Light at the End of the Tunnel PV Sapph Riddle Closed

@Callista Lovis

For Sapphire, the night could be either a blessing or a curse. Really, it depended on whether she got to sleep or not. Tonight was not one of those nights, as she was feeling particularly restless. Also on the verge of a panic attack, but at this point, that was normal.

How she found her way to the Owlery that night was beyond her. It wasn't completely unfathomable, as she could often find peace there, but it wasn't a point that she would normally go to at night.

Quiet footsteps carried her up the steps, into the stone tower. Quite frankly, she didn't expect any other people to be there, especially someone she knew. But lo and behold, a familiar face. She furrowed her brows, trying to figure out what the younger girl was doing there. Without any outwards evidence, perhaps she would have just drawn a blank. But after spotting the tear-like glistening on her face, the answer was fairly clear. Or, she got the gist of it.

Clearly, something was up.

It could have been anything from a close family member dying to an existential crisis, but she supposed that the former would have a much different reaction. Although they seemed similar, they were drastically different kinds of emotional trauma. As someone who had experienced both and many things in between, however, she often took it upon herself to attempt to help someone in need of it.

Quietly, she knocked against the wall in a meek attempt to alert the girl of her presence without startling her. "Callista...?" she questioned, voice quiet. It seemed like speaking to loud would pull harshly on a string already pulled tautly and snap. "If... if you don't mind me asking, what's bothering you...?"

Cautiously facing | @Sapphire Riddle

Callista stilled as a soft knocking sounded. Her brain went into autopilot. Often, when she was faced with a difficult decision, her brain defaulted to focusing on the smallest things. It had gotten her called as “observant” more than once, when really she was just looking for a distraction.

The voice was familiar, but also older than hers. A girl, obviously. Quiet and soft. Callista guessed that the girl had knocked on the wall so as not to startle her. So an older girl she had met before. Quiet and considerate. A face floated to the surface of her thoughts. Sapph, then..?

If you don’t mind me asking. No, of course she wouldn’t say that she minded the question. What, exactly, was she supposed to say? I shouldn’t have come up. Better to stay in her bed, where she had relative privacy. Then again, it was much quieter up here.

Realizing it wouldn’t do to completely ignore Sapph (or so she inferred)’s presence, Callista quickly wiped the tear track off her cheek with the palm of her hand. Turning to face the older girl - aha, so it was Sapph after all - she said dully, quietly, “Nothing.”

It would have been clear to anyone watching that something was, in fact, bothering her. For one, her usually gentle voice was devoid of emotion. And if one were to gaze into her eyes, they would not find the usual spark, but meet glassy wells of pain.

These watery eyes were directed at the other girl’s shoes. Backed by the window as she was, Callista’s face was cast in shadow. How ironically appropriate. Opening up about her own turbulent thoughts was something that was difficult for the young girl. Although she had been surrounded by loving family members for most of her life, she almost never confessed her deepest feelings. The realization ached, as if a heavy weight was being pressed on her chest.

“W-what are you doing up here?” Callista returned, almost defensively. She felt like being torn in two. On one hand, she desperately wanted to be alone again. On the other, she desperately wanted company so she didn’t have to dwell in her thoughts. A sudden thought struck her. Why does she care? They had one meeting - that wasn’t much. Out of courtesy? Maybe she doesn’t really care. The word ran circles in her head.

Why?

@Callista Lovis

Sapphire sighed. She was well versed in the language of lies, having told many herself in her childhood. But, knowing better than to press immediately, she answered. "The night allows the mind to wander to terrible places. I like to come to isolated locations to calm it down." There she went, talking about it like a separate sentient being. Oops.

She was drawn out of her thoughts when she noticed the slightly worried- or was it concern- look on Callista's face. She recognized that face. She'd seen it in the mirror many, many times. It was the face of someone who was being immensely self-deprecating.

Quietly, she leaned against the wall. "I really don't wish to intrude, but you're pulling the face of self-doubt and negativity, as I like to call it." Come to think of it, it was only a slight change from her expression before. She sighed. "Even if you don't want to talk..." Why would she? It wasn't as if Sapph was any good with words. In fact, she was horrible with them. She wasn't good at comforting people either. People just made her freeze up.

What if I'm overstepping boundaries? she stressed. It's a disaster in the making, for me to attempt a discussion. Oh, how she loathed her brain. She didn't want to be stuck second-guessing every decision she made. But why was she so focused on herself? Her goal should be to help Callista and nothing other than that. She was less important.

But then again, what if she didn't want to talk to the girl? It was sometimes awkward to talk with someone older than you, especially with issues. She always had trouble with it. And many others, but those were irrelevant to the situation. Through her inner-monologuing, she would listen to any response she recieved.

Listening to | @Sapphire Riddle

The almost poetic line made her pause. It sounded like something she would say in a self reflection. And yet, the night was beautiful in that. Like humans themselves, the night is layered in shadows... shadows that hide. Shadows that bathed corners in darkness. Shadows, cut through by beams of moonlight that seem to cut through the layers. But still, the shadows persist. Flitting, like a cat, but ever-present all the same.

The self-monologue calmed her racing heart, but her eyes still blurred. Refusing to cry in front of the older girl, Callista blinked several times. You should talk because it's "good for your health"? Her vulnerability made her... defensive... and snappier than usual.

Unconsciously tugging at her hair, she mumbled, "Why do you care? It's not like I know you or anything." Then again, she didn't know anyone. And no one knew her. She didn't have a "best friend", or anyone that she could really talk to about anything. But maybe that was better. No one cared or wanted to listen - not that she would tell, if she could.

Closing her eyes against the cool night wind, Callista's knees quivered. She was tired of fighting, tired of the questions and prodding, tired of the masks. She wanted to talk, but she had been closed for far too long now. She wanted to drift away to the land of dreams, but she knew she would be chased by restlessness. She wanted to be alone, but the darkness would swallow her up.

They say to keep fighting, but... what if you don't want to? What if you just want to let go? What if you just want to close your eyes until it's all over?

So sorry for the late reply!

@Callista Lovis

It's alright! Gods, I hate having to do the coding for stuff manually. It's a pain.

Sapphire found herself sighing again. This was going to be difficult. "I guess that's true." She gave a dry, pitiful chuckle. "But still, I know what it feels like to suffer self-doubt - that and plenty of other things. But I especially know what it's like to go through that alone. And it's not the best feeling," she said. Her tone was a bit dreary. Had there been any mood in the first place, she probably would have been killing it. She was undeterred by the snappiness, as she'd spent... how long was it? She thought it was 5. She'd spent 5 years in a mood like that. She imagined that it wasn't that good an experience to anyone that talked to her.

She fiddled with her fingers, popping her knuckles. The noises broke through the still air. She'd heard of thick tension, the way it was described in books and all that. The air was thick, but maybe not with tension. Something else. Something she wasn't exactly sure of. She did a lot of that, actually. Not being sure of herself. She was still in that state of self-doubt, the only difference being that now, she had learned to tie down the violent emotions that had seized her back then. It was a living nightmare back then. Not that the awkward state she existed in now was any better.

She cast her gaze to the floor, mind wandering. Her ears were fine-tuned to anything, as they usually were. She'd read somewhere that was a side effect of stress. Was she stressed? Oh, absolutely. Sometimes it seemed like a curse. A burden. And sometimes - well, most times - she thought she was a burden. Even when people seemed to appreciate her presence, she couldn't help but feel as if she stuck out. She... she didn't like that feeling.

Sick of the thoughts going through her head, she slapped herself repeatedly in the cheeks. It worked, but it would probably be a bit distracting. She folded her hands in front of her, a little bit flushed out of embarrassment at her actions. Thank god it was dark.

@Sapphire Riddle

Sapph's words gave her pause, for Callista had forgotten about the Slytherin's own troubles. Immediately, shame washed over her. Never mind her own problems. Who was she to sulk when Sapph had been struggling for years - a much longer time than her? How selfish of her... the world was full of selfish people, and she was no different. Her troubles were trivial compared to others. "Crippling anxiety", the third-year had said. Oh how the tables have turned...

The knuckle-cracking rang out first, startling the girl out of her shame. Her voice barely rang out next. "Sorry," the young girl whispered. "I... shouldn't be here." Shouldn't have said anything. Shouldn't have broken. Shouldn't have ruined Sapph's night. Shouldn't have been weak.

The slapping brought her head up and out of her ramble once again. Inwardly wincing, she recalled the moments when she had pinched herself to bring her back to reality. Had she really looked that depressing? ... Probably. Trying to remember her manners - and how to deflect the conversation away from herself - Callista asked hesitantly, "H-how was your day..?" And to think that not long ago she had been easily conversing with the same person, with a hope that was just clearly not present today.

No wonder people have such a hard time staying in the present. It was just so much simpler to reminisce about the past or dream about the future. Not that she didn't appreciate Sapph's concern. No, she just wanted to wallow in her self-doubt until she finally had to fall into restless sleep. Until the moment she no doubt had to open her eyes to the jarring consequences of her nightly wandering.

Hm. Apparently she, like cats, will always resist what's good for her.