As the World Crumbles Solo

When lightning strikes, splitting the sky, you never see it coming. If you are the one being struck by lightning, which is rare but possible, then this is true tenfold. You know lightning was going to flash sooner or later, but you didn't expect it in that moment and time. Would you really ever have expected it, though? Is anyone really sitting around, expecting tragedy to knock lightly and politely ask to come in? No, they aren't. Because it always comes when you don't expect it. Horrible things always come when you really wish they hadn't. And you are so unprepared for it, it's not even laughable.

That's why it's called shock.

Rose was sitting at the Gryffindor Table in the Great Hall, eating her breakfast. She wasn't expecting any owls from anybody, as she had sent an owl to her great-aunt this morning. She might get an owl from her mother, but she wouldn't read it anyway. Rose had gotten an owl for every week she was at Hogwarts this term so far, but she was adamant that she would not read a single one, even if they enclosed a million dollars and an excellently written apology. She was completely ignoring her mother due to their blowup and fight, and was still furious.

She got an owl anyway, making her furrow her brow in confusion. It was delivered by none other than Doofus, their family owl, so as Doofus soared into the Great Hall and faceplanted on her breakfast, Rose wondered if it was a letter from Jessica, her little sister at home. It was. Rose guess by the pink ink on the back with Rose's own name scribbled on it. Usually, Jess would put a significant amount of time writing her sister's name, or whomever she was sending an owl to, always really pretty on the back, and at least mostly legible, but this looked like she had rushed in doing it. Rose slit open the envelope with her finger as Doofus, dazed, sat back up. Pulling out the paper inside, Rose could see that in the same messy and rushed writing, the first sentence was-

"Mom got in an accident."

Rose's breath caught, and she quickly brought herself to her feet in a very clumsy and panicked way, accidentally knocking over her drink into the breakfast of the girl across from her, trying to look at calm as she could while fastwalking out of the Great Hall. Without really noticing what she was doing, once Rose got out of the Great Hall, she ran, still barely breathing.

No no no no no. What had she done? This could not be happening. Images in her mind flashed- bright lights flashing, the sickening sound of screeching car tires, metal crashing into metal, and glass shattering. Her mother's scream being cut off abruptly. This was horrible, horrible!

Without really knowing where she was going, Rose ran. She ran in no direction in particular, and wasn't aware of where she was running until she tore into the Abandoned Toilets of Hogwarts. After a quick, panicked glance around, Rose decided there was nobody there. Nobody to witness her falling apart.

By now, instead of hardly breathing, every breath was almost a gasp instead of actual intake of oxygen into her system. What was happening to her? She took long strides over to the sink, grasping the sides with both hands and feeling the paper crumple in one hand. She had to read the rest. She had to force herself to read the rest. What if Jess was joking? What if nothing had really happened? Rose wanted to tell herself she was overreacting, so she turned the letter over, reading it with one shaky hand pinning it to the side of the sink.

All she knew was that Jess would never joke about this.

R-

Mom got in an accident. Drunk driver. On her way to my audition for the talent show. Almost died but Muggles got there first and saved her and she transferred to St. Mungos and is recovering there. I'm staying with Gramma since Mar is on vacation to Paris with some of her friends. They're scheduling for you all to go see her at St M asap. She'll live. Couldn't write this four times, so tell sibs.

It wasn't signed "Jess" with her signature little flower or heart or smiley face. There wasn't even any reassurance added, telling Rose it was going to be okay. There was nothing saying it wasn't her fault, nothing assuring her that Jess was okay. Just a quick dump of horrible information.

Rose's mom- her mother. The woman- the amazing woman- who had fed her, clothed her, supported her, raised her, loved her. This woman had almost died. And why? Because she was driving to Jessica's audition, which Rose had asked her to do! Rose had convinced her she wasn't doing enough, and once she tried to do more, she was hit with a car! No no no no no. This was all Rose's fault. She had compelled her mother to go and support her sister at the audition. She had convinced her mother to show up. And because of her and her stupid words to her mother, she had- she had-

Rose's breath quickened even more, making a raspy sound as she inhaled, trying to get more oxygen into her system. She looked up at herself in the cracked mirror, finding tears starting to roll down her freckled cheeks.

She had almost killed her mom.

A wet sob interrupted her sickeningly fast breathing, and she looked herself in the eye in her mirror. God, she was so ugly. So insufferable. Why couldn't she look normal? Like her mother? She should have been proud she looked at least a little like her mother. Why couldn't she look like Faith? Or even Anastasia Beckett! Why couldn't she look normal? Why couldn't she be beautiful?! Rose's legs buckled, and she almost caught herself on the hard sink with her hands, but they slipped, making her fall on her knees, sobbing with her heart pounding.

She felt like she was dying. Her throat hurt all the way down into her lungs, burning from working overtime by the quick gasps that were supposed to be her breathing, along with her heart, which she felt like could give out any second now, the beats in her ears like the sound of a horse running for its life.

Her mother could literally be dead right now from some complication. Rose knew she wasn't, but she could be! She couldn't- couldn't live without her mother. And she had yelled at her. She had yelled at her. The last time Rose had said anything to her mother, she had accused her of not being a good enough mother- of being a horrible mother. She had attacked her mother's self-esteem and all the things she was proud of, telling her that even though all of her life was dedicated to other people, she was still not doing enough for those people. She still wasn't enough.

The only person in their entire family who wasn't enough was Rose. She was bratty and had unrealistic expectations of her mother, who was trying more than her best by now. Rose had made her feel like no matter how hard she worked, she couldn't be everything for everyone and she couldn't please everyone, even though she was so close. She had told her mother she was horrible, she wasn't good enough. Rose wasn't good enough. She wasn't pretty enough. She wasn't smart enough or friendly enough or strong enough or talented enough or thoughtful enough or kind enough. She messed up big time. This was all her fault. She wasn't good enough.

She was such a horrible daughter. A horrible sister. A horrible friend. A horrible student. A horrible girlfriend. A horrible person. A terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad daughter.

Her mother didn't deserve such a terrible person like her. Neither did Eyre or Henry or Scarlett. Neither did Aldor. Not even Anastasia deserved her annoying existence on this Earth. None of her professors deserved the punishment of dealing with her. And none of her family members deserved her insufferable blemish on their family.

Anastasia was right. She was an uncultured, spectacularly noisy, sappy, stuck-up, nosy imbecile of a redhead. Nobody needed her input or support, and they definitely didn't need her. Nobody needed her. Eyre had Anastasia now, so he didn't need her. Henry and Scarlett had each other. Aldor had- well, Aldor had his aunt, and probably someone else. Who wouldn't realize Aldor's amazingness other than her? She was definitely not the smartest in Hogwarts, somebody else would have noticed him by now. Her siblings had each other. Her mother had Luke. Nobody even needed her, so why would anybody even care about her? She needed all of those people- Eyre, Henry, Scarlett, Aldor, her mother- she needed them! But none of them needed her. She was just an annoyance to them, and they would all be better off without her, even though without any one of them, Rose would be lost.

She couldn't do anything right. Why couldn't she just be good at something?! Have just one thing to take confidence in. She wasn't good at dueling, or classes, or any academics. She wasn't good at being a friend, and she certainly wasn't talented in any way.

Rose felt like she was going to die. Rose's mind convinced her she was going to die. There must have been something wrong with her, otherwise she wouldn't be gasping for breath and deafened by her own heartbeat. Normal people could at least breathe. Rose lifted her hands into her vision- they were shaking. Just as violently of the rest of her body. Her vision seemed contorted though- like she was looking through a fish-eye lens. What was happening to her? Rose squeezed her eyes shut and let sobs shake her body more, curling her torso over her legs.

She couldn't be good enough.

Rose lost her balance, landing hard on her side with a gasp of pain, but she curled up there, on the dirty floor of the lavatory.

Rose could never be good enough.

The redhead was still breathing like she had just run a marathon, her head aching at its lack of oxygen, but still running through every way she would never measure up to her own standards.

Why? Oh, why wasn't she good enough?

Look at where Rose is. Curled up on the floor of a lavatory so wrecked its abandoned. God, she belonged here. Sobbing, shaking, trembling, with her tears streaming down her freckled face. A face that most would call gorgeous, but Rose would call disgusting. She wasn't happy. She was miserable, the opposite of happy.

As the world crumbles.

As the World Crumbles | The World Might Never Be the Same | But You Have to Get Back Up Again