hey, mr. rager PV

Mahlioz had been back for a couple of months. And they hated every second. It wasn't because of the school - they loved Hogwarts more than anything in the world, and it was the only thing that could make them smile sometimes. She had friends here. She had work here. She had magic here, and though it was rather oxymoronic, sometimes she felt like it was the only thing that made any sense or had any logic at all in this stupid world.

No, it wasn't Hogwarts that they hated, but home. "Home". They'd done so well at keeping it in. It was slightly obvious that they were suffering, but they hadn't broken down since they got here. They had gotten so good at trying to distract themselves.
But that morning, they had gone to the owlery to send a fifth letter to Reltyl, and Reltyl still hadn't responded. And that was the last straw. Reltyl had been Mahlioz's everything for so many years. Now that she was here, they thought all that was gone and they had the right never to answer any of her letters again? Now that she had accidentally tried to use magic (to help them, no less), they decided she didn't deserve to be spoken to ever again?

That wasn't fair. And it wasn't fair that it made her so freaking angry. Angry and sad and alone and exhausted. They couldn't deal with it anymore. It was too much - they'd dealt with moving, and their parents not caring about Scotland (or at least that's how it felt like), and living with Alyce. But if Reltyl was going to be a jerk on top of that?

They knew they wouldn't make it to their dorm without crying. How pathetic was that? They didn't even have it that bad, it was just a move, and Reltyl would eventually talk to them again, but... but her eyes were burning and there was no amount of self-reasoning that was changing that. She had to go somewhere, get out of here. She wanted to scream.

The only place she was relatively certain no one would be was the abandoned toilets. It wasn't that she liked the place, it was rather digusting really, but where else was she to go? Wiping away the beginning of their tears with the sleeve of their sweater, they opened the door, and-

-and found themselves right in front of another crying student.

Oh gods. Human interaction was literally the thing they needed the least of all. What was she supposed to do now? She was always supposed to do something, there was always an unspoken rule you had to follow. "Are you o-" no, clearly the student was not okay. And neither was Mahlioz. She was sick of having to follow rules she didn't understand. She was done.

"Mind if I- join you?" The usual nervosity was there, because it always was when they had to talk to people, and they were clutching their own sweater sleeves too tightly, but they no longer cared. Their tears were already spilling, and if they weren't embarrassed because of that, there was no point in being embarrassed about anything else.

She said nothing else and sat on the ground as far away from the other person as possible, because sometimes being alone was all you needed. But she hoped they'd understand if she stayed. Because was there any better place to go to cry?

The other person seemed very, very surprised that Mahlioz had chosen to stay here and cry. Mahlioz didn't completely get why - it was normal to feel stressed from time to time, and the abandoned toilets were known to be the place to cry when that happened. Sure, it wasn't often that two people needed it at the same time, but why did that mean one had to leave? At least they didn't seem to want Mahlioz gone, so that was a plus.

Why did she even care what they thought, at this point? She had no idea who they were, and they probably had no idea who she was, either. And she was tired of caring.

Crying felt nice, when they stopped caring. It felt nice to know that they could feel things, that they weren't as heartless as Reltyl made them feel. It felt like they were justified in their anger and hurt and loneliness when they cried. It made it clear they weren't pretending. That they were allowed to feel like this, even for something as small as their sibling not responding to them.

If they kept thinking about Reltyl, they were going to end up punching something or screaming out in anger. It was hard to tell whether she was more angry or sad - really it was a big tangle of emotions that she couldn't sort and she didn't know what to do with. Sure, crying helped a bit, but it didn't make her any less sad or mad.

It was only then that they realized the other person was sitting down next to them. It took them a good few seconds to process that. Mahlioz had sat all the way over here so as not to disturb them, but... they were here, now? Could she deal with that? More human interaction?

Yes, yes she could. Because she'd decided not to care anymore, and because the smile the stranger offered her was everything. In a time where she felt like no one understood, no one wanted to understand, the look this random person gave her was understanding. It was exactly what Mahlioz needed. Somehow, it made her want to bawl her eyes out even more, but at the same time calmed her down enough to get the tears out of her eyes.

I'm here if you need to talk. What irony, was it not? Mahlioz walked in on someone crying only for them to offer their help with her own problems. It got an almost smile out of her. They then pulled out a cigarette and - breathed through it? Was that the term? Mahlioz had no idea. But then the cigarette was offered to her, and she didn't know what to do.

Mahlioz remembered all the times people had told them not to do drugs or get drunk or smoke when they got older. Being the biggest rule-stickler, it hadn't really been a question: drugs were just a no. They never would have expected having something similar offered to them, on a normal (ish) day at school, not in a club or anything like that. Their first instinct was to back away in fear, because that was all that seemed acceptable for such a thing. But their second instinct was to accept, and that took them off guard. This stranger seemed trustworthy and she was so, so sick of everything right now.

But smoking? The fact that she'd even considered accepting scared her. Who was she becoming?

"That's... thank you, but I'm okay." Well, not really, but she was okay enough not to accept a cigarette. Or was she? No, she was, she had to be. This was part of who she was, following rules. Sure, she'd said she didn't care right now, but she couldn't do this. "Thank you." Needless repetition. It made them feel better. They let out a sigh. "You really don't need to... be nice and stuff. If you don't want to. You were here first, you have just as much of a reason to need someone to talk to as me." Did they want to talk? Heck no. And the stranger probably didn't either, because that was how these things worked. But if they did, would Mahlioz be able to listen to them?

Well, probably. She was feeling... not better, but more connected to reality. They sat in silence for a few moments, Mahlioz looking at the cracked ceiling and wondering how on earth they had gotten here. The silence was magnificent.

Gods, they wanted to try the cigarette. If for nothing else, to feel closer to this stranger who in just a few minutes felt like the most important person in the world. But they hated themselves for wanting it, because what would it mean? It would mean everything had changed. It would mean they couldn't pretend everything would go back to normal. It would mean not only their world was upside down, but suddenly they weren't the same person anymore either. And that was the last thing they wanted.

The girl said she used to be a rule follower too. Mahlioz wasn't sure what to think of that. Did it mean that they could one day be like her? Or was it that they already were? Here they were, sitting in a dirty bathroom with someone she didn't know, oh so close to accepting a cigarette when it was the complete opposite of who they thought they were. Why had the girl said that? That she used to be a rule follower? Was it a judgy tone? Mahlioz couldn't tell. She could never tell. It didn't matter.

It was... funny, almost, the way neither of them really minded each other's presence yet both of them were suggesting to leave or be alone for the sake of the other. For a girl who smoked, she was really nice. Mahlioz wasn't sure why she added on "for a girl who smoked". She prided herself on not judging people. But she hadn't met anyone her age who smoked before, she only ever heard stereotypes, and sometimes stereotypes get to you.

It was decided that neither of them were leaving. Mahlioz nodded with a small "okay." Sitting in silence or talking was the next choice, and it was a bit more of a difficult one. It wasn't supposed to be - Mahlioz didn't like talking, and that was that. But they wanted to get to know this person. They didn't want to let it be awkward. Letting it out feels better. How could one be sure?

Just a bit of silence. Just a few minutes. Silence was her friend.

The girl seemed to respect that. It was good to have that silence - as relative as it was, with the creaking pipes and the sounds that the castle always made. Some would classify them as creepy; Mahlioz found them comforting. Hogwarts was home. But after a few minutes passed, the girl re-stated that she'd listen if Mahlioz wanted to talk. "I don't... I don't know. I don't know. How to explain, or..." What if she was making too much of a deal out of something ridiculous? It was just a move, it was just their sibling, it was just...

If you don't want to talk I can go first. Mahlioz blinked. It wasn't what she was expecting. But perhaps it would help? Perhaps it would distract them? Or... no, it wouldn't, and maybe that was for the better. They kept trying to distract themselves, drowning in homework or the ball or anything they could get their hands on. There was no way that was healthy, and sure, she'd ignored that until now, but she finally had a chance to maybe do something about it.

But first. This girl had already done so much for her. Mahlioz could at least be there for her in return. And if it could help them reorganize their own thoughts, the weight on their shoulders, so they could finally put it down themselves, that was a bonus. Mahlioz nodded. "...if you wouldn't mind. I'm good at listening, too."