Falling Apart (pt. 2) solo finished

Date: July 16 2023 Time: Evening

City: Theydon Mount, England Mentions: X

English | French Thoughts

Alarian | Pierre | Reltyl | Hyltwis | Alyce

Things were hard to register. Mahlioz knew that their house was sold - they'd known that since December - but it didn't feel that way. It felt like any moment now they'd turn around and go back home and everything would be the same. Every single room she knew by heart. She could close her eyes and walk through the house, looking at objects and furniture that were no longer there. It felt so real. Why couldn't it be real?

It wasn't long, with a mix of cars and floo powder, that they arrived in Theydon Mount, near London. Pierre's old friend from French university, Alyce LaMontagne, was taking them in for a couple of days. It wasn't just that, though. Alyce had a rather more important role in all this, in that she would be taking care of Mahlioz over the next year.

Why? Because Hogwarts didn't accept students from outside the UK. And while Mahlioz's house was technically going to be in France, they would be living in Alyce's care during the school year, so they could continue attending Hogwarts. The whole ordeal was not something the Slytherin was overjoyed with, but at least she would get to continue going to her school.

Not that that was necessarily the best of things, what with the balls and trauma it seemed to give people.

Alyce's house was small and old. The woman herself was middle-aged and very tall, with a long brown braid that was beginning to grey and a permanent scowl on her face. It didn't seem to mean anything, because she was kind enough, and seemed very happy to see Pierre; her expression was just... there.
Her house, while small, was not very cozy. All of the few rooms but one were rather bare, with not much more than a few pieces of furniture, and no decoration. The decoration was found outside, if you could call it that.

Alyce's passion was gardening. She had a gigantic field in place of a backyard, with plants of all shapes and sizes and an orchard. Though it looked chaotic, as much as the woman insisted it was all well organized, it had a sort of strange beauty to it.

The one room indoors that was not bare was the living room, which was nicely furnished and had a fireplace (which was weird to see in a muggle house). After a small catch-up conversation there, Alyce led Mahlioz to what was to be her room when she stayed here.

It was upstairs, and had beige walls and a dark wood floor. A bed, a desk, a wardrobe and a window were the only things in the room, accompanied by Mahlioz's trunk when they brought it in. It didn't... feel like a bedroom. It didn't feel like a prison, either, but it felt wrong. All Mahlioz wanted was to turn around and go back to the home that was not hers anymore.

"Je te laisse ranger tes affaires,¹" said Alyce, leaving Mahlioz alone. But the Slytherin did not put away their things. They just sat on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. It was not the same ceiling. It was beige, like the walls, not brown like at home.

They would stay here for three days. Then they would go to France. They would unpack everything, begin living in a foreign house, and then Mahlioz would be sent back here right before school started. It was a great plan. Or rather, it would have been, if Mahlioz had been happy with any of it. Instead, she had stayed silent since she'd got here, and would likely continue to do so for quite some time, because if she said anything she would... she wasn't sure what she would do. Break down crying, scream and shout? It wouldn't be good. And as much as they believed their parents deserved it for what they were making them do, they didn't want to lose control of themselves like that.

¹ "I'll let you put your things away."

Date: July 20 2023 Time: Morning

City: Bergerac, France Mentions: @Irina Shevel, @Astra Norrick

English | French Thoughts

Alarian | Pierre | Reltyl | Hyltwis

Floo powder was a very handy wizarding invention. After the two days at Alyce's, in which Mahlioz had talked only the bare minimum, the family had gotten picked up by Alarian's sister, Yasmine. She would be the one to bring Mahlioz to Platform 9 3/4 when the time came, and for now, they were using her fireplace to get to their new house in Bergerac. After a quick greeting to their little cousins, Mahlioz found themselves in front of the fire.

How easy would it be, right now, to say anything but Bergerac? A friend's house, like Rina's or Astra's? She knew they would be concerned but probably welcome her for a while. But no. She was a coward. She could never do something like that, as much as she wanted to.

Bergerac was a nice town. The birthplace of a certain Cyrano from a certain French play, which was a plus. Mahlioz had always liked that play - the movie had had awesome swords and capes, though that was probably more relating to the timeframe it took place in than the town. But still. The place had that going for it.

In fact, if Mahlioz hadn't been so spiteful that they were being forced to move here, they might even have liked it. The houses were quite medieval-looking, there was a really pretty river, and castles, and a forest that looked like it would be fun to explore (oh dear, were they becoming Irina??). But the Slytherin could only focus on how this place was to become a prison for her. She wanted nothing to do with it. How she missed Aberdeen already...

The house she was to live in was medieval-looking as well, with the mix of stone walls and beige plaster-looking stuff with crisscrossing wood supports. It... wasn't ugly. Though it was small. Just three bedrooms, because Hyltwis and Mahlioz were away so much - they would be sharing a room.
One more thing this move was taking from her - her own room. Great. It wasn't like she'd want privacy during holidays, or a place to put her stuff that she didn't bring to Hogwarts. This wasn't frustrating at all.

Mahlioz was only half-conscious when they walked inside. They didn't want to pay attention. And they were so tired. It was only the next morning, when their father woke them up to start unpacking, that they realized this was real. This was the new house. This was the place she would be returning to every holiday. She might as well start liking it, because what other choice was there?

Hyltwis was angry. What about, Mahlioz couldn't tell from their sleeping bag, in which they were procrastinating getting up. The curiosity was enough to get them to do so, and walk over to the door of the kitchen, where Hyltwis and their parents were.
"You know very well we only want the best for you, Hyltwis!" Alarian's voice. "We're fine with theater being a hobby, but it's not a realistic source of income!"
"What about aunt Audrey, huh?? She's a wizarding actor and she's doing just fine!"
The grimace was audible in Mahlioz's mother's voice. "How do you know you're going to do as well as Audrey? You're gambling with your life, here! You're not even leaving your options open, you're being stubborn! What happens when this career falls through? You won't have anything else to fall back on, because you didn't care about your O.W.L.s!"
"On comprend que tu sois triste à cause d'Erin, mais là tu n'essaies même plus de réussir! Ce n'est pas une bonne raison d'avoir échoué à tes examens, ils doivent être ta plus grande priorité! C'est eux qui t'ouvrent des portes.¹"
"Are you serious?? How do you know I'm not going to do as well as her, if not better? Good to know you think so badly of me! Oh, et je suis tellement désolée que ça me change un peu, que ma petite amie me laisse! Mais je passe toujours du temps à apprendre, c'est juste que c'est pas ce que vous voulez que j'apprenne!²"
"Hyltwis, all we're-"
"No, I'm done with this! Is it too much to ask for you guys to want me to be happy?"
Hyltwis stormed out of the room, nearly running into Mahlioz as she did so. She scowled at them, knowing all too well they'd heard quite a bit, but said nothing, only ran outside into the town she barely knew.

Mahlioz wasn't hungry after that, so she skipped the kitchen and started unpacking.

¹ "We understand that you're sad because of Erin, but you're not even trying to succeed anymore! It's not a good reason to have failed your exams, they have to be your biggest priority! It's them that get you places."
² "Oh, and I'm so sorry that my girlfriend breaking up with me changes me a little bit! But I still spend time learning, it's just that it's not what you want me to learn!"

Date: July 26 2023 Time: After lunch

City: Bergerac, France Mentions: X

English | French Thoughts

Alarian | Pierre | Reltyl | Hyltwis

It had been twenty-four hours since Mahlioz had spoken. It helped her focus, counting the hours. She'd spend time moving boxes and slicing the tape and unpacking the things inside and putting furniture together, and when she looked up a few hours had passed and that made her feel better. A few hours closer to going back to Hogwarts. A few hours where she hadn't had to think.

Talking had never been a pastime Mahlioz loved, but now that they were angry at the world it was evident how easy it was just not to do it. Nods and shakes of the head were sufficient, most of the time. Sure, sometimes she needed words, but days of unpacking got to be repetitive and they became unecessary. After a while they could show up with a box in their hands and their mother would automatically tell them where it went.

It was certainly boring, but that was the good part. No thinking, just doing. It felt like delaying the inevitable, but if she wasn't thinking she wasn't thinking about that so what did it matter? Mahlioz was the one doing the most work, to a point that their parents were slightly concerned they weren't taking a break.

After a while, the break was forced. After lunch one day, Alarian said, "Mahlioz, you're not unpacking this afternoon. Go outside, explore, or write to your friends, or something. Take a break."
Mahlioz wasn't quite sure how to take a break. She didn't want to go outside or write to her friends. That would bring back memories of all the things that were going wrong. She wanted to unpack. She needed to unpack, because she felt like she was going to cry if she didn't.

But Alarian wouldn't let them near the boxes, so they resigned themselves. If they were going to have to think about things, it might as well be something they were ready to think about.
"Reltyl? Could I borrow your computer?"
There you go, twenty-four hours of silence ruined. Reltyl noticed, and came out of their perpetual scowl to look at her with surprise, before nodding and handing the laptop to Mahlioz. It was rather lucky they weren't using it, actually, but at the moment they were texting their friends. "Just don't break it or anything."

The laptop open in front of the Slytherin just made everything so much more real. She'd procrastinated doing this because there was no electricity at Hogwarts. But now there was wifi and the entire world's knowledge at her fingertips. She had no idea where to start.
A little bit of searching proved the LGBTQIA+ wiki to be more than helpful. Once Mahlioz had started looking, they fell into a rabbithole. They never could have guessed how many terms existed. There were so many words to describe so many things.

But was there what they were looking for? They found agender, the one that had started all this a year and a bit ago, pretty easily. But it didn't feel quite right. Mahlioz felt like she had a gender, or at least part of one; there wasn't just... nothing. Demigirl felt closer, it was more like half a gender. But did they really feel like a girl? Pronouns weren't gender, and they had no idea what it was they felt like.

"What am I supposed to do, Eusèbe?" Mahlioz was lying on the floor, just like ten days ago, but looking at her rabbit instead of the ceiling, with the computer next to her. Eusèbe did not seem phased in the least. He really liked the dandelions she'd brought him. "Am I reading into it too much? But girl doesn't feel completely right... what am I supposed to do, just keep searching forever?"

By the end of the day, Mahlioz had read through the definitions of hundreds of genders. Reltyl had come in asking for their laptop back but when they noticed the signature yellow of the wiki they suddenly decided there was something else they had to do right now. Mahlioz appreciated it. Though she felt like she might need their help.

They were dizzy now. This was too complicated. She just wanted to... have something to call herself, to be proud of, like with asexuality. But this was so much harder, because nothing fit as perfectly as aceness had. Was gender supposed to be this complicated? How come cis people could just - just be themselves without having to even wonder once?

Date: August 7 2023 Time: Early afternoon

City: Bergerac, France Mentions: X

English | French Thoughts

Alarian | Pierre | Reltyl | Hyltwis

Mahlioz and Reltyl had been doing alright. Their relationship was very far from what it had been before the Slytherin had left for Hogwarts, but after last Christmas and their conversation, the two had been writing letters and trying not to lose each other in the twists and turns of their different lives. Mahlioz was trying to convince them that she hadn't changed, she was still the... not-girl they knew so well. Their reconnection was tentative but growing.

Until.

It was a very sunny day and no one could bear to keep unpacking in the house, because it was insanely hot. Hyltwis had gone swimming, Alarian and Pierre had gone for a walk, and Reltyl and Mahlioz were building a treehouse.
Right near their new house (that had yet to have air conditioning, unfortunately) was a great big field, and behind that, a forest. It was where the parents were walking, and it was also where Reltyl had found the "perfect tree for a treehouse" and ran back to ask Mahlioz to help them build it.

It was, in fact, a very nice tree. The trunk split into two parts rather close to the ground, which made it easy enough to attach wooden planks, and then they could sit on it. Not stand, because the branches higher up threatened to whip them in the face, but sitting was fine. "We should build a shelf!" Reltyl suggested, excited. Mahlioz hadn't seen them this excited in a very, very long time. "Be right back, I'm gonna go get more planks." Mahlioz nodded, hammer in hand, and waited for them.

The two were far enough away from the house that brooms and magic (if she was allowed to do it) would work fine here. If Reltyl had gone to Hogwarts last year, had had their first instance of magic, would they have been flying to the pile of planks instead of running? Would they still be close to Mahlioz, like before? Would Mahlioz be able to speak of magic in their presence without them getting angry? Because they still got angry. They were no longer jealous and frustrated at their lack of magic - they just didn't want to hear about anything to do with wizards.

Reltyl got back and handed some of the planks up to Mahlioz before climbing up. "We should make a ladder, too. Where d'you think we could find rope?" Mahlioz shrugged, starting to place the smaller pieces of planks on one of the tree's trunks, so it would act as a shelf. "Wait, no, don't put it there, put it-" Reltyl moved closer to readjust Mahlioz's hand, but they stepped slightly too far and their foot landed on thin air.

A look of shock was all Mahlioz glimpsed before Reltyl was gone, slipping off the edge, and flailing to try and grab onto something, and it wasn't that far but it would hurt and Reltyl would get hurt and out of reflex Mahlioz yelled, "Wingarium Leviosa!!" but of course nothing happened because they didn't have their wand and Reltyl landed on the forest floor with a whumph.

But they didn't seem hurt, not at all. Instead, they seemed livid. They were staring at Mahlioz with a sort of rage she wasn't sure she'd ever seen on them. They were hot-headed and stubborn, maybe even more than Hyltwis, but this was so much more than ever before. "Oh, I see," they said in a low voice, that Mahlioz had to strain to hear. "Instead of trying to actually help your sibling who's going to get hurt, you decide showing off your magic abilities is more important. That's fantastic. I absolutely love to know what you actually think of me. No yeah, I get it. Magic is part of you now, you can't go without it, it's the coolest thing ever and nothing else matters. Well fuck you, Mahlioz." Reltyl got up, and before the Slytherin could get a word in, they were gone, running back to the house.

"Wh-what?" was all the kid could get out, slipping from their perch in the tree onto the ground. She wanted to chase after Reltyl, to tell them they were wrong and she loved them and they got the wrong idea and she was sorry, but she couldn't. She couldn't do anything but slowly crouch, hugging herself, one tear beginning to fall out before the next, and then she was crying.

Reltyl did not talk to them for the rest of the summer. When Mahlioz got back, they couldn't really see very well through their tears, but they picked up their violin and started playing. It sounded terrible. They got frustrated. She kept playing, over and over again, over and over and over again, until it was better, but better wasn't enough. It was only once it was perfect that she stopped, when hours had passed without her noticing, that she put down her violin, because at least there was that. At least there was one part of what she did that could be perfect. Because everything else she seemed to be messing up so majorly.

Date: August 19 2023 Time: Morning

City: Bergerac, France Mentions: X

English | French Thoughts

Alarian | Pierre | Reltyl | Hyltwis

The summer was slowly but surely coming to an end. In less than two weeks, Mahlioz would be back at Hogwarts. It wasn't the first time she was excited to go back to school - she was a nerd, after all, but it was the first time she was looking forward to getting out of here this much. They wanted nothing more than to disappear from this stupid house, and the stupid people who had stupidly forced them to be here, and their stupid sibling who - who wouldn't even look at them.

Hogwarts had a summer camp, didn't it? How she wished she could have been there. Any amount of social interaction would be better than this hellhole. Now that all the unpacking was done, all there was to do was draw, maybe write, and play violin. Archery was an option too, but every time Mahlioz picked up a bow they thought of either Reltyl, Rina or Qrow, all of which they missed too much to be able to continue shooting. So instead they picked up the other kind of bow, and drowned themselves in music.

One day, when she was coming downstairs for a very late breakfast, she overheard her parents talking.
"I am not sûr, Alarian. But it vill pass. He vill understand soon enough, he ees growing up now." Pierre's parisian accent was evident, but it was still better than Alarian when she spoke French, so English was their preferred language between the two.
"But what if he doesn't? What if-" Mahlioz walked into the kitchen and went to grab some cereal. Alarian fell silent, before saying, "Anyway, I should probably get going, we're missing groceries," and leaving.

What on earth that was about, Mahlioz did not know. Who was "he"? But they did not care enough to ask their father. Their silent treatment was still going on, it had become something of a habit now.

The family had become rather cold. The only person Mahlioz could actually speak to was Hyltwis, for once in her life. They had never been the closest, but Reltyl wasn't talking to Mahlioz and Mahlioz wasn't talking to her parents, and the Slytherin was worried about her sister. After the breakup with Erin and the conversation about theater as a job, she couldn't be doing great. And what better way to push away their own problems than by trying to help someone else with theirs?

"Hyltwis?" She creaked the door open to their shared room. It was weird, because they used to fight about every small thing when they were in separate rooms, and now that they had so many more reasons to, they didn't. Hyltwis didn't even mind how much Mahlioz was playing violin, because the green-haired girl always had headphones on. "Can I...ask you a question?"

Hyltwis looked up and pulled off her headphones, looking slightly annoyed. "What." Now that they thought about it, maybe asking her about Erin was an absolutely terrible idea. Well, they'd committed now. "Um... you don't have to respond, I'm just... well. What happened with Erin?"
As expected, quite a few emotions flitted across Hyltwis' face. They could practically see the gears turning in her mind, wondering where this question was or whether it was worth answering. "She broke up with me, obviously."

Was that an end to the conversation that hadn't even started yet? Mahlioz didn't know, but Hyltwis hadn't put on her headphones again, so she decided it wasn't. "You know what I mean. Are you okay? Why did she do that? How come she came back during... Christmas?"
Hyltwis sighed, seemingly resigning herself. "I don't know, Mahlioz. She just said she 'wasn't feeling it anymore'. And I guess when she came back on Christmas it was to apologize? But I know she wouldn't mean it, she doesn't want to get back with me. I barely know why she did what she did, don't expect me to be able to tell you. I've been avoiding her, anyway."

Mahlioz nodded, and Hyltwis reached for her headphones again. The conversation had lasted slightly longer than Mahlioz had been expecting, but she felt like she still needed to say something. "I... I just wanted you to know. I think if you do acting, and stuff... um. You're really good at it, you'd do great. Out there." That felt weird, complimenting Hyltwis was not a daily occurence. The girl stared at them for a few moments, before putting their headphones back on with a very quiet "thanks."

Well then. Whether that had been a success or a failure was unsure, but it had certainly been something.

Date: August 26 2023 Time: Unimportant

City: Theydon Mount, England Mentions: X

English | French Thoughts

Alarian | Pierre | Reltyl | Hyltwis | Alyce

Mahlioz was back at Alyce's. Why they had to be here so early, when school started in an entire week, they were not sure. Their parents had said they needed time to adjust, to get ready for school, to put their things away at Alyce's and get used to the house. The Slytherin wasn't even sure why she was mad about it - she hated the house in Bergerac and everything to do with it just as much as this place. They both meant the same thing, they both symbolized the move and that she would never see her home again.

But she was so dang angry. All the time. She couldn't stop. Every few seconds she had to remind herself not to cry out of frustration. Everything was out of their control. They couldn't do anything they wanted, and when they could, they couldn't do anything properly. They hated the world. Why did it have to be like this? The only thing that ever calmed her down in situations like this was logic, sitting herself down and walking herself through steps, things that made sense. But nothing made sense anymore, absolutely nothing.

Even Eusèbe, despite being a bunny and therefore rather dumb, could tell something was wrong. Sometimes Mahlioz would gently take him off of her pillow, his favorite place to sleep even though he wasn't allowed there, only to scream into it. Even violin didn't help as much as it had the first day. It was so hard to do anything right when you were as angry as she was. None of the notes were perfect enough, none of the vibratos audible enough, none of the bowings right enough. Everything was wrong. She couldn't even practice her duelling spells to get her anger out.

What would she be like when she got back to Hogwarts? They'd hoped the summer might improve things a little, that their parents would reassure them and make them feel better, that they'd get closer to Reltyl and play video games and finally understand their gender. None of that had happened. The summer had just made everything three million times worse. They didn't want to be this angry when they got back to school. It scared them.

But did she have a choice? Or would she never have control over anything to do with her life ever again?