A Mari Usque Ad Mare PV Ilvermorny Closed

Hey stars and stripes,

Wait, before I start can I say thank you so so much for putting the date on the letter. I wasn't sure and I didn't want to ask the other students. Not sure where the snacks are, but I come from the land of fights, drama, and more drama. Eh, I don't know if it's that much drama but things are nice when fires and fights happen. Wow, that was pretty mysterious and dark, not going to lie. I absolutely blame myself for reading all the way through that joke. Such a classic, you know? Like the ocean joke; "What did the ocean say to the shore?" Nothing, it just waved. Hey, you're not the only one that can tell bad jokes too!

I already regret signing up for this.. looking forward to the other one! Unfortunately, I'm looking forward to meeting you. Everyone's jotting away on their parchment and meanwhile, I'm staring at this paper as if somehow it'll magically (no pun intended, but pun intended) write my thoughts into words. Do you think they have a spell for that? Just think about it, I could get my assignment essays done in like 15 minutes instead of hours... or like sit around and read a book. Yeah, I never said that. Reading isn't bad when the topic isn't the attack on the gargoyles or some other thing you read in a textbook. Where was I? If you can't tell, I don't remember just about anything that I wrote Right essays, spells, etc and stuff. Just imagine the mistakes and mix of languages. Could honestly be like the Weasleys' but with spells? Wait, that didn't make that much sense. 

Hated 4-H. It was always a pain in the butt. Right, global warming, germs, the fishes. I think I know how to wash my hands properly. Okay, I admit sometimes I may not wash in between, but it that really a big deal? It was really boring when I went, stayed for about a year or so before letting go of the waste... right after the camping trip. Talk about global warming, hmph. You're from Syrup Land? Whoa, I had no idea who I was talking to. What are you doing at Ilvermorny? As you can tell, I have no sense of geography, but isn't it a hassle trying to get to the train station? .. or whatever Americans use to get to Ilvermorny. Hockey is alright I suppose, never been much of a figure skater. The only thing I know about hockey is that it's violent, is fighting actually legal? If so, I may or may not want to consider going to a game. Nevermind, I'd totally go. 

Let's seeee... Wasn't prepared to be attacked with all those questions. Besides from being the mysterious, intriguing girl you barely know, my full name's Emmaline Hill, but you know, I just go by Emma to save the tedious gesture. I'm from Ravenclaw, which is oddly someone's last name and the name of my house. I bet she taught at Hogwarts a long time ago, all teachers have funny last names. They're the... smart and creative people. Me? Smart, eh. Creative, sure. 

Hate to break it to you, but I'm thirteen years old in my third year. Apologies if you were expecting some way other seventh year or another fourth year. For now, you're stuck with me. I don't have siblings, but I do live in a house with five..? other people. Yep, mom, dad, grandfather, cousin, and cousin. No sisters and no brothers. What's it like being hounded by six different girls at the same time? You sound like a perfect test subject for a midnight makeup prank. Speaking of pranking, I like to do it, but I don't do it as often. I dunno why, I still find it amusing. Britain? It's pretty cool I guess, well, literally and figuratively. It's been getting wayyy colder and not that I'm complaining, but I would have liked a little warning before I walked outside to bone-chilling temperatures. Castles, queens, all that fancy stuff is pretty nice. Well I don't know, I don't pay attention to those things. Game of Thrones is the show with all the dragons and... factions I wanna call it? I didn't watch it, but I heard the show was really really good. Maybe I'll watch the trailer and get back to you about it. Um, hello? Darth Vader. Or maybe a double agent working with Luke but on his side. That's a tough question, not going to lie. I like the idea of spying and getting information without having to do any hard work. 

Now since you've made my hand cramp, it's your turn to be bombarded with questions: What's your favorite prank? Are you a swim or snow kinda guy? Do you play any sports, like hockey or something... or something other than Hockey, haha. If you could change anything about the letter you sent, what would it be? How do you relax after school? Is it hard being 14, and what's the difference between being 13 and 14? Have you ever had to take care of your sisters? What's an annoying habit of yours besides telling corny jokes?

Chao
~~ Emma

September 26^th, 2019

Madam Sassmaster,

I am devastated, completely and utterly, by your sarcasm. The offense! The passive aggressiveness! I must go lay on the floor and weep, curled in the fetal position, whimpering for my mom to come pick me up because it hurts so much. Also, I included the date again because it's a Canadian thing and if I didn't do it my Canadian Card would be revoked by Justin Trudeau riding in on a polar bear to beat me with a hockey stick.

Your land sounds quite... something. As someone who isn't a fan of fires (except on cold winter nights) or fights (except in the NHL), I don't know how much I'd like to go there. Especially if there aren't snacks. As said by the late and great Marlon Brando 'The horror! The horrorrr! ' I have to admit I thoroughly enjoyed the joke, though, that was a great one. In my opinion, the worse a joke is, the better it is. Look at that! I just used one of those things my grammar teacher said in school once that I don't remember or know how to pronounce. Writing letters to you is making me a smarter person already.

Alas, my dear British penpal, it seems we will be meeting. Apparently we're heading over there in October to see what the what is. I gotta say, I'm excited to meet you just to see what kind of person also enjoys corny jokes. Also, I like you guys' posh British accents. Not to be that guy, but I'm totally going to make you say 'Would you mind awfully putting the kettle on? I'm really rather parched.' Or maybe 'Fancy a cup of tea, dear?' Okay, probably not that one since I imagine an old lady like the my grandma saying it rather than a student. But you get the picture.

A spell to do essays? Yes please. The only issue with that is what if you got distracted halfway through and your essay went 'The history of magic is very interesting because holy jesus I want a poutine real bad right now.' Might not be appreciated by the professors, but a great idea nonetheless. I kind of lost you in that last sentence of the paragraph there, so may I recommend a nice Aspirin for your stroke in these trying times? I do love the Weasley's though; Ron is the coolest dude I've ever heard about and Fred and George are lads after my own heart. I have to stop by Zonko's when I come to Britain because I hear it's sick.

Well, clearly you were in the wrong 4-H clubs. See, I was in the ones involving farm animals where you washed a cow, painted its hooves, hairsprayed the shit out of its topline, then walked it in a circle and made it stand pretty for the judges. It still kind of feels like a fever dream because it's bizarre as all hell, but that's life on a farm. A hand washing club? Come on now, Emma, don't you know that not washing in between will start the spread of Ebola? My god, you're going to kill your entire country with unsafe hand-washing techniques. Whatever will America do without our posh British friends who have much better humour and aren't all fat from fast food? Tragic.

Ilvermorny is actually the only magic school worth going to on my continent. Just like big singers and bands skipping us on their concert tours, us Canadians never got a magic school. Getting there is actually just a really long drive to the train station. Kind of boring. Not that cool. What is cool is hockey! I'm so disappointed in you not knowing what it is. I like your spirit though; yes, hockey is absolutely violent. So much so that one time they had to call the police to come on the ice in the middle of the game to break up a fight. It's legendary, you'd love it.

I don't care what year you are as long as you're funny. That's a strange household dynamic, where'd your cousins come into play? My home life is hell. Makeup doesn't phase me anymore, I've become resigned to that particular fate whenever I see my sisters. You definitely need to step up the pranking game and do more of it; it makes the world go round. It's great that Britain is cold! Good hockey country! Betcha there's lots of ice, and I can't wait to come see your queens and castles. It all sounds so much fancier than here.

Oh man, Game of Thrones is so much more than that, but I won't ruin it for you. Start for the dragons, stay for the midget who kills everyone with one-liners. I'm glad you know about Star Wars, though, and obviously Darth Vader is the correct answer. Not only do you get a super cool red lightsaber, but you basically have permission to Force Choke anyone who pisses you off. I know a couple people I'd love to do that to, I'm sure there's some of those types at your school too.

My favourite prank is the classic sprinkle flour on the floor at the crack of a professor's door while they're in there working with the door shut, then use the Hot-Air charm to blow it into the room. You should've heard the screaming from the other side of the door. He was angry for weeks! I'm definitely a snow guy. I do play hockey but they don't have any at this stupid magic school, all they have is Quidditch. Not to brag, but one of my friends is the captain of a Quidditch team. Do you play it? I wouldn't change anything about my last letter because your reply to it made me laugh. Hm... used to play video games but those don't work here, so now I mostly hang out with friends. We do a round of anonymous Bertie Bott's Every Flavoured Beans every night. What's your favourite bean flavour? The main difference between 13 and 14 - for me at least - is armpit hair. I can't really think of any other differences, to be honest. Classes are kinda harder? How's class at Hogwarts? Do you like your professors?

Yes, I've had to take care of one of my sisters. The oldest one, Alexis, came home drunk one night. I had to give her lots of water and hold her hair back while she puked. It was so gross. A second annoying habit? Man, you're coming after my whole life with that one. I bite my nails, which I think annoys other people when I spit the nail at them. It's gotta go somewhere though, and I'm not swallowing it. Do you have any bad habits? Do you have a pet? What's your most prized possession? I think I asked enough throughout the whole letter to keep you busy for a while, so good luck with that. Oh, and if you have a pet, send a picture of it. I love seeing people's pets.

Cheers,

P.S. - What do you call someone who takes women and turns them into horrifying monsters? A 1980s hairdresser.

Almighty Hockeylord,

Why, thank you! It took a long time to perfect over the years and do it on purpose. Okay, that didn't make much sense, but you know what I mean. Today's the 29th, whoops. I have a really neat habit of being late for almost everything... my bad! Justin Trudeau is a hockey player? The name's foreign to me if you can't tell. I know more about the US than Canada, besides the fact it gets really cold and I'm jealous. Snow all year? A fantasy. Anywho, what's with the polar bears? Is it because of the cold weather and hyperboles? 

Just imagine what everything's going to be like when everyone gets here! Everything's going to be so chaotic. I can picture it now... Scotland VS America, or vice versa if you prefer. It would be the fight of the decade, words flying left and right, a battle of the schools. I would pay to watch that go down. Ultimate bragging rights! Do you know anything that would love to pick a fight? Magical or physical? There are a lot of them here, regardless of age. No one really seems to care, if I'm being honest. 

Are you going to the ball.. dance.. masquerade, whatever its called? Though it's tempting to wear a really fancy mask over my face, I'd rather just sit down, read, and eventually fall asleep. Something always happens at one of the dances. Fire, fights, poison, you name it. While it would be nice to watch it happen, I'd rather not have the ends of my hair toasted off or forced to do something ridiculous because the adults can't watch a bowl of liquid for three hours. Guess they just wanted to have fun with the students?

Parched? I have never used that word in my life... not that I remember anyway. How rude of you! British rule number one, never go over-the-top with your fanciness, it's just fitting the stereotype associated with the country even though I'm from Cambridge.. Which is still in England, neverminddd! See? Not that smart. I'll say the first part, but I refused to say the rest. I'll definitely call you Simone on purpose though. Do you guys put syrup on literally everything? I know it sounds weird, but I'm totally imagining you say "What's the holdup, eh?" In an American.. or Canadian accent as I write this and it's hilarious. 

Don't expect me to take you to the ripoff joke store. It was all fun and games and jokes and pranks until they started selling all types of ridiculous badges. Great to promote hatred against someone running for class president, or whatever you guys have if you guys do that at Ilvermorny. If you are willing to bring a buttload of galleons, however, we could always go dungeon exploring and hopefully not get caught. They won't and can't give detention to a foreign student, right?  

How on earth do you wash a cow..? Take a hose and spray it... or with a sponge? That's a scary thought, not going to lie. I mean I was seven years old when I joined, so I highly doubt I'd get to relive half the things you did. You sure that's not animal abuse? Were you learning about taxidermy? Poor hamburger. That would be a perfect cow name. Ouch, imagine joining a handwashing club. The. Horror. People still talk about Ebola in the states? I forgot all about that. Oh well, though. If I do happen to restart the virus, at least I'll go down infamous. I'm going to spread at all throughout your American friends, muahaha. Hey, I'd be doing them a favor by dying with Ebola, not some obesity health problem. No offense, but you know, totally meant to be offensive.

Funny story actually, but to save you the trouble; wife left my uncle, he moved away from her town to get away from her and ended up moving in with us and brought children with him. I've grown to like them though, so it's not that bad. And where else is my grandfather going to go? That sounded mean, but its true, I swear. I remember putting on makeup for the first time, it was last year, but it felt so weird and I couldn't stop touching my face. Not because of the makeup, just because of its a habit. My mum mom taught me how to do it before I left off for school and whew, and I'm so grateful she did. And trust me when I say the only castle you're going to be seeing is the school.

Dust storm on a professor? I'm speechless... That's a really risky move, especially if you don't know the right professor to pull it on. I'll stick to students and keep my detentions student-related. Same at Hogwarts and if it's not Quidditch, it's some mental game like magical chess or magical marbles, but its nothing official. Oh, and snowball fights, but seasonal. How old's your friend? I'd love to play a match, captain against captain? Unless he's like 16 years old. What's anonymous BB Beans? That sounds interesting but absolutely terrifying with all the different flavors. Do you pick out a random box and chug the whole thing, or color them all the same color and simultaneously take one at the same time.

Wowww! What a good little brother. I love how you held her hair back when your sisters wouldn't, so sweet haha. You sure that's a second annoying habit? That sounds pretty bad if you ask me... You can't like... take it out with your perfectly working eight fingers or spit it out into the garbage. I know I'm jumping around all over the place, but I don't really talk to the professors much. They're great and all, but I dunno, I go to their class for a reason I suppose. Bad habits? I cross my arms a lot... as I said, I'm always late for everything, I can pick a fight with anyone despite their age and gender. I have a pet, but its a dog so it remains at home with my family and all. His name's Archer, I dunno why. The name just sounded really cool and we all said, what the heck and thus, the spunky golden retriever was reborn. I put a picture below, but prized possession? This... 45-year-old bracelet? Something like that and it belonged to my grandmother, she died a few years back, so I keep it to remember her. That's pretty much it though? What about you, do you have anything to remind you of your sisters while your clashing Quidditch out in Ilvermorny? Here's the pretty pup.

Adios ~ Emma P.S. The photos a little big but I'm sure you can get through it. You have a knack for telling terrible jokes, you could be the next Kevin Kart. He's a comedian, right?