If it is I don't know why you bothered bringing us here, in fact I don't know what the point in any of it was if this is to be the way. I mean Val you can't even look at me."
No one had as much power as Nikolai to crush Valentin in the span of one breath. No one. A searing ache in the seeker’s heart felt like lightning cleaving a tree in two. Yet, this first bolt was only the vanguard of a greater thunderstorm making landfall. For all the months keeping it inside, Val's heart split with a violent emotional surge that threatened to spill everything out in a flash flood of tears. He had wanted only the best for Nikolai, only the best he could possibly give with everything at his disposal, and yet –
“I’m not enough for you, am I? Am I?” Whirling to face Nikolai, it only took two of the tall seeker’s long strides to confront him with his face warped by despair. The tears were coming out en masse whether he wanted them to or not. “Kol’enka, I would give my life for you. I would dash my dreams on the cliffs of the damned if only this could make you whole again. There isn’t a bloody thing I wouldn’t do for you but none of it will suffice, will it? Kol’ka, please, for the love of Stribog and every star in the sky, just tell me what you want from me. Do you want me to look at you? Do you want to see what an utter hellscape I keep inside just to be strong for you?” Burying his sharp gaze deep into Nikolai’s ball lightning eyes, Valentin seethed as if he might breathe blue fire at any moment.
“The point of bringing you was so that you could find yourself again, all while I die inside not being the one to find and take you home myself. I’m trying to not force you. YOU’RE the one who left me. YOU told me not to search for you. Then in my selfish desperation I denied you, did the opposite, did everything I could to steal you back from the void. I could not even respect the sanctity of your beautiful mind, so greedy was I. Even if I wasn’t strong enough for you to take me with you, and even if you gave up on our vow after becoming disenchanted with me, I didn’t want to let you go. That will always hang over me, and though I may be a monster, really I’m just a man. I’m sorry but I don’t regret it at all. I can’t even say I’m sorry. Here you are, alive in front of me, and even though it feels like theft, I’m glad I refused your request. I never want to let you go. I’m not sorry. I need you in my life, Nikolai. Nothing can ever be the same again now that I’ve met you. If you only knew the savage things I would do to get you back, maybe you’d never look me in the eye again.” Shoving the streaking tears out of the way with gruff passes of his knuckles, Valentin hissed with annoyance at himself.
“Don’t you understand? You’re not some decoration in my house, not a pawn in some great game of mine, not just some boy to me. Nikolai Vol’ka, you’re not even just my prince. You are the hub that spins the wheel of my life’s sky. You are the blood of my blood. You are everything to me. Yet, what good am I to you now? I can’t even take you to the Temple of the Gods without letting you down. I try to shut up so that you can think, but the silence drowns you. I try to talk but it’s all as daft as a barking dog. How am I supposed to protect you and raise you back up high when down inside I’m breaking and all I want is for you to hold me and tell me that you will stay with me and we’ll both be all right?” Valentin’s shoulders caved in like a cowl as he began to shake. His voice darted in and out of loud and soft tones, dripping with patent adoration and yet scathingly honest in its anguish.
“I’ll never be Hans Jenssen to you. I can never give you what he does. Yet, for all the madness I’d commit for you, I can’t fight him. Never could I steal away what really makes you happy. So now here I am, unravelling as I lose my mind trying to fight your demons, knowingly condemning my own heart to death. Don’t you see how I pass my free hours day after day, hoping against hope that my sacrifice will uncover the golden key that liberates you from this torment at last?” Exasperated, Valentin’s breathing became erratic as if its autonomous pace could break into a choking attack at any moment.
“When are you going to ask, Nikolai? When will you ask what I want? I give and I give and I strategize about how to get myself up for another day so that I can give again, but when will you help me help you? I have needs, too, and I hate it, but I do. The things I saw, what I felt during that first coma… I am carrying your pain as well. I swore this oath to you and so I will never stop, not until you end me. Though I don’t understand it all, I was there with you. I can feel it. I remember. There are things you’re blocking out that are still crushing me.”
The darkness lining Valentin’s expression loomed like a mirror image of the shadows Nikolai suppressed within. Looking into Val’s tortured gaze was like looking into his own reflection unchained. It would be all too clear now why the seeker had not been looking at him for all this time. Encircled by the familiar amethyst irises lie deep wells glinting with fragments of Nikolai’s own terrible truth. Yet, there were still flickers of the white star’s light pulsating beneath it all, trying to send a message through despite the heavy gravitational lensing.
“Maybe you have sworn off our vow,” Valentin uttered with a low rumble, looking down into his left palm, “but I will never be the same. I can’t forget the world you showed me. Though tossed like a bird in the winds of a tempest, my true home will always be in you, Nikolai. Not even all of Durmstrang can compare to you. My other wishes are like posies compared to the great tree that has overgrown my heart. The glitter of a million words is silly and stupid compared to the reality behind this. Kolyan, please. Even if you’ve given up on me, I can’t be what I was before I met you. I love you. I love you and there’s nothing I can do to stop it.”
Valentin’s arms opened, despite himself. Sure, his voice was cracking and his collar was damp with tears, but he could still stand. For all his professed weakness and vulnerability, the invitation of his embrace promised a stability his mind couldn’t see he still had.
“I want to be your happiness, Kol’enka. A bigger part of it. I can’t hide myself anymore. Tell me, please, what I can do better. Tell me what you want, something big or just a trifle. Anything. Anything at all. If you don’t even know, just let me hear the sweetness of your voice again. Somehow we got a bit separated, but I have missed you so very, very much. Please come back to me... Come back and stay, closer than we ever were before.” Was it an audacious request? Maybe, but this was Valentin’s true hope.
@Matthew Campbell